can't go home alone again.

My 27th birthday is in less than 2 days. 

Every time I think about how I'm still here, alive, occupying space on this planet we all abuse, I am equal parts grateful and tired. I stumbled on a subreddit a few days ago, one about crime scenes, and of course my morbid curiosity got the better of me, haha. What got me the most wasn't the gore. (Although I can't say I'm fully de-sensitized to it yet.) What got me the most were the pictures of young girls who were victims of rape and then subsequently murdered; the absolute worst were the ones that showed "before and after" pictures. Before their murder, when they were happy and smiling and all prettily done up in their professional clothes and then... after their murder, with their shirts often pulled up to their armpits, throats slashed so violently that their necks were left at an odd angle, bodies left in awful positions that merely suggested how their very last moments were suffered with complete indignity and terror. 

People do that. Men, do that. 

Perhaps it's misguided of me to think that natural disasters aren't as bad, despite the number count differences. Whatever you believe, it's impossible not to acknowledge that nature is a brutal force, that it takes what it wants and the best thing we can do is to learn from our past disasters and prepare for the next one. I do not deny that disasters are terrifying, and worth considering. But when an earthquake strikes or a forest fire greedily burns its way through dry vegetation, those aren't events that are malicious on purpose. I know I have never been trapped in a burning building, nor have I faced the devastating effects of a hurricane -- and I pray I never will. I just think my terror would be so much more acute, and my regret immense, when facing a man who would know he could get away with forcing himself on me, who would cut deep into my tendons and arteries and never once think about the life I tried to lead or the miraculous happenings that kept me alive until he came along. 

So yeah, lately that's what I've been thinking about, haha. I'm never going to let myself go back to that subreddit again because it's clearly bad for my mentality.

Anyway. I'm not really looking forward to 2017 either, haha. It's hard to, with the state of the country as it is right now, but I'm still excited for the bright spots:

• Going back to UCLA for my practicum for ~3 weeks! That means going to UCLA as if I'm working there full-time, haha. There's definitely going to be so much to learn and I'm excited to take it all in.
• Taking my national certification exam; started studying it a bit but I definitely have to amp it up this year so that I can take it with peace of mind around May/June.
• Graduation!! Seriously, this cannot come fast enough. I wasn't going to go to the ceremony because my parents can't make it but my brother and sister in law are coming to California and have offered to come. ;~; I'm so spoiled, haha.
• I got a Universal Studios annual pass (good until September) so I should go as much as I can! It's so close to where I live, I don't even have to take a freeway, haha. Other than the parking prices before 5pm ($20 -_-), it's p e r f e c t.
• Working (fingers crossed!!!) - so graduating means that I get to look for a jOB!! And hopefully with that job comes benefits and a solid starting position paycheck and that in turn means that my mom will hopefully retire from her day job and be able to focus on her pastor's wife duties and doing what she wants to do at home!! And then maybe if I do really well, I can even have my dad retire and take care of my parents!!!!!!!!!!! Such an exciting idea hahaha, no matter how many times I think about it!!!
• Retiring my baby car and getting my mom's to use while she gets a new car. :D I love my car so much but she's getting so tired and old. ;~; Plus she had to drive through all my years of getting adjusted behind the wheel so that probably took a lot out of her. -_-

Every new year, I think to myself: this might be the year I die. I think about death so much I'm not sure if I'm afraid of it or looking forward to it. I definitely don't want to kick it just yet - still got so many things to do - but I'm for sure afraid that one day I will find myself standing before God and He'll tell me that I have lived out my uses. That's like the scariest thing that could ever happen.

i'm a cool girl.

2016. Won't be sorry to see you go, even if 2017 is shaping up to be a horrible year politics-wise.

On the bright side, my brother and sister-in-law will be able to come to my graduation ceremony. I hope I can show them all that I "love" about my school, hah. Excited for them to meet my classmates, too.

Turning twenty seven means I have three years to meet someone, date, and get married by my mother's timeline. Maybe even have a baby by the time I'm thirty. That's a seriously terrifying thought. My father keeps telling me I need to pray for my future husband, but where can I even begin when I'm not sure if I want to get married? Why would I want to subject someone to my grim personality for the rest of his life, haha. No one deserves that, especially not anyone I love.

These days, I'm finding that I'm fantasizing a lot more because I hate the reality I'm stuck in. And it's not even a bad reality!? I don't know how to combat being so spoiled, haha, but I hope I can change my mindset soon. I've realized that superficial Los Angeles culture is penetrating my life a lot more than I thought it would. It's all over my social media, at the very least, with people in my age group going to Christmas parties and spending money at stores I could barely afford a shirt in -- the pride in me says that should be me. And the same pride also says that should never be what I strive for.

But seriously. As soon as I get a job, I'll be spending the half that doesn't go to student loans on my parents. My mom needs to retire. My dad, too, even if his situation is a little stickier. They've both lost so much weight because their responsibilities keep them running around from early morning to night and it terrifies me to think of a future where they won't be around. They've already started making payments to a cemetery for a plot of land where they can be buried on top of each other and I just.. fuck, haha.

I've spent the past four years in a limbo of sorts, going to school instead of working like everyone else was able to do. Next year in June if all goes well, I'll be graduating and I'll be looking for work, too. No more days off or vacation times without repercussion. I know everyone says school is the best time but I'm so sick of being a black hole in terms of financial status. I just want to be someone my parents can depend on. And then maybe from there, I can be someone other people can depend on more, too.