fire meet gasoline.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my rash and impatient faults, and how I want to dispose of them ever so slowly and let the more diplomatic side of me show. I am still so easily riled with people who don't treat me the way I think I deserve to be treated, but I don't want to be like that anymore. I want to be like my parents who are able to brush away angry, shouted words with a kind smile and a genuine tone. Even if it takes some time, they're always able to quench the immature sort of rage that most people forget to leave behind as they grow older. Seriously -- I don't want to be known as one of them. I don't want to give people the power to ignite my temper. I should not give people the power to ignite my temper. Someday I'll be able to write that I will not give people that power, but everything I've learned thus far shows me that it'll be a very long time before I can be that definitive about my patience and its limits.

Getting there of course, means practice, and I'm sure I'll get a lot in (I already am) with the people I'll encounter at work, at conventions, etc, so it's also a matter of being kind to myself when I don't react in a way I'm proud of. I need to remember that the way people act is a direct reflection of who they are, and it has nothing to do with me. It may have to do with how they perceive me (a threat, a competitor, etc) but that's not something I can consciously control. This seriously all seems like a no-brainer to me when I write it out like this, but it's amazing how easily I can lose sight of what's inconsequential and what's logically sound when I'm emotional.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm an empath; I get so emotionally charged, I'm so easily triggered, and I often find myself detaching myself forcibly because otherwise... it's just a raging storm inside. But I'm actually pretty sure I'm just a crybaby, haha. Deep down I'm still that kid who wants everyone to get along and gets a quivery chin when I see someone being unfair to someone else. Growing up has just taught me that feeling helpless is another angsty burden I'll have to deal with somehow. 

Whatever. 

It's already August (8/12 months!!) and I have a lot of things to look forward to!! 

• Finishing my summer internship at UCLA - it's honestly been a pleasure. I've learned a lot, met a lot of people, and have steadily built a connection with the people I see often. It's been difficult as hell, don't get me wrong, because of the early morning call and the hugely stressful commute, but it's all been worth it. I feel like I still have so much to learn but I've done as much as I can, which is comforting.
• Heading to Washington DC to visit my brother and his wife for a little over a week in September!! This is going to be my first trip there since I was a kid and I'm planning to properly enjoy the national monuments and jam pack my trip with activities to make sure I get the most out of this opportunity. My brother's mentioned perhaps going over to NYC or Philadelphia since both of them are close, as well.
• This academic year from September to June is going to be my last year. In June, I'll take the national certification exam before I graduate and even before that, there's gonna be practicums and places to "work" at full time so who knows? I might go to China like I initially wished, or I might go back to UCLA... the possibilities are endless. Or actually, they're not, but they're still exciting to think about.
• After the exam and graduation (fingers crossed) will be my time to interview, apply for jobs -- best case scenario is that I secure one before I graduate but since I'm planning to hitch off to Korea for a few weeks, that might not be plausible.
• My trip to Korea next year is definite though. I need to go because it might be the last time I ever get to see my last living grandparent in this world and I want to hug her and tell her how much I love her and how proud I am to be connected to her through my mom. I also want to reassure her that I'll take care of her daughter as much as I can, as best as I can, now that I'm technically able to work in my field. Ughhh, I'm tearing up as I write this. Please grandma, please hold on until next year when I can come see you. 
• Depending on timing, I may or may not visit a very close friend in Montana or she may come visit me.

It's hard when my thoughts are typically so heavy, but I still have so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to. Money seems to be the all encompassing problem but it's definitely not the key to happiness and I need to remember that, no matter how tempting it may seem. I refuse to be dragged around by material desires that won't ever come close to filling this gap inside of me. I refuse to become complacent, to give up on my dreams because of the gritty world we live in. I hope every difficult step I take is one closer to helping others and making my life count because that's honestly all I could ever want.