It's the first day after my regimen has ended and I feel good. I ate roasted sweet potato, a hardboiled egg, and some green peas for breakfast, got a work out in, came to school a few hours early and got my CIS homework done two hours before my Spanish class. Contrary to what I feared, I'm not scrambling to get to the nearest fast food restaurant (of which there are many around campus) and I'm actually contemplating the healthiest options I have. (But I might give in and try a new drink because I need a pick-me-upper.)
I heard a really great sermon two nights ago, when my church held an event. The pastor started out the sermon with, what you're doing now, you will be doing ten years from now. Force of habit, dispassionate living, all of that. And at first I didn't get it, or I thought he was wrong, but as he continued to speak, I understood what he meant. I get now why my parents wanted me to come to this pastor's church.
Every new day is an opportunity for change. And even if I'm still haunted by my mistakes, it doesn't mean that I haven't changed for the better. For instance, a few years ago, just getting behind the wheel to drive made my hands clammy, my legs numb, and my heart rate speed up. Just the thought of driving a car terrified me. Now, I don't care if it's rush hour time or not - now, driving even soothes me when there's no traffic, just the long stretch of an empty freeway ahead of me. I grew more careful with my driving (I don't touch 90mph now) but I don't let the idea cripple me either.
My mistakes then don't reflect who I am now, and what I have to offer. Later, when I get the chance, I think I'd like to try and write down a list of characteristics I would like to try and tackle, one day at a time. And among one of those traits is the definite tendency to blame myself for what I've done, allowing myself to get stuck in the past.
Showing posts with label pinned motivation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pinned motivation. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
down this river.
I had a heart to heart talk with my father this morning. Or well, more like he was giving me advice and I was sitting there, listening quietly. When it comes to my parents, I somehow can't bring myself to open up as easily. It probably has a lot to do with the language barrier, mixed with my initial instinct to just... not talk. It's gotten bad as I've gotten older, and it's one of the qualities about myself that I need to fix.
With my dad's help, I've realized that I take a lot of things personally and it's been accumulating more stress than I need to have. I'm turning 24 in about three months and I feel like I haven't changed enough to show for it. I thought I would have made a steady career for myself by now, maybe a boyfriend to show the parents that I wasn't going to end up a 30-year-old bride. But as we all know, nothing in life ever turns out the way we expect, or even want to sometimes.
I'm twenty three and I'm starting my first year at a community college (which I may have to stay at longer given the information I received this morning). Which means I'll have a shot at starting an actual career in what -- maybe two or three years? When I'm 25/26 - God forbid, 27? And I've always told myself it's okay to go at a different pace than others but when put to practice, it's actually really hard to remember this tidbit of advice. Perhaps it's because instead of feeling like I'm moving forward, I actually feel like I'm reversing -- slipping backwards to pay for all the time I wasted in university.
There is no way I'm going to give up. If anything, the difficulties that have surfaced make me want to work harder and make this happen so that I can reach the end of the road (the entrance to another rocky road) and prove to myself that I can do this.
Life is hard. There are some really mean people out there. This is common knowledge that I have learned since I was a kid. But I don't have to be discouraged. I don't have to hate those mean people. There may be way more setbacks than I was anticipating -- there usually are. It might take me longer than I wanted to get me into the workforce. That's okay. I'm not just learning education. I firmly believe that God takes me through experiences to help me learn to cope, to force me to confront myself and really dig out the issues that have been wormed into my heart since I was a kid.
In perspective, I'm still young. And if I die while still young, then at least I will have learned something. I mean, I'd like to think I've changed so much from high school to UCSD, and then from UCSD until now. And there's a lot more ground to cover, but little progress is better than none at all. Just like trying again is better than giving up before your life really gets a chance to start.
With my dad's help, I've realized that I take a lot of things personally and it's been accumulating more stress than I need to have. I'm turning 24 in about three months and I feel like I haven't changed enough to show for it. I thought I would have made a steady career for myself by now, maybe a boyfriend to show the parents that I wasn't going to end up a 30-year-old bride. But as we all know, nothing in life ever turns out the way we expect, or even want to sometimes.
I'm twenty three and I'm starting my first year at a community college (which I may have to stay at longer given the information I received this morning). Which means I'll have a shot at starting an actual career in what -- maybe two or three years? When I'm 25/26 - God forbid, 27? And I've always told myself it's okay to go at a different pace than others but when put to practice, it's actually really hard to remember this tidbit of advice. Perhaps it's because instead of feeling like I'm moving forward, I actually feel like I'm reversing -- slipping backwards to pay for all the time I wasted in university.
There is no way I'm going to give up. If anything, the difficulties that have surfaced make me want to work harder and make this happen so that I can reach the end of the road (the entrance to another rocky road) and prove to myself that I can do this.
Life is hard. There are some really mean people out there. This is common knowledge that I have learned since I was a kid. But I don't have to be discouraged. I don't have to hate those mean people. There may be way more setbacks than I was anticipating -- there usually are. It might take me longer than I wanted to get me into the workforce. That's okay. I'm not just learning education. I firmly believe that God takes me through experiences to help me learn to cope, to force me to confront myself and really dig out the issues that have been wormed into my heart since I was a kid.
In perspective, I'm still young. And if I die while still young, then at least I will have learned something. I mean, I'd like to think I've changed so much from high school to UCSD, and then from UCSD until now. And there's a lot more ground to cover, but little progress is better than none at all. Just like trying again is better than giving up before your life really gets a chance to start.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
white sandy beaches.
The next twelve weeks will be hell. But all I have to do is remember that I've been through far worse and I can do this. My grades don't reflect who I am, especially when faced with obstacles that I have yet to face before. A difficult teacher, work assignments that I try my best with but never excel in, all that matters is that I learn what I'm meant to and I continue to persevere in my conviction that this is the right career path for myself.
And if I don't really know, it's okay, too. I don't think we're ever really meant to be sure of anything in our lives.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
i'm going in.
Most everyone else is comfortable starting over in the New Year. Of course, I have to wait until it's late April to really get a move on because I've always been at a pace slower than everyone else.
On the bright side, I think I've found a career path that I won't regret pursuing, even if it means going back to school (which I swore I would never do when I graduated university). And of course, it turns out that I'm actually pretty excited to be going back to school again, even if it's not a graduate program I'm enrolled into.
I'm about one and three fourths of a month into an unpaid internship at an editorial company out in downtown Los Angeles. The people are kind and fun to work with, I've been getting more acquainted with the streets and highways of LA - and not to mention the restaurants (thank you, yelp!), but the best part is, even when I work from an angle which I love (writing), I have come to realize that the entertainment business is definitely not for someone like me.
For one, as glamorous as Hollywood had sounded when I was growing up, the reality is that Hollywood is just a hodgepodge of gossip and a rat race to try and stay ahead with the latest trends. It's fun when it's not my job, when I'm just perusing through a magazine in Ralph's but when I have to be the one to research up outfits and hang-out spots and contacts for agents, I can't imagine a worse way to spend my time. Doing this kind of job for forty years and allowing my youth to seep away in the meantime and having nothing meaningful to show for my life when I'm nearing my death? No thanks.
Two, Hollywood has definitely struck me as the industry where you need to be actively social, and actively brown-nosing. Ain't nobody got time for that, unless you like this kind of thing. And as my brother said to me recently, "I think you're the last person among the people I know who would be into kissing ass." And sure, you might think, well, everyone has to kiss ass when they start, and then as they progress into a higher position, it'll die out. Not in the entertainment industry. Everyone is so entangled with connections and the need to stay on top and relevant that it's impossible to get away from it. And ironically enough, I had this epiphany while I was interviewing for two public relations firms. They were both horrible in their own way, but definitely eye-opening and worth the forty-minute, traffic-infested drive. Public relations, basically covering up for big-names and politicians whenever scandals break out, manipulating the media (in the way that I hate) to cast them in the best light possible.
Three, as a Communications major, I will be the first to admit that at first glance, the major seems useless. But there is so much I can do with it that I will never ever concede quietly whenever someone scoffs at my degree choice. Communication is the heart of human interaction, of society, of relationships, of the best things in life that are not things, of the fascinating mysteries of foreign languages, of culture, of history, of future, of the present. I stand behind this statement because I went from being lukewarm about my major into realizing the subtle but crucial importance it has to every aspect of our society, to people. So, like most other things, it can be a weapon of manipulation (see rant above) or used for good. And I'd like to try and use it for as much good as I can.
Life is always so shaky. And I'm trying to learn to see it in a good way.
On the bright side, I think I've found a career path that I won't regret pursuing, even if it means going back to school (which I swore I would never do when I graduated university). And of course, it turns out that I'm actually pretty excited to be going back to school again, even if it's not a graduate program I'm enrolled into.
I'm about one and three fourths of a month into an unpaid internship at an editorial company out in downtown Los Angeles. The people are kind and fun to work with, I've been getting more acquainted with the streets and highways of LA - and not to mention the restaurants (thank you, yelp!), but the best part is, even when I work from an angle which I love (writing), I have come to realize that the entertainment business is definitely not for someone like me.
For one, as glamorous as Hollywood had sounded when I was growing up, the reality is that Hollywood is just a hodgepodge of gossip and a rat race to try and stay ahead with the latest trends. It's fun when it's not my job, when I'm just perusing through a magazine in Ralph's but when I have to be the one to research up outfits and hang-out spots and contacts for agents, I can't imagine a worse way to spend my time. Doing this kind of job for forty years and allowing my youth to seep away in the meantime and having nothing meaningful to show for my life when I'm nearing my death? No thanks.
Two, Hollywood has definitely struck me as the industry where you need to be actively social, and actively brown-nosing. Ain't nobody got time for that, unless you like this kind of thing. And as my brother said to me recently, "I think you're the last person among the people I know who would be into kissing ass." And sure, you might think, well, everyone has to kiss ass when they start, and then as they progress into a higher position, it'll die out. Not in the entertainment industry. Everyone is so entangled with connections and the need to stay on top and relevant that it's impossible to get away from it. And ironically enough, I had this epiphany while I was interviewing for two public relations firms. They were both horrible in their own way, but definitely eye-opening and worth the forty-minute, traffic-infested drive. Public relations, basically covering up for big-names and politicians whenever scandals break out, manipulating the media (in the way that I hate) to cast them in the best light possible.
Three, as a Communications major, I will be the first to admit that at first glance, the major seems useless. But there is so much I can do with it that I will never ever concede quietly whenever someone scoffs at my degree choice. Communication is the heart of human interaction, of society, of relationships, of the best things in life that are not things, of the fascinating mysteries of foreign languages, of culture, of history, of future, of the present. I stand behind this statement because I went from being lukewarm about my major into realizing the subtle but crucial importance it has to every aspect of our society, to people. So, like most other things, it can be a weapon of manipulation (see rant above) or used for good. And I'd like to try and use it for as much good as I can.
Life is always so shaky. And I'm trying to learn to see it in a good way.
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