double whip frappe.

Sometimes I think I want to be completely done with learning something new every day, stumbling on epiphanies and giving my personality a slow burning makeover because it's something I realize that needs to be done.  I stress too much but I say nothing.  I say I love God, but I'm still ashamed to come before Him and pray about things because He's so good and great and I am not worthy.  In doing that though, I doubt Him and put my pride above my faith ...

My low self-esteem has always been something of a crippling factor in my life.  And still is.  I have yet to totally banish the lingering hesitation that occurs before and after everything I do, especially in public.  I'm painfully self-conscious although I do well to hide it because I'm so easygoing.  It's not that I'm afraid people won't like me. I'm afraid they'll misunderstand me - because that's something I hate most.

So yeah, sometimes I wish I was done developing and I had everything figured out and I could cruise through life without burdening myself with stupid little things that I won't remember clearly a year from now.

I'm not very good at expressing my affection or love to my parents or brother.  Maybe because I know they've seen me at my very worst and have accepted me and loved me even then.  It sucks because I always think about them a lot and want to do well for them above myself, but they don't know that.  Part of the reason is definitely the generational and huge cultural gap between us, but it's also my insecurities coming into play.  Just like with God, I can't.  Maybe it's because I love them so much that I can't bring myself to really show... it.  But doesn't that seem like a paradox?  Am I tsundere? Haha.

The good news is, I really am speaking to my parents more... and asking them for advice and opening up to them. I just can't shake off the feeling that I seriously fail expectations.  They're such amazing people and my brother prayed for me to be born but here I am and I'm twenty three and still not really ... doing much.

Then again, patience is something I really need to learn.