y control.

So this year... wow. This year is ending on a really great note.  Not only did I receive the best gifts, but I think being wholly accepted into a community has given me more purpose than before, especially since that community is a church setting.  It's the first time I've really felt like I would be missed, I suppose?

Someone actually bought me a cake! A super expensive-looking one from Tous Le Jours (not a cheap bakery, I can tell that much) and it just happened to be a coincidence that I gave her a present that morning to show my appreciation towards her.  She's done a lot to help me feel like I fit in and now that I've been asked to join the team she works in, I'm determined to do well so that other people will feel as welcomed and remembered as I did.

I admittedly haven't accomplished nearly as much as I thought I would when I was younger. By the time I was twenty-four, I was supposed to have a stable career. But it's not such a bad thing to be still on my way, I think.  There are still many aspects of myself that I'd like to change and I'm just thankful that I wasn't so fixated on the entertainment industry until it was too late.  All things considered, I'm happy and even though I can't quite see where I'm going, I have faith that God will guide me.

2014, I strive to read the entire Bible. Truly.  How can I know where He wants me to go if I don't even have the guidebook He's given us, right? Ah. I just... I hope I can do well. I hope I can remember to keep my head up even if times get really tough.

I'll be significantly busier, I think. But busy is better than having nothing to do at all. :)

twenty four.

pardon me while i write terribly corny and painfully mushy blog entries - i.e. the last two. i've decided that even if i cringe as i write these down, i won't ever get proper writing and expressing practice if i just shut myself down because i'm afraid that "it sounds dumb." that's no way to get better, right?

anyway, getting better at writing is just one of my many goals for 2014 - a few of which I've listed below~

• write more, even if it's not a feel good moment, even if all i'm feeling is rage.
• read more, seriously. maybe check out a library book once every month at least.
• basic list of books i want to read: the night circus, love in the time of cholera, world war z, the hunger games series (maybe?)
• go on at least one date - if you're wondering why this is on there.. i haven't been on a date since sophomore year of high school. (if i can actually get a boyfriend, that would be even better. but i'm not one to set ridiculously high expectations for myself in that department.)
• learn how to cook at least three more dishes.
• remember to jot down all the good things that happen and put it in my "2014 Jar of Good".
• try not to spend so much money on cosmetics and use all the products I have.
• utilize my camera more and take lots of pictures, if only for personal enjoyment.
• speak out rashly less. 
• read the entire Bible at least once. 
• do my best to serve my church community as well as I can - of course, this sounds easy, but when there's a language barrier and cultural differences, I'll have to anticipate a lot more conflict? plus, if i can actually make good friends there, that'd be nice. hopefully serving as part of the Welcoming Committee will help me gain more people skills, learn more about the Korean mindset, and put me in a position to befriend many people.

spilling thoughts.

loneliness
that which has become my friend
adapted through my shields
settling into the cracks of my armor
until there is no separation
that which has become me,
my voice,
my doubt, my longing,
my one flicker of expression,
the pause before the answer,
the hesitation before the action,

loneliness
my preference
my first choice
i stare and eyes stare back at me,
bared with naked shame
no honest lies of courtesy.

loneliness
is safe.
is silence.

speech is the same
but always different
different weights of meanings
and words that explode into images
always different
pulling, pushing, connecting, separating,
speech is tricky,
flimsy at best.

i know loneliness,
and loneliness knows me.
acknowledgment
that which i have always wanted.

apocalypse now.

Wow, I can't believe it's almost been a month since I've updated this blog and I've left on such a bad note.  Other than finals sucking out my brains for the past few weeks, life has been fairly uneventful.  I finished this Thursday and can't be happier with 2/3 grades for my classes - the last grade has yet to be revealed.

Christmas is already upon us, and soon it'll be my birthday and then right after... the new year. I've decided that I want to buy a mason jar from an art store and fill it up with pieces of paper, small pieces that just have the good small events written down on them so at the end of next year, I can re-read them all and reflect on how God has blessed me with all the important small things.  2013 was hard, but definitely life-changing, and I'll always remember it as the year that I realized what I should pursue career-wise.  The year I woke up from my foolish dreams and took on reality more head on.

And next year, good things already await! I'll start serving at my church as part of the Welcoming Team, I'll be heading to Korea to attend my brother's wedding, and if God wills it, I'll be applying to the schools I really want to go to.  So far, I'm off to a good start, but I really have to buckle down and do well for the rest of the time I'm here at PCC - I have to beat all the odds in the classes I haven't done well in.

I ... yeah. I'm just really excited, I guess. I even got myself a gorgeous new red lipstick and lip liner to make use of my oddly shaped lips - who knew my cupid's bow was so pronounced?! - so hopefully I'll only be prettier appearance-wise from here on out.  I'm turning twenty-four and they say women blossom at twenty-five and then gradually start losing their shine.  I'm determined to beat the odds.