oh wow.
has it really been over a year since i last posted here?
as always, so much has changed between then and now. celebrated my first year at work by being buried in assignments, achieved some accomplishments within my profession (going to miami with all expenses paid later this month), and paid for my first ten personal training sessions today. i'm out $1200 but... the older i get, and the more medical records i have to sift through, i realize how important it is to cultivate our bodies the best way we can while we're still young, so we don't resort to those same bad habits down the line.
it's like that for me, anyway. 29 is slowly creeping up but to my mother's despair, i'm no closer to finding a boyfriend for potential marriage material. HAHAHA. i'm still perfectly happy with my car as my baby, and having a niece to spoil. (june 28, 2018 will be a date i remember forever. ❤️)
it's 8:25pm on a wednesday night and i should be sleeping. ahhh, can't wait to see how my body shifts and changes with my new workouts!!
i'll come back when i can. (:
Showing posts with label reflective thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reflective thoughts. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 5, 2018
Monday, June 5, 2017
the shadow of the past.
June 5th. The day personal history was made.
I couldn't stop waking up after 2AM because I was so paranoid my alarm wouldn't go off, but I made it; despite a freeway blockage, I made it super early and despite not studying as hard as I should have, by the grace of God, honestly, I passed my exam. I remember being terrified as I walked out of the room and waited for the woman to give me the print out of my results and... man. I could have keeled over. I could have screamed if it weren't for the other test takers.
Passing this exam has been the focus of my entire life for the past four years. For the past four years, I haven't gone out to make as many friends as I could have, I haven't been able to truly relax with the knowledge that I have nothing looming closer and closer... it's just been a constant in the back of my mind like I have to do this, I have to learn this and remember this and pass this. Because if not, yeah, I could always take it again, but what about the $200+ exam fee that goes down the drain? What about the faith so many people had in me? And my mental state in having to take it again, it'd be completely crushed, haha.
In two days, my brother and sister-in-law will come from Washington DC and stay for almost a week. In three days, I'll be back at school presenting on my practicum at UCLA, having a last senior luncheon with my classmates and my faculty, and then officially moving out that night. Then at dawn on Sunday, I'll be driving back to school to attend my GRADUATION, where my brother and sister-in-law will watch me walk across the stage in stead of my parents -- who can probably watch it later online. Then Sunday night, I'll be eating a celebratory dinner with my entire family. After my brother and sister-in-law leave on Tuesday, I might go on a road trip with my closest friend.
And then on Monday, I work. I have a job. I have a job at the very place I wanted a job!! I didn't have to do an interview or any job searching and I know that I'm one in a freaking million. The timing was perfect; people have had to wait months for a position to open up but on the second week of my practicum, someone ended up leaving and... wow. Again, I really just have to credit God for all of this.
This is everything falling into place perfectly, more perfectly than I could have imagined. This is all my previous stresses dissipating like nothing, leaving only the motivation to work harder and harder. Starting out small, and humble, will only lead me to learning more and fostering that desire to be better because of it.
I am truly blessed. It's amazing how much change purpose can bring into your life.
I couldn't stop waking up after 2AM because I was so paranoid my alarm wouldn't go off, but I made it; despite a freeway blockage, I made it super early and despite not studying as hard as I should have, by the grace of God, honestly, I passed my exam. I remember being terrified as I walked out of the room and waited for the woman to give me the print out of my results and... man. I could have keeled over. I could have screamed if it weren't for the other test takers.
Passing this exam has been the focus of my entire life for the past four years. For the past four years, I haven't gone out to make as many friends as I could have, I haven't been able to truly relax with the knowledge that I have nothing looming closer and closer... it's just been a constant in the back of my mind like I have to do this, I have to learn this and remember this and pass this. Because if not, yeah, I could always take it again, but what about the $200+ exam fee that goes down the drain? What about the faith so many people had in me? And my mental state in having to take it again, it'd be completely crushed, haha.
In two days, my brother and sister-in-law will come from Washington DC and stay for almost a week. In three days, I'll be back at school presenting on my practicum at UCLA, having a last senior luncheon with my classmates and my faculty, and then officially moving out that night. Then at dawn on Sunday, I'll be driving back to school to attend my GRADUATION, where my brother and sister-in-law will watch me walk across the stage in stead of my parents -- who can probably watch it later online. Then Sunday night, I'll be eating a celebratory dinner with my entire family. After my brother and sister-in-law leave on Tuesday, I might go on a road trip with my closest friend.
And then on Monday, I work. I have a job. I have a job at the very place I wanted a job!! I didn't have to do an interview or any job searching and I know that I'm one in a freaking million. The timing was perfect; people have had to wait months for a position to open up but on the second week of my practicum, someone ended up leaving and... wow. Again, I really just have to credit God for all of this.
This is everything falling into place perfectly, more perfectly than I could have imagined. This is all my previous stresses dissipating like nothing, leaving only the motivation to work harder and harder. Starting out small, and humble, will only lead me to learning more and fostering that desire to be better because of it.
I am truly blessed. It's amazing how much change purpose can bring into your life.
Sunday, May 7, 2017
the love you're given.
Wow. Okay.
I have no idea how time has passed by so quickly when it all seemed to take so long, but I'm finally here now, at the cusp of my final academic stretch, staring into my last finals week here. After that comes three weeks of practicum and then the national examination and graduation and.... "the real world" as everyone is so fond of terming it.
This morning, I had a really intense dream. I was in a small, rural village -- rural as in legitimate thatched huts, homes made out of mud, and dirt paths. Up ahead on the path I was walking on, past a large truck, I saw a tiger hesitantly making its way out of its cage -- whether tempted by people or just because it was escaping, I don't remember. So obviously rattled and scared, I stopped and began to back away, only to realize that there was a lioness that had been watching me from behind the large truck. Holy crap, haha. I just remember the surge of stress and walking away quickly (for some reason, there was a domestic black cat that was following me) in hopes of evading it, but it kept stalking me. Eventually, I had to ask one of the homes to open their door to me, and let me inside. The cat barely made it inside after me but it did. I remember thinking even in my dream that the door, the hut, was way too thin and feeble to stand up to a huge lioness' paws.
The dream began to get fuzzy at this point but the lioness sat outside the hut and yowled or something - which one of the people who let me in translated. Apparently she could smell how different I was and how tasty I would be. That was why, despite there being a bunch of other prey, she kept following me.
When I first woke up, I thought the lioness represented finals and the continuous feeling of impending doom and constant anxiety I feel at the thought of so many responsibilities and life-changing events up ahead. This wouldn't be the first time I have... strangely visceral dreams during moments of stress, haha.
But after thinking about it a little more, I think it represents a deeper, darker fear that I've been having as my graduation date draws nearer.
Anyone can talk a big talk about changing the world and having drive to make a difference. For as long as I could remember though, all I had was that talk. In school, during my practicums, in scholarship letters, all that, I stated how much I wanted to make a difference and I do. Achingly so, especially in the face of what appears to be Trump's healthcare plan further crippling our beast of a healthcare system.
However, once I receive my diploma and step out onto the world as someone who's ready to work, I'll have to back up all that talk. And it's not that I don't want to, it's that I'm afraid I won't live up to my own expectations, haha. I'm.. being a coward, essentially, because being great always comes with an amount of sacrifices and hardships. And I've never truly thought about myself as someone who would be able to do great things.
I think that lioness represents what I could be? Or hopefully, what I'm meant to be. I just need to stop running away from it and stop making excuses for myself. At this point, I'm the only one holding myself back.
I have no idea how time has passed by so quickly when it all seemed to take so long, but I'm finally here now, at the cusp of my final academic stretch, staring into my last finals week here. After that comes three weeks of practicum and then the national examination and graduation and.... "the real world" as everyone is so fond of terming it.
This morning, I had a really intense dream. I was in a small, rural village -- rural as in legitimate thatched huts, homes made out of mud, and dirt paths. Up ahead on the path I was walking on, past a large truck, I saw a tiger hesitantly making its way out of its cage -- whether tempted by people or just because it was escaping, I don't remember. So obviously rattled and scared, I stopped and began to back away, only to realize that there was a lioness that had been watching me from behind the large truck. Holy crap, haha. I just remember the surge of stress and walking away quickly (for some reason, there was a domestic black cat that was following me) in hopes of evading it, but it kept stalking me. Eventually, I had to ask one of the homes to open their door to me, and let me inside. The cat barely made it inside after me but it did. I remember thinking even in my dream that the door, the hut, was way too thin and feeble to stand up to a huge lioness' paws.
The dream began to get fuzzy at this point but the lioness sat outside the hut and yowled or something - which one of the people who let me in translated. Apparently she could smell how different I was and how tasty I would be. That was why, despite there being a bunch of other prey, she kept following me.
When I first woke up, I thought the lioness represented finals and the continuous feeling of impending doom and constant anxiety I feel at the thought of so many responsibilities and life-changing events up ahead. This wouldn't be the first time I have... strangely visceral dreams during moments of stress, haha.
But after thinking about it a little more, I think it represents a deeper, darker fear that I've been having as my graduation date draws nearer.
Anyone can talk a big talk about changing the world and having drive to make a difference. For as long as I could remember though, all I had was that talk. In school, during my practicums, in scholarship letters, all that, I stated how much I wanted to make a difference and I do. Achingly so, especially in the face of what appears to be Trump's healthcare plan further crippling our beast of a healthcare system.
However, once I receive my diploma and step out onto the world as someone who's ready to work, I'll have to back up all that talk. And it's not that I don't want to, it's that I'm afraid I won't live up to my own expectations, haha. I'm.. being a coward, essentially, because being great always comes with an amount of sacrifices and hardships. And I've never truly thought about myself as someone who would be able to do great things.
I think that lioness represents what I could be? Or hopefully, what I'm meant to be. I just need to stop running away from it and stop making excuses for myself. At this point, I'm the only one holding myself back.
Saturday, August 6, 2016
fire meet gasoline.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about my rash and impatient faults, and how I want to dispose of them ever so slowly and let the more diplomatic side of me show. I am still so easily riled with people who don't treat me the way I think I deserve to be treated, but I don't want to be like that anymore. I want to be like my parents who are able to brush away angry, shouted words with a kind smile and a genuine tone. Even if it takes some time, they're always able to quench the immature sort of rage that most people forget to leave behind as they grow older. Seriously -- I don't want to be known as one of them. I don't want to give people the power to ignite my temper. I should not give people the power to ignite my temper. Someday I'll be able to write that I will not give people that power, but everything I've learned thus far shows me that it'll be a very long time before I can be that definitive about my patience and its limits.
Getting there of course, means practice, and I'm sure I'll get a lot in (I already am) with the people I'll encounter at work, at conventions, etc, so it's also a matter of being kind to myself when I don't react in a way I'm proud of. I need to remember that the way people act is a direct reflection of who they are, and it has nothing to do with me. It may have to do with how they perceive me (a threat, a competitor, etc) but that's not something I can consciously control. This seriously all seems like a no-brainer to me when I write it out like this, but it's amazing how easily I can lose sight of what's inconsequential and what's logically sound when I'm emotional.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm an empath; I get so emotionally charged, I'm so easily triggered, and I often find myself detaching myself forcibly because otherwise... it's just a raging storm inside. But I'm actually pretty sure I'm just a crybaby, haha. Deep down I'm still that kid who wants everyone to get along and gets a quivery chin when I see someone being unfair to someone else. Growing up has just taught me that feeling helpless is another angsty burden I'll have to deal with somehow.
Whatever.
It's already August (8/12 months!!) and I have a lot of things to look forward to!!
- Finishing my summer internship at UCLA - it's honestly been a pleasure. I've learned a lot, met a lot of people, and have steadily built a connection with the people I see often. It's been difficult as hell, don't get me wrong, because of the early morning call and the hugely stressful commute, but it's all been worth it. I feel like I still have so much to learn but I've done as much as I can, which is comforting.
- Heading to Washington DC to visit my brother and his wife for a little over a week in September!! This is going to be my first trip there since I was a kid and I'm planning to properly enjoy the national monuments and jam pack my trip with activities to make sure I get the most out of this opportunity. My brother's mentioned perhaps going over to NYC or Philadelphia since both of them are close, as well.
- This academic year from September to June is going to be my last year. In June, I'll take the national certification exam before I graduate and even before that, there's gonna be practicums and places to "work" at full time so who knows? I might go to China like I initially wished, or I might go back to UCLA... the possibilities are endless. Or actually, they're not, but they're still exciting to think about.
- After the exam and graduation (fingers crossed) will be my time to interview, apply for jobs -- best case scenario is that I secure one before I graduate but since I'm planning to hitch off to Korea for a few weeks, that might not be plausible.
- My trip to Korea next year is definite though. I need to go because it might be the last time I ever get to see my last living grandparent in this world and I want to hug her and tell her how much I love her and how proud I am to be connected to her through my mom. I also want to reassure her that I'll take care of her daughter as much as I can, as best as I can, now that I'm technically able to work in my field. Ughhh, I'm tearing up as I write this. Please grandma, please hold on until next year when I can come see you.
- Depending on timing, I may or may not visit a very close friend in Montana or she may come visit me.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
할 수 있는게.
Wow. March 3rd. The last time I blogged in here was last year. Already two full months have passed and we're steadily chugging towards the third. I'm not quite sure why I haven't been itching to write down my days' events, maybe because I've been so burnt out, swamped with nasty allergies and just generally feeling down? It's kind of like the low after the high, because even after scoring good grades, I grow impatient and want to be done with school now, and move on to the next part of my life.
I always keep in mind that I'm supposed to move at my own pace but it's not always easy to live by it when others seem to be moving forward so much faster. It makes me ask myself, "When do I get to do that?" but in the end, I have to remember that it's just my envy talking and being unfair. I am not like anyone else. I am me. And I can't be cruel to myself in terms of how I am. I have improved, so much, and I can't forget the little details that have shown true maturity--even though I am always a long, long way from where I want to be.
Recently, I made a huge mistake. A mistake of extreme impatience, one that I thought I was past. But for seven days, I was under severe stress because of it, waiting for the outcome. I entertained thoughts that I was just a burden to my parents, to my family. Even though I know for a fact that they would find these ideas to be ridiculous to the point of offensive, it's these kind of dark thoughts that I've had to battle my entire life. I'm just always so sorry for existing, for not being proactive and knowing what I want and being a go-getter. It's hard, hah. Especially when it's your own thoughts you have to battle, because no matter what, you can justify both sides.
And you don't really want to tell these kinds of things to anyone else because you'd be burdening them, too. I've always felt that my friends love me so much more than I deserve, that the fact that they accept me and want to be around me must mean that I can't be that bad. Because I have wonderful, intelligent, generous, mature, considerate friends who are going places while I'm just--hey, here, existing.
It's hard. I'm twenty-four and it's still hard.
I always keep in mind that I'm supposed to move at my own pace but it's not always easy to live by it when others seem to be moving forward so much faster. It makes me ask myself, "When do I get to do that?" but in the end, I have to remember that it's just my envy talking and being unfair. I am not like anyone else. I am me. And I can't be cruel to myself in terms of how I am. I have improved, so much, and I can't forget the little details that have shown true maturity--even though I am always a long, long way from where I want to be.
Recently, I made a huge mistake. A mistake of extreme impatience, one that I thought I was past. But for seven days, I was under severe stress because of it, waiting for the outcome. I entertained thoughts that I was just a burden to my parents, to my family. Even though I know for a fact that they would find these ideas to be ridiculous to the point of offensive, it's these kind of dark thoughts that I've had to battle my entire life. I'm just always so sorry for existing, for not being proactive and knowing what I want and being a go-getter. It's hard, hah. Especially when it's your own thoughts you have to battle, because no matter what, you can justify both sides.
And you don't really want to tell these kinds of things to anyone else because you'd be burdening them, too. I've always felt that my friends love me so much more than I deserve, that the fact that they accept me and want to be around me must mean that I can't be that bad. Because I have wonderful, intelligent, generous, mature, considerate friends who are going places while I'm just--hey, here, existing.
It's hard. I'm twenty-four and it's still hard.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
apocalypse now.
Wow, I can't believe it's almost been a month since I've updated this blog and I've left on such a bad note. Other than finals sucking out my brains for the past few weeks, life has been fairly uneventful. I finished this Thursday and can't be happier with 2/3 grades for my classes - the last grade has yet to be revealed.
Christmas is already upon us, and soon it'll be my birthday and then right after... the new year. I've decided that I want to buy a mason jar from an art store and fill it up with pieces of paper, small pieces that just have the good small events written down on them so at the end of next year, I can re-read them all and reflect on how God has blessed me with all the important small things. 2013 was hard, but definitely life-changing, and I'll always remember it as the year that I realized what I should pursue career-wise. The year I woke up from my foolish dreams and took on reality more head on.
And next year, good things already await! I'll start serving at my church as part of the Welcoming Team, I'll be heading to Korea to attend my brother's wedding, and if God wills it, I'll be applying to the schools I really want to go to. So far, I'm off to a good start, but I really have to buckle down and do well for the rest of the time I'm here at PCC - I have to beat all the odds in the classes I haven't done well in.
I ... yeah. I'm just really excited, I guess. I even got myself a gorgeous new red lipstick and lip liner to make use of my oddly shaped lips - who knew my cupid's bow was so pronounced?! - so hopefully I'll only be prettier appearance-wise from here on out. I'm turning twenty-four and they say women blossom at twenty-five and then gradually start losing their shine. I'm determined to beat the odds.
Christmas is already upon us, and soon it'll be my birthday and then right after... the new year. I've decided that I want to buy a mason jar from an art store and fill it up with pieces of paper, small pieces that just have the good small events written down on them so at the end of next year, I can re-read them all and reflect on how God has blessed me with all the important small things. 2013 was hard, but definitely life-changing, and I'll always remember it as the year that I realized what I should pursue career-wise. The year I woke up from my foolish dreams and took on reality more head on.
And next year, good things already await! I'll start serving at my church as part of the Welcoming Team, I'll be heading to Korea to attend my brother's wedding, and if God wills it, I'll be applying to the schools I really want to go to. So far, I'm off to a good start, but I really have to buckle down and do well for the rest of the time I'm here at PCC - I have to beat all the odds in the classes I haven't done well in.
I ... yeah. I'm just really excited, I guess. I even got myself a gorgeous new red lipstick and lip liner to make use of my oddly shaped lips - who knew my cupid's bow was so pronounced?! - so hopefully I'll only be prettier appearance-wise from here on out. I'm turning twenty-four and they say women blossom at twenty-five and then gradually start losing their shine. I'm determined to beat the odds.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
new divide.
There are some days where I seriously feel like I hate everyone. Like I'd be so much happier living on my own and limiting interactions to whenever I can actually handle them. But my hate doesn't usually last long and it's typically more sane - I just happen to think it's a misguided attempt to direct self-loathing elsewhere. We all have our ways of dealing with things.
And one characteristic of mine that I really struggle with is pride. It's to the point where if I don't want to do something and someone orders me to do it (obviously not in a workplace or school setting), I just won't do it. I'll get stubborn. I'll get angry. The "who the hell do you think you are?" attitude comes to play, and since I've grown up in an American culture where seniority doesn't really matter, it can happen when my family members tell me to do something as well.
It just really makes me sad to know that my parents will never really understand me. Ever. Not unless they pull out of their roots and keep an open mind about why their daughter does certain things even if they disapprove entirely. And that's not going to happen while they're alive. They're human, too. And since I hate myself so quickly when I make mistakes, when anyone else makes mistakes, hate can come pretty easily for them, too.
I am grateful, for a lot of things. I never lose sight of this knowledge. I just don't know if I'll ever be able to change this aspect about myself. I don't know if I'll ever be able to accept anyone for who they truly are in a romantic relationship unless I change this unhealthy outlook. I suspect a part of why I'm so currently frustrated is because of hormonal changes, but looking at it objectively doesn't make it any easier to bear.
There are times when I just think, "Wow. I don't know myself at all." and that's one of the worst feelings I could ever feel. I've always been on my own, grown up alone, played alone, felt isolated and alienated enough times in my life to get angry when people who left me alone before now suddenly want to make me do things. To put it bluntly, I just want to tell them to fuck off. They were never there for me before, why the fuck do they care so much now? Now that I'm approaching twenty-four, am I supposed to change overnight? Whatever happened to instilling the good habits in me when I needed to learn them the most? Don't blame me for how I turned out when all I've really done is mirror you.
I guess anger is better than total apathy. And writing this out will hopefully dent my pride long enough so I can do what I've been told. I really can't wait to live on my own and call my own shots. I can't wait to be so busy that social interaction will actually be a gift, and not just another burden, to me.
I'll be fine on my own. I always have been.
And one characteristic of mine that I really struggle with is pride. It's to the point where if I don't want to do something and someone orders me to do it (obviously not in a workplace or school setting), I just won't do it. I'll get stubborn. I'll get angry. The "who the hell do you think you are?" attitude comes to play, and since I've grown up in an American culture where seniority doesn't really matter, it can happen when my family members tell me to do something as well.
It just really makes me sad to know that my parents will never really understand me. Ever. Not unless they pull out of their roots and keep an open mind about why their daughter does certain things even if they disapprove entirely. And that's not going to happen while they're alive. They're human, too. And since I hate myself so quickly when I make mistakes, when anyone else makes mistakes, hate can come pretty easily for them, too.
I am grateful, for a lot of things. I never lose sight of this knowledge. I just don't know if I'll ever be able to change this aspect about myself. I don't know if I'll ever be able to accept anyone for who they truly are in a romantic relationship unless I change this unhealthy outlook. I suspect a part of why I'm so currently frustrated is because of hormonal changes, but looking at it objectively doesn't make it any easier to bear.
There are times when I just think, "Wow. I don't know myself at all." and that's one of the worst feelings I could ever feel. I've always been on my own, grown up alone, played alone, felt isolated and alienated enough times in my life to get angry when people who left me alone before now suddenly want to make me do things. To put it bluntly, I just want to tell them to fuck off. They were never there for me before, why the fuck do they care so much now? Now that I'm approaching twenty-four, am I supposed to change overnight? Whatever happened to instilling the good habits in me when I needed to learn them the most? Don't blame me for how I turned out when all I've really done is mirror you.
I guess anger is better than total apathy. And writing this out will hopefully dent my pride long enough so I can do what I've been told. I really can't wait to live on my own and call my own shots. I can't wait to be so busy that social interaction will actually be a gift, and not just another burden, to me.
I'll be fine on my own. I always have been.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
test drive.
Most of the things I write in this blog, I write believing that no one will ever really read it. Unless they want the URL shikshin for their blogspot, in which case, tough luck! But anyway, this is one of those instances.
I have a presentation on the cardiovascular system coming up and after doing some research, I came across a particular syndrome that I found alarmingly similar to symptoms I have experienced almost too often to be good. It's called stress cardiomyopathy - but also known as the broken heart syndrome. Basically with this condition, people experience symptoms not unlike that of a heart attack - difficulty breathing, chest pain, and arm aches (which are the worst for me). The thing is though, it's a condition they've just become aware of so there isn't much information on it - according to the web, which I will take with a grain of salt, of course - and apparently it's not supposed to occur over and over again.
I have a presentation on the cardiovascular system coming up and after doing some research, I came across a particular syndrome that I found alarmingly similar to symptoms I have experienced almost too often to be good. It's called stress cardiomyopathy - but also known as the broken heart syndrome. Basically with this condition, people experience symptoms not unlike that of a heart attack - difficulty breathing, chest pain, and arm aches (which are the worst for me). The thing is though, it's a condition they've just become aware of so there isn't much information on it - according to the web, which I will take with a grain of salt, of course - and apparently it's not supposed to occur over and over again.
But I've been dealing with these symptoms for a while now. My arms feel like they're getting jammed as if something is seriously wrong with them, I have to take deep breaths because I have difficulty breathing easily (something I'm going through even as I type this right now) ... it's amazing, how much the mind can influence your body into jolting into reactions.
But even scarier, is the thought that I'm still stressing myself out without realizing it. I thought this was something I'd leave behind me in university, but apparently not. Does this mean my heart muscle is weak enough to succumb every time I have an overwhelming amount of stress? Should I tell my parents? Haha.........
Anyway, I've been listening to this quite a bit. I love soundtracks.
Edit: Having parents who are so wise and mature and gracious and faithful in their beliefs is the most humbling thing ever. Just lying in their bed, getting petted by my mom as I was listening to what she had to say was a huge blessing. I'm so utterly grateful to have such parents.
Edit: Having parents who are so wise and mature and gracious and faithful in their beliefs is the most humbling thing ever. Just lying in their bed, getting petted by my mom as I was listening to what she had to say was a huge blessing. I'm so utterly grateful to have such parents.
Monday, October 21, 2013
walk on air.
So today, in efforts to cheer myself up because I can feel dark times coming up ahead (if you know what I mean, they drop in monthly), I decided that I need to get out of the house for non-school related reasons and did something I love to do by myself: go grocery shopping. I don't know when I cultivated this love for wheeling a cart around aisles while perusing all the stocked up products... but I guess maybe it's because I daydream about living on my own (or with a roommate) for so much of my life that it just seems like this will be what my future errands will include? That's my theory, anyway.
Anyway, here's a list of my purchases (partly so I won't forget to cook them before they go bad):
But all in all, it was a really productive store visit and it definitely helped me regain a sense of contentment so I can stop moping about school and cramps and start meeting these obstacles head-on.
And now to change the topic completely, haha.
Since I've been regularly going out to a Korean church, the topic of relationships has floated up a lot more often. Usually, it'd just be my mother gently (hopefully) inquiring about my nonexistent dating life, only to look mildly disappointed but not surprised at my answer. I feel like an integral part of Korean culture is the community, and within that, the almost-need to date. I'm not saying that Korean people are more desperate to be in a relationship, but every Korean community I've stepped foot in seem to be immersed with couples. Even at this church, there are a lot of couples. When I was in Korea, couples were everywhere - sometimes very glaringly obvious with their couple outfits. Dating is important to them.
And as a twenty-three-year-old who'll turn twenty four this year... I should start thinking about dating, too. But the thing is, I still don't think I'm ready. I firmly believe God will lead me to the person He knows best fits me, but I also believe the reason that He hasn't yet is because He knows that I'm not ready, either. I think you should really... at least try, to love yourself, before you think about getting into a serious relationship with someone else. And I'm not quite there yet.
The last thing I'd ever want is to be a crutch for someone, or need someone as a crutch. I don't want my life to revolve around the person I'm with - I don't want all of my happiness to come from being with him. I want to keep my own life and my own identity and my own small happinesses but feel comfortable enough to share them with this other person. And I don't know if I'm ready to share at all, another reason why I don't think I'm ready. (Not to mention the tiny fact that my interest in someone always dies out really easily. Whether I stamp it out subconsciously or willfully, the flame disappears.)
So really, I don't know. Maybe I need to get out more and meet all kinds of different people to really open my eyes to what kind of person might best match me. Maybe he's already in the peripheral of my life. Maybe I'm destined to be single until I die - and I'd be okay with that too, I think. Maybe. Once my friends all get married and have families of their own, I might start thinking differently.
Whatever the case, I'm grateful that I have people praying for me. It's always a comforting buoy that I cling to whenever I'm pushed out into the rough turbulence that comes from my feelings.
Anyway, here's a list of my purchases (partly so I won't forget to cook them before they go bad):
- wheat bread (the only ones that were left were ones that would expire Oct. 28 - Oct. 31, but I put half in the freezer so they should last me longer, hehe.)
- sliced jalapenos!! (for sandwiches, chips, tacos, ...everything else...)
- tomatillos (seven, to be exact, although I accidentally accounted for six.)
- jasmine rice
- buffalo sauce (i think i'll make myself a healthy version of buffalo chicken sandwich...)
- balsamic vinegar (i love to dip my bread in olive oil & balsamic vinegar with herbs.)
- chicken broth (thanks to my friend, I know how to make various Mexican salsas and Mexican rice, fufufu.)
- tiny tortillas (enough said.)
But all in all, it was a really productive store visit and it definitely helped me regain a sense of contentment so I can stop moping about school and cramps and start meeting these obstacles head-on.
And now to change the topic completely, haha.
 |
| I talked to Siri for the first time. |
Since I've been regularly going out to a Korean church, the topic of relationships has floated up a lot more often. Usually, it'd just be my mother gently (hopefully) inquiring about my nonexistent dating life, only to look mildly disappointed but not surprised at my answer. I feel like an integral part of Korean culture is the community, and within that, the almost-need to date. I'm not saying that Korean people are more desperate to be in a relationship, but every Korean community I've stepped foot in seem to be immersed with couples. Even at this church, there are a lot of couples. When I was in Korea, couples were everywhere - sometimes very glaringly obvious with their couple outfits. Dating is important to them.
And as a twenty-three-year-old who'll turn twenty four this year... I should start thinking about dating, too. But the thing is, I still don't think I'm ready. I firmly believe God will lead me to the person He knows best fits me, but I also believe the reason that He hasn't yet is because He knows that I'm not ready, either. I think you should really... at least try, to love yourself, before you think about getting into a serious relationship with someone else. And I'm not quite there yet.
The last thing I'd ever want is to be a crutch for someone, or need someone as a crutch. I don't want my life to revolve around the person I'm with - I don't want all of my happiness to come from being with him. I want to keep my own life and my own identity and my own small happinesses but feel comfortable enough to share them with this other person. And I don't know if I'm ready to share at all, another reason why I don't think I'm ready. (Not to mention the tiny fact that my interest in someone always dies out really easily. Whether I stamp it out subconsciously or willfully, the flame disappears.)
So really, I don't know. Maybe I need to get out more and meet all kinds of different people to really open my eyes to what kind of person might best match me. Maybe he's already in the peripheral of my life. Maybe I'm destined to be single until I die - and I'd be okay with that too, I think. Maybe. Once my friends all get married and have families of their own, I might start thinking differently.
Whatever the case, I'm grateful that I have people praying for me. It's always a comforting buoy that I cling to whenever I'm pushed out into the rough turbulence that comes from my feelings.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
get back home.
It's the first day after my regimen has ended and I feel good. I ate roasted sweet potato, a hardboiled egg, and some green peas for breakfast, got a work out in, came to school a few hours early and got my CIS homework done two hours before my Spanish class. Contrary to what I feared, I'm not scrambling to get to the nearest fast food restaurant (of which there are many around campus) and I'm actually contemplating the healthiest options I have. (But I might give in and try a new drink because I need a pick-me-upper.)
I heard a really great sermon two nights ago, when my church held an event. The pastor started out the sermon with, what you're doing now, you will be doing ten years from now. Force of habit, dispassionate living, all of that. And at first I didn't get it, or I thought he was wrong, but as he continued to speak, I understood what he meant. I get now why my parents wanted me to come to this pastor's church.
Every new day is an opportunity for change. And even if I'm still haunted by my mistakes, it doesn't mean that I haven't changed for the better. For instance, a few years ago, just getting behind the wheel to drive made my hands clammy, my legs numb, and my heart rate speed up. Just the thought of driving a car terrified me. Now, I don't care if it's rush hour time or not - now, driving even soothes me when there's no traffic, just the long stretch of an empty freeway ahead of me. I grew more careful with my driving (I don't touch 90mph now) but I don't let the idea cripple me either.
My mistakes then don't reflect who I am now, and what I have to offer. Later, when I get the chance, I think I'd like to try and write down a list of characteristics I would like to try and tackle, one day at a time. And among one of those traits is the definite tendency to blame myself for what I've done, allowing myself to get stuck in the past.
I heard a really great sermon two nights ago, when my church held an event. The pastor started out the sermon with, what you're doing now, you will be doing ten years from now. Force of habit, dispassionate living, all of that. And at first I didn't get it, or I thought he was wrong, but as he continued to speak, I understood what he meant. I get now why my parents wanted me to come to this pastor's church.
Every new day is an opportunity for change. And even if I'm still haunted by my mistakes, it doesn't mean that I haven't changed for the better. For instance, a few years ago, just getting behind the wheel to drive made my hands clammy, my legs numb, and my heart rate speed up. Just the thought of driving a car terrified me. Now, I don't care if it's rush hour time or not - now, driving even soothes me when there's no traffic, just the long stretch of an empty freeway ahead of me. I grew more careful with my driving (I don't touch 90mph now) but I don't let the idea cripple me either.
My mistakes then don't reflect who I am now, and what I have to offer. Later, when I get the chance, I think I'd like to try and write down a list of characteristics I would like to try and tackle, one day at a time. And among one of those traits is the definite tendency to blame myself for what I've done, allowing myself to get stuck in the past.
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