new divide.

There are some days where I seriously feel like I hate everyone. Like I'd be so much happier living on my own and limiting interactions to whenever I can actually handle them.  But my hate doesn't usually last long and it's typically more sane - I just happen to think it's a misguided attempt to direct self-loathing elsewhere.  We all have our ways of dealing with things.

And one characteristic of mine that I really struggle with is pride.  It's to the point where if I don't want to do something and someone orders me to do it (obviously not in a workplace or school setting), I just won't do it. I'll get stubborn. I'll get angry. The "who the hell do you think you are?" attitude comes to play, and since I've grown up in an American culture where seniority doesn't really matter, it can happen when my family members tell me to do something as well. 

It just really makes me sad to know that my parents will never really understand me. Ever. Not unless they pull out of their roots and keep an open mind about why their daughter does certain things even if they disapprove entirely.  And that's not going to happen while they're alive. They're human, too. And since I hate myself so quickly when I make mistakes, when anyone else makes mistakes, hate can come pretty easily for them, too. 

I am grateful, for a lot of things. I never lose sight of this knowledge.  I just don't know if I'll ever be able to change this aspect about myself.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to accept anyone for who they truly are in a romantic relationship unless I change this unhealthy outlook. I suspect a part of why I'm so currently frustrated is because of hormonal changes, but looking at it objectively doesn't make it any easier to bear.

There are times when I just think, "Wow. I don't know myself at all." and that's one of the worst feelings I could ever feel. I've always been on my own, grown up alone, played alone, felt isolated and alienated enough times in my life to get angry when people who left me alone before now suddenly want to make me do things.  To put it bluntly, I just want to tell them to fuck off. They were never there for me before, why the fuck do they care so much now? Now that I'm approaching twenty-four, am I supposed to change overnight?  Whatever happened to instilling the good habits in me when I needed to learn them the most?  Don't blame me for how I turned out when all I've really done is mirror you.

I guess anger is better than total apathy. And writing this out will hopefully dent my pride long enough so I can do what I've been told.  I really can't wait to live on my own and call my own shots. I can't wait to be so busy that social interaction will actually be a gift, and not just another burden, to me. 

I'll be fine on my own. I always have been.