new divide.

There are some days where I seriously feel like I hate everyone. Like I'd be so much happier living on my own and limiting interactions to whenever I can actually handle them.  But my hate doesn't usually last long and it's typically more sane - I just happen to think it's a misguided attempt to direct self-loathing elsewhere.  We all have our ways of dealing with things.

And one characteristic of mine that I really struggle with is pride.  It's to the point where if I don't want to do something and someone orders me to do it (obviously not in a workplace or school setting), I just won't do it. I'll get stubborn. I'll get angry. The "who the hell do you think you are?" attitude comes to play, and since I've grown up in an American culture where seniority doesn't really matter, it can happen when my family members tell me to do something as well. 

It just really makes me sad to know that my parents will never really understand me. Ever. Not unless they pull out of their roots and keep an open mind about why their daughter does certain things even if they disapprove entirely.  And that's not going to happen while they're alive. They're human, too. And since I hate myself so quickly when I make mistakes, when anyone else makes mistakes, hate can come pretty easily for them, too. 

I am grateful, for a lot of things. I never lose sight of this knowledge.  I just don't know if I'll ever be able to change this aspect about myself.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to accept anyone for who they truly are in a romantic relationship unless I change this unhealthy outlook. I suspect a part of why I'm so currently frustrated is because of hormonal changes, but looking at it objectively doesn't make it any easier to bear.

There are times when I just think, "Wow. I don't know myself at all." and that's one of the worst feelings I could ever feel. I've always been on my own, grown up alone, played alone, felt isolated and alienated enough times in my life to get angry when people who left me alone before now suddenly want to make me do things.  To put it bluntly, I just want to tell them to fuck off. They were never there for me before, why the fuck do they care so much now? Now that I'm approaching twenty-four, am I supposed to change overnight?  Whatever happened to instilling the good habits in me when I needed to learn them the most?  Don't blame me for how I turned out when all I've really done is mirror you.

I guess anger is better than total apathy. And writing this out will hopefully dent my pride long enough so I can do what I've been told.  I really can't wait to live on my own and call my own shots. I can't wait to be so busy that social interaction will actually be a gift, and not just another burden, to me. 

I'll be fine on my own. I always have been.

dirty paws.

I love being able to listen to new music and sort of let the day slow down as I fully enjoy the moment. When I was younger, I preferred the shock of heavy metal and the underlying fury of the music.  Now that I'm older, I think softer voices and crooned tunes speak to me more.  Not that I don't like metal anymore! I just tend to look for the classical or indie genres more when I'm scrolling through my iTunes.  While heavy metal spoke to my internalized battles for self-esteem and insecurity, indie and classical make me want to expand - like maybe reach into myself and pluck out my heart and dust all the unnecessary negativity off before putting it back inside.  That's weird, right? That, kids, is a sign of maturity!

Anyway, that's my terrible segue into making a list of things I'd like to do with a boyfriend. A topic of conversation that has been pitted into my every day life here and there now that November is upon us and next month, it'll be my 24th birthday. 24th! And then after that comes 25 and I can't even say I'm in my early twenties anymore.  Where did time go?

I'm writing this down here now, so I don't forget if I ever do manage to snag someone.  I'll probably add more as I go...

• make a mixed cd for him; not just romantic, cutesy songs that remind me of us, but also songs I love and songs that have been there for me when I suffered through obstacles - it's like an unconventional way of writing a letter, I think. This way, he can learn about me when I haven't written anything.
• go to concerts together; same concept as the idea above, except I would really love it if it was a group/artist we both liked - which is why I'd prefer someone who has similar musical tastes as I do. That way, we can both enjoy ourselves and understand what this moment might mean for the other person. I went to a Coldplay concert and the couple that sat in front of me was really cute, haha. Not too much PDA, but just enough for me to notice it was a special moment for them, even when I just glanced at them.
• go to an outdoor movie screening/play; I went to one once after grocery shopping and it was really fun. A Shakespeare performance with simple sandwiches.
• spend the whole date just cuddling and sleeping; yes, I'm serious. I think just being able to cuddle is one of the most intimate things you can do with someone - not necessarily romantically, but it'd probably feel even better to do it with someone you like. Maybe music could even be playing in the background so we'd be silent and just listening.. comfortable silence!
• have many dates where we just stay in, order take-out (or after cooking something ourselves) and curl up and watch movies together; gloomy days would be perfect for something like this.  And it'd just be all about dressing down and being comfortable - even wearing glasses, if he wears contacts regularly like I do - and spend low key time together.
• make a small road trip somewhere in California; it doesn't necessarily have to be really far - maybe it could just even be a day to the beach, or the mountains.  Somewhere to get away without having to cash out too much money.
• go to Disneyland together!!! I don't think an explanation is necessary for this, and while Disneyland is a must, going to Universal and Six Flags and all those other theme parks would be pretty gnarly, too.

Anyway, that's all I can really think of for now, haha. Start of a busy few weeks until the end of the semester in early December. Just gotta hang on until then. Yay for my first November post~