i'm a cool girl.

2016. Won't be sorry to see you go, even if 2017 is shaping up to be a horrible year politics-wise.

On the bright side, my brother and sister-in-law will be able to come to my graduation ceremony. I hope I can show them all that I "love" about my school, hah. Excited for them to meet my classmates, too.

Turning twenty seven means I have three years to meet someone, date, and get married by my mother's timeline. Maybe even have a baby by the time I'm thirty. That's a seriously terrifying thought. My father keeps telling me I need to pray for my future husband, but where can I even begin when I'm not sure if I want to get married? Why would I want to subject someone to my grim personality for the rest of his life, haha. No one deserves that, especially not anyone I love.

These days, I'm finding that I'm fantasizing a lot more because I hate the reality I'm stuck in. And it's not even a bad reality!? I don't know how to combat being so spoiled, haha, but I hope I can change my mindset soon. I've realized that superficial Los Angeles culture is penetrating my life a lot more than I thought it would. It's all over my social media, at the very least, with people in my age group going to Christmas parties and spending money at stores I could barely afford a shirt in -- the pride in me says that should be me. And the same pride also says that should never be what I strive for.

But seriously. As soon as I get a job, I'll be spending the half that doesn't go to student loans on my parents. My mom needs to retire. My dad, too, even if his situation is a little stickier. They've both lost so much weight because their responsibilities keep them running around from early morning to night and it terrifies me to think of a future where they won't be around. They've already started making payments to a cemetery for a plot of land where they can be buried on top of each other and I just.. fuck, haha.

I've spent the past four years in a limbo of sorts, going to school instead of working like everyone else was able to do. Next year in June if all goes well, I'll be graduating and I'll be looking for work, too. No more days off or vacation times without repercussion. I know everyone says school is the best time but I'm so sick of being a black hole in terms of financial status. I just want to be someone my parents can depend on. And then maybe from there, I can be someone other people can depend on more, too.