the little rascal

oh wow.

has it really been over a year since i last posted here?

as always, so much has changed between then and now. celebrated my first year at work by being buried in assignments, achieved some accomplishments within my profession (going to miami with all expenses paid later this month), and paid for my first ten personal training sessions today. i'm out $1200 but... the older i get, and the more medical records i have to sift through, i realize how important it is to cultivate our bodies the best way we can while we're still young, so we don't resort to those same bad habits down the line.

it's like that for me, anyway. 29 is slowly creeping up but to my mother's despair, i'm no closer to finding a boyfriend for potential marriage material. HAHAHA. i'm still perfectly happy with my car as my baby, and having a niece to spoil. (june 28, 2018 will be a date i remember forever. ❤️)

it's 8:25pm on a wednesday night and i should be sleeping. ahhh, can't wait to see how my body shifts and changes with my new workouts!!

i'll come back when i can. (:

the shadow of the past.

June 5th. The day personal history was made.

I couldn't stop waking up after 2AM because I was so paranoid my alarm wouldn't go off, but I made it; despite a freeway blockage, I made it super early and despite not studying as hard as I should have, by the grace of God, honestly, I passed my exam. I remember being terrified as I walked out of the room and waited for the woman to give me the print out of my results and... man. I could have keeled over. I could have screamed if it weren't for the other test takers.

Passing this exam has been the focus of my entire life for the past four years. For the past four years, I haven't gone out to make as many friends as I could have, I haven't been able to truly relax with the knowledge that I have nothing looming closer and closer... it's just been a constant in the back of my mind like I have to do this, I have to learn this and remember this and pass this. Because if not, yeah, I could always take it again, but what about the $200+ exam fee that goes down the drain? What about the faith so many people had in me? And my mental state in having to take it again, it'd be completely crushed, haha.

In two days, my brother and sister-in-law will come from Washington DC and stay for almost a week. In three days, I'll be back at school presenting on my practicum at UCLA, having a last senior luncheon with my classmates and my faculty, and then officially moving out that night. Then at dawn on Sunday, I'll be driving back to school to attend my GRADUATION, where my brother and sister-in-law will watch me walk across the stage in stead of my parents -- who can probably watch it later online. Then Sunday night, I'll be eating a celebratory dinner with my entire family. After my brother and sister-in-law leave on Tuesday, I might go on a road trip with my closest friend.

And then on Monday, I work. I have a job. I have a job at the very place I wanted a job!! I didn't have to do an interview or any job searching and I know that I'm one in a freaking million. The timing was perfect; people have had to wait months for a position to open up but on the second week of my practicum, someone ended up leaving and... wow. Again, I really just have to credit God for all of this.

This is everything falling into place perfectly, more perfectly than I could have imagined. This is all my previous stresses dissipating like nothing, leaving only the motivation to work harder and harder. Starting out small, and humble, will only lead me to learning more and fostering that desire to be better because of it.

I am truly blessed. It's amazing how much change purpose can bring into your life.

can't go home alone again.

My 27th birthday is in less than 2 days. 

Every time I think about how I'm still here, alive, occupying space on this planet we all abuse, I am equal parts grateful and tired. I stumbled on a subreddit a few days ago, one about crime scenes, and of course my morbid curiosity got the better of me, haha. What got me the most wasn't the gore. (Although I can't say I'm fully de-sensitized to it yet.) What got me the most were the pictures of young girls who were victims of rape and then subsequently murdered; the absolute worst were the ones that showed "before and after" pictures. Before their murder, when they were happy and smiling and all prettily done up in their professional clothes and then... after their murder, with their shirts often pulled up to their armpits, throats slashed so violently that their necks were left at an odd angle, bodies left in awful positions that merely suggested how their very last moments were suffered with complete indignity and terror. 

People do that. Men, do that. 

Perhaps it's misguided of me to think that natural disasters aren't as bad, despite the number count differences. Whatever you believe, it's impossible not to acknowledge that nature is a brutal force, that it takes what it wants and the best thing we can do is to learn from our past disasters and prepare for the next one. I do not deny that disasters are terrifying, and worth considering. But when an earthquake strikes or a forest fire greedily burns its way through dry vegetation, those aren't events that are malicious on purpose. I know I have never been trapped in a burning building, nor have I faced the devastating effects of a hurricane -- and I pray I never will. I just think my terror would be so much more acute, and my regret immense, when facing a man who would know he could get away with forcing himself on me, who would cut deep into my tendons and arteries and never once think about the life I tried to lead or the miraculous happenings that kept me alive until he came along. 

So yeah, lately that's what I've been thinking about, haha. I'm never going to let myself go back to that subreddit again because it's clearly bad for my mentality.

Anyway. I'm not really looking forward to 2017 either, haha. It's hard to, with the state of the country as it is right now, but I'm still excited for the bright spots:

• Going back to UCLA for my practicum for ~3 weeks! That means going to UCLA as if I'm working there full-time, haha. There's definitely going to be so much to learn and I'm excited to take it all in.
• Taking my national certification exam; started studying it a bit but I definitely have to amp it up this year so that I can take it with peace of mind around May/June.
• Graduation!! Seriously, this cannot come fast enough. I wasn't going to go to the ceremony because my parents can't make it but my brother and sister in law are coming to California and have offered to come. ;~; I'm so spoiled, haha.
• I got a Universal Studios annual pass (good until September) so I should go as much as I can! It's so close to where I live, I don't even have to take a freeway, haha. Other than the parking prices before 5pm ($20 -_-), it's p e r f e c t.
• Working (fingers crossed!!!) - so graduating means that I get to look for a jOB!! And hopefully with that job comes benefits and a solid starting position paycheck and that in turn means that my mom will hopefully retire from her day job and be able to focus on her pastor's wife duties and doing what she wants to do at home!! And then maybe if I do really well, I can even have my dad retire and take care of my parents!!!!!!!!!!! Such an exciting idea hahaha, no matter how many times I think about it!!!
• Retiring my baby car and getting my mom's to use while she gets a new car. :D I love my car so much but she's getting so tired and old. ;~; Plus she had to drive through all my years of getting adjusted behind the wheel so that probably took a lot out of her. -_-

Every new year, I think to myself: this might be the year I die. I think about death so much I'm not sure if I'm afraid of it or looking forward to it. I definitely don't want to kick it just yet - still got so many things to do - but I'm for sure afraid that one day I will find myself standing before God and He'll tell me that I have lived out my uses. That's like the scariest thing that could ever happen.

i'm a cool girl.

2016. Won't be sorry to see you go, even if 2017 is shaping up to be a horrible year politics-wise.

On the bright side, my brother and sister-in-law will be able to come to my graduation ceremony. I hope I can show them all that I "love" about my school, hah. Excited for them to meet my classmates, too.

Turning twenty seven means I have three years to meet someone, date, and get married by my mother's timeline. Maybe even have a baby by the time I'm thirty. That's a seriously terrifying thought. My father keeps telling me I need to pray for my future husband, but where can I even begin when I'm not sure if I want to get married? Why would I want to subject someone to my grim personality for the rest of his life, haha. No one deserves that, especially not anyone I love.

These days, I'm finding that I'm fantasizing a lot more because I hate the reality I'm stuck in. And it's not even a bad reality!? I don't know how to combat being so spoiled, haha, but I hope I can change my mindset soon. I've realized that superficial Los Angeles culture is penetrating my life a lot more than I thought it would. It's all over my social media, at the very least, with people in my age group going to Christmas parties and spending money at stores I could barely afford a shirt in -- the pride in me says that should be me. And the same pride also says that should never be what I strive for.

But seriously. As soon as I get a job, I'll be spending the half that doesn't go to student loans on my parents. My mom needs to retire. My dad, too, even if his situation is a little stickier. They've both lost so much weight because their responsibilities keep them running around from early morning to night and it terrifies me to think of a future where they won't be around. They've already started making payments to a cemetery for a plot of land where they can be buried on top of each other and I just.. fuck, haha.

I've spent the past four years in a limbo of sorts, going to school instead of working like everyone else was able to do. Next year in June if all goes well, I'll be graduating and I'll be looking for work, too. No more days off or vacation times without repercussion. I know everyone says school is the best time but I'm so sick of being a black hole in terms of financial status. I just want to be someone my parents can depend on. And then maybe from there, I can be someone other people can depend on more, too.

fire meet gasoline.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my rash and impatient faults, and how I want to dispose of them ever so slowly and let the more diplomatic side of me show. I am still so easily riled with people who don't treat me the way I think I deserve to be treated, but I don't want to be like that anymore. I want to be like my parents who are able to brush away angry, shouted words with a kind smile and a genuine tone. Even if it takes some time, they're always able to quench the immature sort of rage that most people forget to leave behind as they grow older. Seriously -- I don't want to be known as one of them. I don't want to give people the power to ignite my temper. I should not give people the power to ignite my temper. Someday I'll be able to write that I will not give people that power, but everything I've learned thus far shows me that it'll be a very long time before I can be that definitive about my patience and its limits.

Getting there of course, means practice, and I'm sure I'll get a lot in (I already am) with the people I'll encounter at work, at conventions, etc, so it's also a matter of being kind to myself when I don't react in a way I'm proud of. I need to remember that the way people act is a direct reflection of who they are, and it has nothing to do with me. It may have to do with how they perceive me (a threat, a competitor, etc) but that's not something I can consciously control. This seriously all seems like a no-brainer to me when I write it out like this, but it's amazing how easily I can lose sight of what's inconsequential and what's logically sound when I'm emotional.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm an empath; I get so emotionally charged, I'm so easily triggered, and I often find myself detaching myself forcibly because otherwise... it's just a raging storm inside. But I'm actually pretty sure I'm just a crybaby, haha. Deep down I'm still that kid who wants everyone to get along and gets a quivery chin when I see someone being unfair to someone else. Growing up has just taught me that feeling helpless is another angsty burden I'll have to deal with somehow. 

Whatever. 

It's already August (8/12 months!!) and I have a lot of things to look forward to!! 

• Finishing my summer internship at UCLA - it's honestly been a pleasure. I've learned a lot, met a lot of people, and have steadily built a connection with the people I see often. It's been difficult as hell, don't get me wrong, because of the early morning call and the hugely stressful commute, but it's all been worth it. I feel like I still have so much to learn but I've done as much as I can, which is comforting.
• Heading to Washington DC to visit my brother and his wife for a little over a week in September!! This is going to be my first trip there since I was a kid and I'm planning to properly enjoy the national monuments and jam pack my trip with activities to make sure I get the most out of this opportunity. My brother's mentioned perhaps going over to NYC or Philadelphia since both of them are close, as well.
• This academic year from September to June is going to be my last year. In June, I'll take the national certification exam before I graduate and even before that, there's gonna be practicums and places to "work" at full time so who knows? I might go to China like I initially wished, or I might go back to UCLA... the possibilities are endless. Or actually, they're not, but they're still exciting to think about.
• After the exam and graduation (fingers crossed) will be my time to interview, apply for jobs -- best case scenario is that I secure one before I graduate but since I'm planning to hitch off to Korea for a few weeks, that might not be plausible.
• My trip to Korea next year is definite though. I need to go because it might be the last time I ever get to see my last living grandparent in this world and I want to hug her and tell her how much I love her and how proud I am to be connected to her through my mom. I also want to reassure her that I'll take care of her daughter as much as I can, as best as I can, now that I'm technically able to work in my field. Ughhh, I'm tearing up as I write this. Please grandma, please hold on until next year when I can come see you. 
• Depending on timing, I may or may not visit a very close friend in Montana or she may come visit me.

It's hard when my thoughts are typically so heavy, but I still have so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to. Money seems to be the all encompassing problem but it's definitely not the key to happiness and I need to remember that, no matter how tempting it may seem. I refuse to be dragged around by material desires that won't ever come close to filling this gap inside of me. I refuse to become complacent, to give up on my dreams because of the gritty world we live in. I hope every difficult step I take is one closer to helping others and making my life count because that's honestly all I could ever want.

at wit's end.

It's almost April!

Today I started the third and final quarter of my junior year. The number of classes have decreased, but I will also be going to "work" Fridays every week for my clinicals now. I'm both excited and nervous -- excited because it'll be my first 8 to 5 kind of job that directly links to what I've been studying for, but nervous because I really want to do well and learn as much as I can to measure practical experience up to academic accomplishments.

The profession I want to head into has many different departments and possible job opportunities, and I think I'm really starting to figure out which path I want to take! At least for now, my interest is leaning towards the privacy/security/quality side of things, so it's not as isolated as coding, but not as intensive as actual management either. People have told me I have leadership qualities, but I'm not sure I see them in myself. It'd be really cool if I could honestly go to law school and really up my knowledge about the way our judicial system works but -- who's going to pay for that? Do I even really have the personality to make it through law school? (No.)

Winter quarter was rough. Mostly because I felt myself exhibiting symptoms of depression - always wanting to sleep, failing to see the point in doing anything at all, so utterly detached without a way to bring myself back. I took all of spring break to reflect on why and how I might prevent it from happening again. The reason I came up with was that due to my introverted nature, not having any meaningful relationships/friendships here really made me take a hit in happiness. You see, all my classmates get to go home after classes -- they have families to go back to while I'm here on campus the entire week. The girls in my dorm are generally nice but everyone is so busy with their own programs that no one ever really has the time to hang out and talk, and if they do, they already have friends in their own respective programs that they have more in common with.

It is what it is. I'm still seeing this entire part of my life as a lesson God wants me to learn - so far I've noticed themes of patience, love, grace, mercy and humility. Loneliness is never really something you can get used to; it's just something you have to learn how to cope with, otherwise it might consume you entirely.

I'm still looking forward to a lot of things!

• I've received an email from one of my professors that I'm slated to receive a scholarship or an award in May
• my summer internship/volunteering gig at one of UCLA's hospitals is sure to be a truly eye-opening experience, under someone who commands huge respect in the field; I really want to do my absolute best and am so grateful they've accepted me
• next year when I'm a senior, I'm going to apply for a scholarship to go and do my clinicals in China for two weeks; some people do their clinicals in other states and countries if they have the means to go -- but they'll pay for my plane ticket, room & board, and everything!!
• my brother and his wife might be able to visit in the summer when I'm in Los Angeles!! fhjsadjsaf it's been way too long since I've seen him and I've missed him terribly
• being without a gym when I'm home during the summer means I need to make my own means of getting proper exercise in - there's a rather steep hiking trail I used to hike a lot with my dad and by the time summer comes to an end, I think I'm going to try and run up it entirely..... :);;
• I'm saving up money to go to Universal Studios Hollywood in the latter half of the year because HARRY POTTER. Ughhh, it's going to be great.

nothing lasts forever.

Has it really been over a year since I've written anything here? Then again, my Instagram feed is bombarded with Christmas-y pictures and I still can't bring myself to believe that the year is really almost over -- and my 26th birthday is just on the horizon.

I guess the best way to do things is to recap everything memorable from 2015. The good, the bad, the painful, and the enlightening.

The last time I blogged, I was still in the process of finishing prerequisites at community college so I could apply to my school of choice. And although it was difficult, I think I did really well for myself.

• January/February: Took both Anatomy & Physiology over a five-week period at a community college in a poorer area; I was at school by 6AM, napping in my car until 6:45AM and then leaving campus by 8/9PM but it was so totally worth it. This experience also really opened my eyes to how privileged I've been in terms of going to well-funded schools -- this place only had a food truck as a source of consumption on campus. The Burger King across the street had a bullet-proof drawer at the drive-thru window where I placed my money inside and closed it so they could receive it. Yeah. It was that intense. But also, the people on campus were some of the nicest I've ever interacted with and I ended up with getting As in both classes.
• May: Got baptized at church; my parents were able to be there, which was such a huge relief and point of happiness for me. 
• June: Got accepted into my school of choice and finally felt like things were moving forward.
• July/August: Stressed out about my very last prerequisite -- Personnel Management -- but found an available online course from the same community college I took A&P, also had it over a five-week period. Not only did I receive an A, but my professor left me this amazingly sweet and encouraging message: 
• Hi, I truly enjoyed reading your responses. You are going to be a great CEO or President of an organization. Notice I didn't say Manager. I wish you luck on all your endeavors. Thank you for your patience and engagement. My computer crashed in the middle of the session and I lost everything. It worked out.!! Again. Have a great Fall Semester.
• September: Very first quarter of my two-year stint at school begins and I settle in pretty well to school, even if the atmosphere is one that I really need to adapt to. The classrooms are tiny, the faculty all know me, and the classes are definitely more hands-on with the students -- Dorothy, we are not in public-school-Kansas anymore. Also began working out consistently in the school gym for 3/4 days a week early in the mornings -- body begins to tone out and slim down even without my conscious dictation of what I eat.
• November: Pulled out the first of four wisdom teeth that I hadn't even known had grown out. Due to my obliviousness, three of the wisdom teeth have infected the teeth around them so I will also need 3 root canals and 3 crowns. Woo. The first wisdom tooth pulled out causes trismus and I suffer from it for a week. Barely recover in time to shovel food into my mouth on Thanksgiving.
• December: Secured the first of many straight A records I hope to achieve; pulled out the second wisdom tooth (via shattering it into six pieces and cutting my gums open) -- currently still recovering from trismus (it's been over just a day over a week now). Also managed to get into a summer internship at a prestigious university so a huge weight has been lifted off of my chest. The best friend and I might do a wine-and-painting night for my birthday, but we'll see. 

2015 was definitely a rough year, but it was also pretty triumphant for me. I guess that's why I can recall the events of it so easily, even though all this time seems like a blur. There are definitely finer details that I'm leaving out of this -- mostly because they're negative aspects that shouldn't tarnish what fond memories I have. The important thing is that I learned. I truly learned. I'm not letting laziness destroy my productivity like I have in the past and I'm actively engaging myself in habits that I know will benefit me in the long run.

I look back at all my accomplishments and I realize most of it is academic. My love life is as dead as ever, but I've also realized that I secretly prefer it that way because I'm not ready to focus on anyone else. I still need this time to concentrate on me and work on me and make sure that I'm stable enough before I even think about intimacy with someone else. It's lonely for sure, especially when everyone around me seems to have someone, but I've never met anyone who made me want to try my best to be with them. And that's pretty simple to decipher, isn't it? If I really wanted to date, I would put myself out there. Instead, I think of all the money I'll have to spend, the time and effort that will be demanded of me, and just the anxious feeling of wanting someone to like me as much as I like them. I guess my emotional intelligence will be the last to whip into shape, haha.

I'm just glad that my newly chosen career field seems to suit me well so far. Here's to a week until 2016, six days until my birthday, and the start of another fight to do well. And here's to hoping I'll remember to update this blog more often!

i miss you.

HAHA. The last two times I posted in here, I used the same phrases. "Chugging steadily". I guess I really like that imagery - that I'm not stopping anywhere for obstacles or unexpected hold-ups. Unfortunately, life is never that simple, is it?

It's already the 8th month of this year, and I've been busier than I thought I would be over a summer vacation, but thoroughly enjoying the fact that I've been getting more plugged into church and getting to experience a number of things I didn't think I would for a while. Like going on a legitimate retreat where I sincerely enjoyed myself and tagging along to Disneyland with one of my closest friends + others. I'm blessed. Really, really blessed, and it always astounds me every day that I have people who want to be my friend. Not just any people, but people I look up to and admire for their strength of character, the huge capacity of their hearts, and just the general amazing-ness of who they are.

Life with a smart phone has been so much more convenient, almost too much, and I'm learning how to dial back my enthusiasm. But ah. School starts again this month and then it's crunch time for 16 weeks before my grandma, aunt, and uncle all come to visit in December (yay!!). And then application for my transfer, getting the last few classes out of the way, carefully stitching up my relationship with God once more, not necessarily prioritized in that order.

I'm as unsure as I've ever been. There are times when I think I won't be any good for the career I'm shooting for. But I know that I've become a better and wiser person on the road to trying to accomplish this. And even if it's not a glamorous straight-and-shoot job like I originally wanted to have, this is a lot more meaningful and ultimately, a lot easier on my blunt, I-hate-brown-nosing personality.

carried away.

Wow. Wow, wow, wow. It's been another two months since I've updated - seriously?! - and sadly, I don't have much to report.

I finished another semester at PCC with straight As and am steadily chugging towards achieving my dream of transferring to the one school in California that offers the program I need. In about three weeks, I'm going to be flying to Korea with my parents for my brother's (!!!) wedding.

While I'm there, I plan to take pictures and record videos of everything I can. The last time I was in Korea, I didn't appreciate the culture or the significance of being able to step outside of American soil and I don't plan to make the same mistake the second time around. It might be the most straight-laced trip ever, or it might be life-changing. We'll have to see, won't we?

It's already near the halfway mark of 2014 and man, I haven't been able to keep up with my goals as much as I'd like. I don't know what I feel most of the time, don't know what I want, and that's always bothered me. I'm mature enough to acknowledge that what I really want (an acting career) would be detrimental in all other aspects of my life. So where does that lead me? Where do my talents lead me? What classifies itself as my talent?

Sometimes I think I specialize in avoiding things. And sometimes I think I do have symptoms of an anxiety disorder, just completely internalized.

This post is all over the place, but an apt description of my thoughts.

할 수 있는게.

Wow. March 3rd. The last time I blogged in here was last year. Already two full months have passed and we're steadily chugging towards the third. I'm not quite sure why I haven't been itching to write down my days' events, maybe because I've been so burnt out, swamped with nasty allergies and just generally feeling down? It's kind of like the low after the high, because even after scoring good grades, I grow impatient and want to be done with school now, and move on to the next part of my life.

I always keep in mind that I'm supposed to move at my own pace but it's not always easy to live by it when others seem to be moving forward so much faster. It makes me ask myself, "When do I get to do that?" but in the end, I have to remember that it's just my envy talking and being unfair. I am not like anyone else. I am me. And I can't be cruel to myself in terms of how I am. I have improved, so much, and I can't forget the little details that have shown true maturity--even though I am always a long, long way from where I want to be.

Recently, I made a huge mistake. A mistake of extreme impatience, one that I thought I was past. But for seven days, I was under severe stress because of it, waiting for the outcome. I entertained thoughts that I was just a burden to my parents, to my family. Even though I know for a fact that they would find these ideas to be ridiculous to the point of offensive, it's these kind of dark thoughts that I've had to battle my entire life. I'm just always so sorry for existing, for not being proactive and knowing what I want and being a go-getter. It's hard, hah. Especially when it's your own thoughts you have to battle, because no matter what, you can justify both sides.

And you don't really want to tell these kinds of things to anyone else because you'd be burdening them, too. I've always felt that my friends love me so much more than I deserve, that the fact that they accept me and want to be around me must mean that I can't be that bad. Because I have wonderful, intelligent, generous, mature, considerate friends who are going places while I'm just--hey, here, existing.

It's hard. I'm twenty-four and it's still hard.

y control.

So this year... wow. This year is ending on a really great note.  Not only did I receive the best gifts, but I think being wholly accepted into a community has given me more purpose than before, especially since that community is a church setting.  It's the first time I've really felt like I would be missed, I suppose?

Someone actually bought me a cake! A super expensive-looking one from Tous Le Jours (not a cheap bakery, I can tell that much) and it just happened to be a coincidence that I gave her a present that morning to show my appreciation towards her.  She's done a lot to help me feel like I fit in and now that I've been asked to join the team she works in, I'm determined to do well so that other people will feel as welcomed and remembered as I did.

I admittedly haven't accomplished nearly as much as I thought I would when I was younger. By the time I was twenty-four, I was supposed to have a stable career. But it's not such a bad thing to be still on my way, I think.  There are still many aspects of myself that I'd like to change and I'm just thankful that I wasn't so fixated on the entertainment industry until it was too late.  All things considered, I'm happy and even though I can't quite see where I'm going, I have faith that God will guide me.

2014, I strive to read the entire Bible. Truly.  How can I know where He wants me to go if I don't even have the guidebook He's given us, right? Ah. I just... I hope I can do well. I hope I can remember to keep my head up even if times get really tough.

I'll be significantly busier, I think. But busy is better than having nothing to do at all. :)

twenty four.

pardon me while i write terribly corny and painfully mushy blog entries - i.e. the last two. i've decided that even if i cringe as i write these down, i won't ever get proper writing and expressing practice if i just shut myself down because i'm afraid that "it sounds dumb." that's no way to get better, right?

anyway, getting better at writing is just one of my many goals for 2014 - a few of which I've listed below~

• write more, even if it's not a feel good moment, even if all i'm feeling is rage.
• read more, seriously. maybe check out a library book once every month at least.
• basic list of books i want to read: the night circus, love in the time of cholera, world war z, the hunger games series (maybe?)
• go on at least one date - if you're wondering why this is on there.. i haven't been on a date since sophomore year of high school. (if i can actually get a boyfriend, that would be even better. but i'm not one to set ridiculously high expectations for myself in that department.)
• learn how to cook at least three more dishes.
• remember to jot down all the good things that happen and put it in my "2014 Jar of Good".
• try not to spend so much money on cosmetics and use all the products I have.
• utilize my camera more and take lots of pictures, if only for personal enjoyment.
• speak out rashly less. 
• read the entire Bible at least once. 
• do my best to serve my church community as well as I can - of course, this sounds easy, but when there's a language barrier and cultural differences, I'll have to anticipate a lot more conflict? plus, if i can actually make good friends there, that'd be nice. hopefully serving as part of the Welcoming Committee will help me gain more people skills, learn more about the Korean mindset, and put me in a position to befriend many people.

apocalypse now.

Wow, I can't believe it's almost been a month since I've updated this blog and I've left on such a bad note.  Other than finals sucking out my brains for the past few weeks, life has been fairly uneventful.  I finished this Thursday and can't be happier with 2/3 grades for my classes - the last grade has yet to be revealed.

Christmas is already upon us, and soon it'll be my birthday and then right after... the new year. I've decided that I want to buy a mason jar from an art store and fill it up with pieces of paper, small pieces that just have the good small events written down on them so at the end of next year, I can re-read them all and reflect on how God has blessed me with all the important small things.  2013 was hard, but definitely life-changing, and I'll always remember it as the year that I realized what I should pursue career-wise.  The year I woke up from my foolish dreams and took on reality more head on.

And next year, good things already await! I'll start serving at my church as part of the Welcoming Team, I'll be heading to Korea to attend my brother's wedding, and if God wills it, I'll be applying to the schools I really want to go to.  So far, I'm off to a good start, but I really have to buckle down and do well for the rest of the time I'm here at PCC - I have to beat all the odds in the classes I haven't done well in.

I ... yeah. I'm just really excited, I guess. I even got myself a gorgeous new red lipstick and lip liner to make use of my oddly shaped lips - who knew my cupid's bow was so pronounced?! - so hopefully I'll only be prettier appearance-wise from here on out.  I'm turning twenty-four and they say women blossom at twenty-five and then gradually start losing their shine.  I'm determined to beat the odds.

new divide.

There are some days where I seriously feel like I hate everyone. Like I'd be so much happier living on my own and limiting interactions to whenever I can actually handle them.  But my hate doesn't usually last long and it's typically more sane - I just happen to think it's a misguided attempt to direct self-loathing elsewhere.  We all have our ways of dealing with things.

And one characteristic of mine that I really struggle with is pride.  It's to the point where if I don't want to do something and someone orders me to do it (obviously not in a workplace or school setting), I just won't do it. I'll get stubborn. I'll get angry. The "who the hell do you think you are?" attitude comes to play, and since I've grown up in an American culture where seniority doesn't really matter, it can happen when my family members tell me to do something as well. 

It just really makes me sad to know that my parents will never really understand me. Ever. Not unless they pull out of their roots and keep an open mind about why their daughter does certain things even if they disapprove entirely.  And that's not going to happen while they're alive. They're human, too. And since I hate myself so quickly when I make mistakes, when anyone else makes mistakes, hate can come pretty easily for them, too. 

I am grateful, for a lot of things. I never lose sight of this knowledge.  I just don't know if I'll ever be able to change this aspect about myself.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to accept anyone for who they truly are in a romantic relationship unless I change this unhealthy outlook. I suspect a part of why I'm so currently frustrated is because of hormonal changes, but looking at it objectively doesn't make it any easier to bear.

There are times when I just think, "Wow. I don't know myself at all." and that's one of the worst feelings I could ever feel. I've always been on my own, grown up alone, played alone, felt isolated and alienated enough times in my life to get angry when people who left me alone before now suddenly want to make me do things.  To put it bluntly, I just want to tell them to fuck off. They were never there for me before, why the fuck do they care so much now? Now that I'm approaching twenty-four, am I supposed to change overnight?  Whatever happened to instilling the good habits in me when I needed to learn them the most?  Don't blame me for how I turned out when all I've really done is mirror you.

I guess anger is better than total apathy. And writing this out will hopefully dent my pride long enough so I can do what I've been told.  I really can't wait to live on my own and call my own shots. I can't wait to be so busy that social interaction will actually be a gift, and not just another burden, to me. 

I'll be fine on my own. I always have been.

dirty paws.

I love being able to listen to new music and sort of let the day slow down as I fully enjoy the moment. When I was younger, I preferred the shock of heavy metal and the underlying fury of the music.  Now that I'm older, I think softer voices and crooned tunes speak to me more.  Not that I don't like metal anymore! I just tend to look for the classical or indie genres more when I'm scrolling through my iTunes.  While heavy metal spoke to my internalized battles for self-esteem and insecurity, indie and classical make me want to expand - like maybe reach into myself and pluck out my heart and dust all the unnecessary negativity off before putting it back inside.  That's weird, right? That, kids, is a sign of maturity!

Anyway, that's my terrible segue into making a list of things I'd like to do with a boyfriend. A topic of conversation that has been pitted into my every day life here and there now that November is upon us and next month, it'll be my 24th birthday. 24th! And then after that comes 25 and I can't even say I'm in my early twenties anymore.  Where did time go?

I'm writing this down here now, so I don't forget if I ever do manage to snag someone.  I'll probably add more as I go...

• make a mixed cd for him; not just romantic, cutesy songs that remind me of us, but also songs I love and songs that have been there for me when I suffered through obstacles - it's like an unconventional way of writing a letter, I think. This way, he can learn about me when I haven't written anything.
• go to concerts together; same concept as the idea above, except I would really love it if it was a group/artist we both liked - which is why I'd prefer someone who has similar musical tastes as I do. That way, we can both enjoy ourselves and understand what this moment might mean for the other person. I went to a Coldplay concert and the couple that sat in front of me was really cute, haha. Not too much PDA, but just enough for me to notice it was a special moment for them, even when I just glanced at them.
• go to an outdoor movie screening/play; I went to one once after grocery shopping and it was really fun. A Shakespeare performance with simple sandwiches.
• spend the whole date just cuddling and sleeping; yes, I'm serious. I think just being able to cuddle is one of the most intimate things you can do with someone - not necessarily romantically, but it'd probably feel even better to do it with someone you like. Maybe music could even be playing in the background so we'd be silent and just listening.. comfortable silence!
• have many dates where we just stay in, order take-out (or after cooking something ourselves) and curl up and watch movies together; gloomy days would be perfect for something like this.  And it'd just be all about dressing down and being comfortable - even wearing glasses, if he wears contacts regularly like I do - and spend low key time together.
• make a small road trip somewhere in California; it doesn't necessarily have to be really far - maybe it could just even be a day to the beach, or the mountains.  Somewhere to get away without having to cash out too much money.
• go to Disneyland together!!! I don't think an explanation is necessary for this, and while Disneyland is a must, going to Universal and Six Flags and all those other theme parks would be pretty gnarly, too.

Anyway, that's all I can really think of for now, haha. Start of a busy few weeks until the end of the semester in early December. Just gotta hang on until then. Yay for my first November post~

looking for yourself.

I think there's a lot to be said in the way that I find solitude to be the most reassuring, most calming... most comfortable state of being that I can be in.  It really is like putting on a mask for the day, a corset to hold in and tighten up all the doubts and insecurities, before heading out and socializing for a few hours.

Don't get me wrong - I love being with people and laughing with them and learning about them, but every time I come home afterwards, I have to kind of ... recharge. And sometimes it takes me longer than just a few hours. Sometimes the exhaustion is to the point where I want to sleep for a few months and cease all interactions with people for that period of time.

Oldie, but a goodie that I find relevant to my mood. :)

walk on air.

So today, in efforts to cheer myself up because I can feel dark times coming up ahead (if you know what I mean, they drop in monthly), I decided that I need to get out of the house for non-school related reasons and did something I love to do by myself: go grocery shopping.  I don't know when I cultivated this love for wheeling a cart around aisles while perusing all the stocked up products... but I guess maybe it's because I daydream about living on my own (or with a roommate) for so much of my life that it just seems like this will be what my future errands will include?  That's my theory, anyway.

Anyway, here's a list of my purchases (partly so I won't forget to cook them before they go bad):

• wheat bread (the only ones that were left were ones that would expire Oct. 28 - Oct. 31, but I put half in the freezer so they should last me longer, hehe.)
• sliced jalapenos!! (for sandwiches, chips, tacos, ...everything else...)
• tomatillos (seven, to be exact, although I accidentally accounted for six.)
• jasmine rice
• buffalo sauce (i think i'll make myself a healthy version of buffalo chicken sandwich...)
• balsamic vinegar (i love to dip my bread in olive oil & balsamic vinegar with herbs.)
• chicken broth (thanks to my friend, I know how to make various Mexican salsas and Mexican rice, fufufu.)
• tiny tortillas (enough said.)

And then there were totally two unrelated purchases when I ran across the parking lot to the CVS to buy a lip balm and bronzer. Using the lip balm right now and it's actually really hydrating. I can understand why there were only two left ... maybe I should have gotten the other one to leave inside my purse ... Darn, haha.

But all in all, it was a really productive store visit and it definitely helped me regain a sense of contentment so I can stop moping about school and cramps and start meeting these obstacles head-on.

And now to change the topic completely, haha.

I talked to Siri for the first time.

Since I've been regularly going out to a Korean church, the topic of relationships has floated up a lot more often.  Usually, it'd just be my mother gently (hopefully) inquiring about my nonexistent dating life, only to look mildly disappointed but not surprised at my answer.  I feel like an integral part of Korean culture is the community, and within that, the almost-need to date.  I'm not saying that Korean people are more desperate to be in a relationship, but every Korean community I've stepped foot in seem to be immersed with couples.  Even at this church, there are a lot of couples.  When I was in Korea, couples were everywhere - sometimes very glaringly obvious with their couple outfits.  Dating is important to them.

And as a twenty-three-year-old who'll turn twenty four this year... I should start thinking about dating, too.  But the thing is, I still don't think I'm ready.  I firmly believe God will lead me to the person He knows best fits me, but I also believe the reason that He hasn't yet is because He knows that I'm not ready, either.  I think you should really... at least try, to love yourself, before you think about getting into a serious relationship with someone else.  And I'm not quite there yet.

The last thing I'd ever want is to be a crutch for someone, or need someone as a crutch.  I don't want my life to revolve around the person I'm with - I don't want all of my happiness to come from being with him.  I want to keep my own life and my own identity and my own small happinesses but feel comfortable enough to share them with this other person.  And I don't know if I'm ready to share at all, another reason why I don't think I'm ready.  (Not to mention the tiny fact that my interest in someone always dies out really easily.  Whether I stamp it out subconsciously or willfully, the flame disappears.)

So really, I don't know. Maybe I need to get out more and meet all kinds of different people to really open my eyes to what kind of person might best match me.  Maybe he's already in the peripheral of my life.  Maybe I'm destined to be single until I die - and I'd be okay with that too, I think.  Maybe.  Once my friends all get married and have families of their own, I might start thinking differently.

Whatever the case, I'm grateful that I have people praying for me.  It's always a comforting buoy that I cling to whenever I'm pushed out into the rough turbulence that comes from my feelings.

get back home.

It's the first day after my regimen has ended and I feel good. I ate roasted sweet potato, a hardboiled egg, and some green peas for breakfast, got a work out in, came to school a few hours early and got my CIS homework done two hours before my Spanish class. Contrary to what I feared, I'm not scrambling to get to the nearest fast food restaurant (of which there are many around campus) and I'm actually contemplating the healthiest options I have. (But I might give in and try a new drink because I need a pick-me-upper.)

I heard a really great sermon two nights ago, when my church held an event. The pastor started out the sermon with, what you're doing now, you will be doing ten years from now.  Force of habit, dispassionate living, all of that. And at first I didn't get it, or I thought he was wrong, but as he continued to speak, I understood what he meant.  I get now why my parents wanted me to come to this pastor's church.

Every new day is an opportunity for change. And even if I'm still haunted by my mistakes, it doesn't mean that I haven't changed for the better.  For instance, a few years ago, just getting behind the wheel to drive made my hands clammy, my legs numb, and my heart rate speed up.  Just the thought of driving a car terrified me.  Now, I don't care if it's rush hour time or not - now, driving even soothes me when there's no traffic, just the long stretch of an empty freeway ahead of me.  I grew more careful with my driving (I don't touch 90mph now) but I don't let the idea cripple me either.

My mistakes then don't reflect who I am now, and what I have to offer.  Later, when I get the chance, I think I'd like to try and write down a list of characteristics I would like to try and tackle, one day at a time. And among one of those traits is the definite tendency to blame myself for what I've done, allowing myself to get stuck in the past.

down this river.

I had a heart to heart talk with my father this morning.  Or well, more like he was giving me advice and I was sitting there, listening quietly.  When it comes to my parents, I somehow can't bring myself to open up as easily.  It probably has a lot to do with the language barrier, mixed with my initial instinct to just... not talk.  It's gotten bad as I've gotten older, and it's one of the qualities about myself that I need to fix.

With my dad's help, I've realized that I take a lot of things personally and it's been accumulating more stress than I need to have.  I'm turning 24 in about three months and I feel like I haven't changed enough to show for it.  I thought I would have made a steady career for myself by now, maybe a boyfriend to show the parents that I wasn't going to end up a 30-year-old bride.  But as we all know, nothing in life ever turns out the way we expect, or even want to sometimes.

I'm twenty three and I'm starting my first year at a community college (which I may have to stay at longer given the information I received this morning).  Which means I'll have a shot at starting an actual career in what -- maybe two or three years? When I'm 25/26 - God forbid, 27? And I've always told myself it's okay to go at a different pace than others but when put to practice, it's actually really hard to remember this tidbit of advice.  Perhaps it's because instead of feeling like I'm moving forward, I actually feel like I'm reversing -- slipping backwards to pay for all the time I wasted in university.

There is no way I'm going to give up.  If anything, the difficulties that have surfaced make me want to work harder and make this happen so that I can reach the end of the road (the entrance to another rocky road) and prove to myself that I can do this.

Life is hard.  There are some really mean people out there.  This is common knowledge that I have learned since I was a kid. But I don't have to be discouraged. I don't have to hate those mean people. There may be way more setbacks than I was anticipating -- there usually are.  It might take me longer than I wanted to get me into the workforce.  That's okay.  I'm not just learning education.  I firmly believe that God takes me through experiences to help me learn to cope, to force me to confront myself and really dig out the issues that have been wormed into my heart since I was a kid.

In perspective, I'm still young. And if I die while still young, then at least I will have learned something.  I mean, I'd like to think I've changed so much from high school to UCSD, and then from UCSD until now.  And there's a lot more ground to cover, but little progress is better than none at all.  Just like trying again is better than giving up before your life really gets a chance to start.

i'm going in.

Most everyone else is comfortable starting over in the New Year.  Of course, I have to wait until it's late April to really get a move on because I've always been at a pace slower than everyone else.

On the bright side, I think I've found a career path that I won't regret pursuing, even if it means going back to school (which I swore I would never do when I graduated university).  And of course, it turns out that I'm actually pretty excited to be going back to school again, even if it's not a graduate program I'm enrolled into.

I'm about one and three fourths of a month into an unpaid internship at an editorial company out in downtown Los Angeles.  The people are kind and fun to work with, I've been getting more acquainted with the streets and highways of LA - and not to mention the restaurants (thank you, yelp!), but the best part is, even when I work from an angle which I love (writing), I have come to realize that the entertainment business is definitely not for someone like me.

For one, as glamorous as Hollywood had sounded when I was growing up, the reality is that Hollywood is just a hodgepodge of gossip and a rat race to try and stay ahead with the latest trends.  It's fun when it's not my job, when I'm just perusing through a magazine in Ralph's but when I have to be the one to research up outfits and hang-out spots and contacts for agents, I can't imagine a worse way to spend my time.  Doing this kind of job for forty years and allowing my youth to seep away in the meantime and having nothing meaningful to show for my life when I'm nearing my death?  No thanks.

Two, Hollywood has definitely struck me as the industry where you need to be actively social, and actively brown-nosing.  Ain't nobody got time for that, unless you like this kind of thing.  And as my brother said to me recently, "I think you're the last person among the people I know who would be into kissing ass." And sure, you might think, well, everyone has to kiss ass when they start, and then as they progress into a higher position, it'll die out.  Not in the entertainment industry.  Everyone is so entangled with connections and the need to stay on top and relevant that it's impossible to get away from it.  And ironically enough, I had this epiphany while I was interviewing for two public relations firms.  They were both horrible in their own way, but definitely eye-opening and worth the forty-minute, traffic-infested drive.  Public relations, basically covering up for big-names and politicians whenever scandals break out, manipulating the media (in the way that I hate) to cast them in the best light possible.

Three, as a Communications major, I will be the first to admit that at first glance, the major seems useless.  But there is so much I can do with it that I will never ever concede quietly whenever someone scoffs at my degree choice.  Communication is the heart of human interaction, of society, of relationships, of the best things in life that are not things, of the fascinating mysteries of foreign languages, of culture, of history, of future, of the present.  I stand behind this statement because I went from being lukewarm about my major into realizing the subtle but crucial importance it has to every aspect of our society, to people.  So, like most other things, it can be a weapon of manipulation (see rant above) or used for good.  And I'd like to try and use it for as much good as I can.

Life is always so shaky.  And I'm trying to learn to see it in a good way.