test drive.

Most of the things I write in this blog, I write believing that no one will ever really read it. Unless they want the URL shikshin for their blogspot, in which case, tough luck! But anyway, this is one of those instances.

I have a presentation on the cardiovascular system coming up and after doing some research, I came across a particular syndrome that I found alarmingly similar to symptoms I have experienced almost too often to be good.  It's called stress cardiomyopathy - but also known as the broken heart syndrome.  Basically with this condition, people experience symptoms not unlike that of a heart attack - difficulty breathing, chest pain, and arm aches (which are the worst for me).  The thing is though, it's a condition they've just become aware of so there isn't much information on it - according to the web, which I will take with a grain of salt, of course - and apparently it's not supposed to occur over and over again.

But I've been dealing with these symptoms for a while now.  My arms feel like they're getting jammed as if something is seriously wrong with them, I have to take deep breaths because I have difficulty breathing easily (something I'm going through even as I type this right now) ... it's amazing, how much the mind can influence your body into jolting into reactions.  

But even scarier, is the thought that I'm still stressing myself out without realizing it.  I thought this was something I'd leave behind me in university, but apparently not. Does this mean my heart muscle is weak enough to succumb every time I have an overwhelming amount of stress?  Should I tell my parents? Haha.........

Anyway, I've been listening to this quite a bit. I love soundtracks.


Edit: Having parents who are so wise and mature and gracious and faithful in their beliefs is the most humbling thing ever. Just lying in their bed, getting petted by my mom as I was listening to what she had to say was a huge blessing. I'm so utterly grateful to have such parents.

looking for yourself.

I think there's a lot to be said in the way that I find solitude to be the most reassuring, most calming... most comfortable state of being that I can be in.  It really is like putting on a mask for the day, a corset to hold in and tighten up all the doubts and insecurities, before heading out and socializing for a few hours.

Don't get me wrong - I love being with people and laughing with them and learning about them, but every time I come home afterwards, I have to kind of ... recharge. And sometimes it takes me longer than just a few hours. Sometimes the exhaustion is to the point where I want to sleep for a few months and cease all interactions with people for that period of time.

Oldie, but a goodie that I find relevant to my mood. :)

walk on air.

So today, in efforts to cheer myself up because I can feel dark times coming up ahead (if you know what I mean, they drop in monthly), I decided that I need to get out of the house for non-school related reasons and did something I love to do by myself: go grocery shopping.  I don't know when I cultivated this love for wheeling a cart around aisles while perusing all the stocked up products... but I guess maybe it's because I daydream about living on my own (or with a roommate) for so much of my life that it just seems like this will be what my future errands will include?  That's my theory, anyway.

Anyway, here's a list of my purchases (partly so I won't forget to cook them before they go bad):

• wheat bread (the only ones that were left were ones that would expire Oct. 28 - Oct. 31, but I put half in the freezer so they should last me longer, hehe.)
• sliced jalapenos!! (for sandwiches, chips, tacos, ...everything else...)
• tomatillos (seven, to be exact, although I accidentally accounted for six.)
• jasmine rice
• buffalo sauce (i think i'll make myself a healthy version of buffalo chicken sandwich...)
• balsamic vinegar (i love to dip my bread in olive oil & balsamic vinegar with herbs.)
• chicken broth (thanks to my friend, I know how to make various Mexican salsas and Mexican rice, fufufu.)
• tiny tortillas (enough said.)

And then there were totally two unrelated purchases when I ran across the parking lot to the CVS to buy a lip balm and bronzer. Using the lip balm right now and it's actually really hydrating. I can understand why there were only two left ... maybe I should have gotten the other one to leave inside my purse ... Darn, haha.

But all in all, it was a really productive store visit and it definitely helped me regain a sense of contentment so I can stop moping about school and cramps and start meeting these obstacles head-on.

And now to change the topic completely, haha.

I talked to Siri for the first time.

Since I've been regularly going out to a Korean church, the topic of relationships has floated up a lot more often.  Usually, it'd just be my mother gently (hopefully) inquiring about my nonexistent dating life, only to look mildly disappointed but not surprised at my answer.  I feel like an integral part of Korean culture is the community, and within that, the almost-need to date.  I'm not saying that Korean people are more desperate to be in a relationship, but every Korean community I've stepped foot in seem to be immersed with couples.  Even at this church, there are a lot of couples.  When I was in Korea, couples were everywhere - sometimes very glaringly obvious with their couple outfits.  Dating is important to them.

And as a twenty-three-year-old who'll turn twenty four this year... I should start thinking about dating, too.  But the thing is, I still don't think I'm ready.  I firmly believe God will lead me to the person He knows best fits me, but I also believe the reason that He hasn't yet is because He knows that I'm not ready, either.  I think you should really... at least try, to love yourself, before you think about getting into a serious relationship with someone else.  And I'm not quite there yet.

The last thing I'd ever want is to be a crutch for someone, or need someone as a crutch.  I don't want my life to revolve around the person I'm with - I don't want all of my happiness to come from being with him.  I want to keep my own life and my own identity and my own small happinesses but feel comfortable enough to share them with this other person.  And I don't know if I'm ready to share at all, another reason why I don't think I'm ready.  (Not to mention the tiny fact that my interest in someone always dies out really easily.  Whether I stamp it out subconsciously or willfully, the flame disappears.)

So really, I don't know. Maybe I need to get out more and meet all kinds of different people to really open my eyes to what kind of person might best match me.  Maybe he's already in the peripheral of my life.  Maybe I'm destined to be single until I die - and I'd be okay with that too, I think.  Maybe.  Once my friends all get married and have families of their own, I might start thinking differently.

Whatever the case, I'm grateful that I have people praying for me.  It's always a comforting buoy that I cling to whenever I'm pushed out into the rough turbulence that comes from my feelings.

double whip frappe.

Sometimes I think I want to be completely done with learning something new every day, stumbling on epiphanies and giving my personality a slow burning makeover because it's something I realize that needs to be done.  I stress too much but I say nothing.  I say I love God, but I'm still ashamed to come before Him and pray about things because He's so good and great and I am not worthy.  In doing that though, I doubt Him and put my pride above my faith ...

My low self-esteem has always been something of a crippling factor in my life.  And still is.  I have yet to totally banish the lingering hesitation that occurs before and after everything I do, especially in public.  I'm painfully self-conscious although I do well to hide it because I'm so easygoing.  It's not that I'm afraid people won't like me. I'm afraid they'll misunderstand me - because that's something I hate most.

So yeah, sometimes I wish I was done developing and I had everything figured out and I could cruise through life without burdening myself with stupid little things that I won't remember clearly a year from now.

I'm not very good at expressing my affection or love to my parents or brother.  Maybe because I know they've seen me at my very worst and have accepted me and loved me even then.  It sucks because I always think about them a lot and want to do well for them above myself, but they don't know that.  Part of the reason is definitely the generational and huge cultural gap between us, but it's also my insecurities coming into play.  Just like with God, I can't.  Maybe it's because I love them so much that I can't bring myself to really show... it.  But doesn't that seem like a paradox?  Am I tsundere? Haha.

The good news is, I really am speaking to my parents more... and asking them for advice and opening up to them. I just can't shake off the feeling that I seriously fail expectations.  They're such amazing people and my brother prayed for me to be born but here I am and I'm twenty three and still not really ... doing much.

Then again, patience is something I really need to learn.

sun will set.

Yesterday, it rained periodically all day.

Yesterday, this was all I listened to.

There's something about finding a poem or a story or even just someone's account of a feeling that I haven't been able to place or verbalize before.  And if you find a piece of music that seems to sing with whatever tune your heart is playing at the moment - whether it be joyous or melancholy or just overwhelming without a name - it's the most amazing feeling.  At that moment, it's like you're allowed to fully absorb yourself in what you feel and not what you're supposed to think.

Maybe that's why I love the rain and gloomy weather so much. The day kind of just slows down for me and I'm subconsciously encouraged to explore my feelings and whatever confusion I may be facing in terms of emotions.  I've never been good at expounding on my softer side, just doing enough to acknowledge it before I pack it away and shove it aside so I don't come out looking vulnerable to other people.  Rain captures the luggage I hide, and beckons me to open the things I've tossed inside messily.  Without structure, without any organization.  Just all the insecurities and bittersweet heaviness of knowing that because I am alive, I suffer.  But it's not always painful suffering. Just the slow burning ache of trying to make it past another day.

And yesterday, with the help of this beautiful art, I was able to confront my thoughts about love, in the romantic sense.  Something that still terrifies me even in its basic conceptual form.


"For Women Who Are Difficult to Love"
- written and performed by Warsan Shire

"You are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head

and you tried to change didn’t you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love."

It's kind of scary how accurate this piece is when it comes to how my experiences have been with the opposite sex.  Granted, I've never been the standard of comparison when it comes to exes and future girlfriends, but the raw honest tone hits me hard.  And the second verse is so comforting, so soothing, so simplistic in its gentle reminder that I am not unloved because I am not worthy.   Because that is one of my biggest fears. If I can't love myself, then how will anyone else ever love me?

get back home.

It's the first day after my regimen has ended and I feel good. I ate roasted sweet potato, a hardboiled egg, and some green peas for breakfast, got a work out in, came to school a few hours early and got my CIS homework done two hours before my Spanish class. Contrary to what I feared, I'm not scrambling to get to the nearest fast food restaurant (of which there are many around campus) and I'm actually contemplating the healthiest options I have. (But I might give in and try a new drink because I need a pick-me-upper.)

I heard a really great sermon two nights ago, when my church held an event. The pastor started out the sermon with, what you're doing now, you will be doing ten years from now.  Force of habit, dispassionate living, all of that. And at first I didn't get it, or I thought he was wrong, but as he continued to speak, I understood what he meant.  I get now why my parents wanted me to come to this pastor's church.

Every new day is an opportunity for change. And even if I'm still haunted by my mistakes, it doesn't mean that I haven't changed for the better.  For instance, a few years ago, just getting behind the wheel to drive made my hands clammy, my legs numb, and my heart rate speed up.  Just the thought of driving a car terrified me.  Now, I don't care if it's rush hour time or not - now, driving even soothes me when there's no traffic, just the long stretch of an empty freeway ahead of me.  I grew more careful with my driving (I don't touch 90mph now) but I don't let the idea cripple me either.

My mistakes then don't reflect who I am now, and what I have to offer.  Later, when I get the chance, I think I'd like to try and write down a list of characteristics I would like to try and tackle, one day at a time. And among one of those traits is the definite tendency to blame myself for what I've done, allowing myself to get stuck in the past.

down this river.

I had a heart to heart talk with my father this morning.  Or well, more like he was giving me advice and I was sitting there, listening quietly.  When it comes to my parents, I somehow can't bring myself to open up as easily.  It probably has a lot to do with the language barrier, mixed with my initial instinct to just... not talk.  It's gotten bad as I've gotten older, and it's one of the qualities about myself that I need to fix.

With my dad's help, I've realized that I take a lot of things personally and it's been accumulating more stress than I need to have.  I'm turning 24 in about three months and I feel like I haven't changed enough to show for it.  I thought I would have made a steady career for myself by now, maybe a boyfriend to show the parents that I wasn't going to end up a 30-year-old bride.  But as we all know, nothing in life ever turns out the way we expect, or even want to sometimes.

I'm twenty three and I'm starting my first year at a community college (which I may have to stay at longer given the information I received this morning).  Which means I'll have a shot at starting an actual career in what -- maybe two or three years? When I'm 25/26 - God forbid, 27? And I've always told myself it's okay to go at a different pace than others but when put to practice, it's actually really hard to remember this tidbit of advice.  Perhaps it's because instead of feeling like I'm moving forward, I actually feel like I'm reversing -- slipping backwards to pay for all the time I wasted in university.

There is no way I'm going to give up.  If anything, the difficulties that have surfaced make me want to work harder and make this happen so that I can reach the end of the road (the entrance to another rocky road) and prove to myself that I can do this.

Life is hard.  There are some really mean people out there.  This is common knowledge that I have learned since I was a kid. But I don't have to be discouraged. I don't have to hate those mean people. There may be way more setbacks than I was anticipating -- there usually are.  It might take me longer than I wanted to get me into the workforce.  That's okay.  I'm not just learning education.  I firmly believe that God takes me through experiences to help me learn to cope, to force me to confront myself and really dig out the issues that have been wormed into my heart since I was a kid.

In perspective, I'm still young. And if I die while still young, then at least I will have learned something.  I mean, I'd like to think I've changed so much from high school to UCSD, and then from UCSD until now.  And there's a lot more ground to cover, but little progress is better than none at all.  Just like trying again is better than giving up before your life really gets a chance to start.