sun will set.

Yesterday, it rained periodically all day.

Yesterday, this was all I listened to.

There's something about finding a poem or a story or even just someone's account of a feeling that I haven't been able to place or verbalize before.  And if you find a piece of music that seems to sing with whatever tune your heart is playing at the moment - whether it be joyous or melancholy or just overwhelming without a name - it's the most amazing feeling.  At that moment, it's like you're allowed to fully absorb yourself in what you feel and not what you're supposed to think.

Maybe that's why I love the rain and gloomy weather so much. The day kind of just slows down for me and I'm subconsciously encouraged to explore my feelings and whatever confusion I may be facing in terms of emotions.  I've never been good at expounding on my softer side, just doing enough to acknowledge it before I pack it away and shove it aside so I don't come out looking vulnerable to other people.  Rain captures the luggage I hide, and beckons me to open the things I've tossed inside messily.  Without structure, without any organization.  Just all the insecurities and bittersweet heaviness of knowing that because I am alive, I suffer.  But it's not always painful suffering. Just the slow burning ache of trying to make it past another day.

And yesterday, with the help of this beautiful art, I was able to confront my thoughts about love, in the romantic sense.  Something that still terrifies me even in its basic conceptual form.


"For Women Who Are Difficult to Love"
- written and performed by Warsan Shire

"You are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head

and you tried to change didn’t you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love."

It's kind of scary how accurate this piece is when it comes to how my experiences have been with the opposite sex.  Granted, I've never been the standard of comparison when it comes to exes and future girlfriends, but the raw honest tone hits me hard.  And the second verse is so comforting, so soothing, so simplistic in its gentle reminder that I am not unloved because I am not worthy.   Because that is one of my biggest fears. If I can't love myself, then how will anyone else ever love me?