the shadow of the past.

June 5th. The day personal history was made.

I couldn't stop waking up after 2AM because I was so paranoid my alarm wouldn't go off, but I made it; despite a freeway blockage, I made it super early and despite not studying as hard as I should have, by the grace of God, honestly, I passed my exam. I remember being terrified as I walked out of the room and waited for the woman to give me the print out of my results and... man. I could have keeled over. I could have screamed if it weren't for the other test takers.

Passing this exam has been the focus of my entire life for the past four years. For the past four years, I haven't gone out to make as many friends as I could have, I haven't been able to truly relax with the knowledge that I have nothing looming closer and closer... it's just been a constant in the back of my mind like I have to do this, I have to learn this and remember this and pass this. Because if not, yeah, I could always take it again, but what about the $200+ exam fee that goes down the drain? What about the faith so many people had in me? And my mental state in having to take it again, it'd be completely crushed, haha.

In two days, my brother and sister-in-law will come from Washington DC and stay for almost a week. In three days, I'll be back at school presenting on my practicum at UCLA, having a last senior luncheon with my classmates and my faculty, and then officially moving out that night. Then at dawn on Sunday, I'll be driving back to school to attend my GRADUATION, where my brother and sister-in-law will watch me walk across the stage in stead of my parents -- who can probably watch it later online. Then Sunday night, I'll be eating a celebratory dinner with my entire family. After my brother and sister-in-law leave on Tuesday, I might go on a road trip with my closest friend.

And then on Monday, I work. I have a job. I have a job at the very place I wanted a job!! I didn't have to do an interview or any job searching and I know that I'm one in a freaking million. The timing was perfect; people have had to wait months for a position to open up but on the second week of my practicum, someone ended up leaving and... wow. Again, I really just have to credit God for all of this.

This is everything falling into place perfectly, more perfectly than I could have imagined. This is all my previous stresses dissipating like nothing, leaving only the motivation to work harder and harder. Starting out small, and humble, will only lead me to learning more and fostering that desire to be better because of it.

I am truly blessed. It's amazing how much change purpose can bring into your life.

at wit's end.

It's almost April!

Today I started the third and final quarter of my junior year. The number of classes have decreased, but I will also be going to "work" Fridays every week for my clinicals now. I'm both excited and nervous -- excited because it'll be my first 8 to 5 kind of job that directly links to what I've been studying for, but nervous because I really want to do well and learn as much as I can to measure practical experience up to academic accomplishments.

The profession I want to head into has many different departments and possible job opportunities, and I think I'm really starting to figure out which path I want to take! At least for now, my interest is leaning towards the privacy/security/quality side of things, so it's not as isolated as coding, but not as intensive as actual management either. People have told me I have leadership qualities, but I'm not sure I see them in myself. It'd be really cool if I could honestly go to law school and really up my knowledge about the way our judicial system works but -- who's going to pay for that? Do I even really have the personality to make it through law school? (No.)

Winter quarter was rough. Mostly because I felt myself exhibiting symptoms of depression - always wanting to sleep, failing to see the point in doing anything at all, so utterly detached without a way to bring myself back. I took all of spring break to reflect on why and how I might prevent it from happening again. The reason I came up with was that due to my introverted nature, not having any meaningful relationships/friendships here really made me take a hit in happiness. You see, all my classmates get to go home after classes -- they have families to go back to while I'm here on campus the entire week. The girls in my dorm are generally nice but everyone is so busy with their own programs that no one ever really has the time to hang out and talk, and if they do, they already have friends in their own respective programs that they have more in common with.

It is what it is. I'm still seeing this entire part of my life as a lesson God wants me to learn - so far I've noticed themes of patience, love, grace, mercy and humility. Loneliness is never really something you can get used to; it's just something you have to learn how to cope with, otherwise it might consume you entirely.

I'm still looking forward to a lot of things!

• I've received an email from one of my professors that I'm slated to receive a scholarship or an award in May
• my summer internship/volunteering gig at one of UCLA's hospitals is sure to be a truly eye-opening experience, under someone who commands huge respect in the field; I really want to do my absolute best and am so grateful they've accepted me
• next year when I'm a senior, I'm going to apply for a scholarship to go and do my clinicals in China for two weeks; some people do their clinicals in other states and countries if they have the means to go -- but they'll pay for my plane ticket, room & board, and everything!!
• my brother and his wife might be able to visit in the summer when I'm in Los Angeles!! fhjsadjsaf it's been way too long since I've seen him and I've missed him terribly
• being without a gym when I'm home during the summer means I need to make my own means of getting proper exercise in - there's a rather steep hiking trail I used to hike a lot with my dad and by the time summer comes to an end, I think I'm going to try and run up it entirely..... :);;
• I'm saving up money to go to Universal Studios Hollywood in the latter half of the year because HARRY POTTER. Ughhh, it's going to be great.

nothing lasts forever.

Has it really been over a year since I've written anything here? Then again, my Instagram feed is bombarded with Christmas-y pictures and I still can't bring myself to believe that the year is really almost over -- and my 26th birthday is just on the horizon.

I guess the best way to do things is to recap everything memorable from 2015. The good, the bad, the painful, and the enlightening.

The last time I blogged, I was still in the process of finishing prerequisites at community college so I could apply to my school of choice. And although it was difficult, I think I did really well for myself.

• January/February: Took both Anatomy & Physiology over a five-week period at a community college in a poorer area; I was at school by 6AM, napping in my car until 6:45AM and then leaving campus by 8/9PM but it was so totally worth it. This experience also really opened my eyes to how privileged I've been in terms of going to well-funded schools -- this place only had a food truck as a source of consumption on campus. The Burger King across the street had a bullet-proof drawer at the drive-thru window where I placed my money inside and closed it so they could receive it. Yeah. It was that intense. But also, the people on campus were some of the nicest I've ever interacted with and I ended up with getting As in both classes.
• May: Got baptized at church; my parents were able to be there, which was such a huge relief and point of happiness for me. 
• June: Got accepted into my school of choice and finally felt like things were moving forward.
• July/August: Stressed out about my very last prerequisite -- Personnel Management -- but found an available online course from the same community college I took A&P, also had it over a five-week period. Not only did I receive an A, but my professor left me this amazingly sweet and encouraging message: 
• Hi, I truly enjoyed reading your responses. You are going to be a great CEO or President of an organization. Notice I didn't say Manager. I wish you luck on all your endeavors. Thank you for your patience and engagement. My computer crashed in the middle of the session and I lost everything. It worked out.!! Again. Have a great Fall Semester.
• September: Very first quarter of my two-year stint at school begins and I settle in pretty well to school, even if the atmosphere is one that I really need to adapt to. The classrooms are tiny, the faculty all know me, and the classes are definitely more hands-on with the students -- Dorothy, we are not in public-school-Kansas anymore. Also began working out consistently in the school gym for 3/4 days a week early in the mornings -- body begins to tone out and slim down even without my conscious dictation of what I eat.
• November: Pulled out the first of four wisdom teeth that I hadn't even known had grown out. Due to my obliviousness, three of the wisdom teeth have infected the teeth around them so I will also need 3 root canals and 3 crowns. Woo. The first wisdom tooth pulled out causes trismus and I suffer from it for a week. Barely recover in time to shovel food into my mouth on Thanksgiving.
• December: Secured the first of many straight A records I hope to achieve; pulled out the second wisdom tooth (via shattering it into six pieces and cutting my gums open) -- currently still recovering from trismus (it's been over just a day over a week now). Also managed to get into a summer internship at a prestigious university so a huge weight has been lifted off of my chest. The best friend and I might do a wine-and-painting night for my birthday, but we'll see. 

2015 was definitely a rough year, but it was also pretty triumphant for me. I guess that's why I can recall the events of it so easily, even though all this time seems like a blur. There are definitely finer details that I'm leaving out of this -- mostly because they're negative aspects that shouldn't tarnish what fond memories I have. The important thing is that I learned. I truly learned. I'm not letting laziness destroy my productivity like I have in the past and I'm actively engaging myself in habits that I know will benefit me in the long run.

I look back at all my accomplishments and I realize most of it is academic. My love life is as dead as ever, but I've also realized that I secretly prefer it that way because I'm not ready to focus on anyone else. I still need this time to concentrate on me and work on me and make sure that I'm stable enough before I even think about intimacy with someone else. It's lonely for sure, especially when everyone around me seems to have someone, but I've never met anyone who made me want to try my best to be with them. And that's pretty simple to decipher, isn't it? If I really wanted to date, I would put myself out there. Instead, I think of all the money I'll have to spend, the time and effort that will be demanded of me, and just the anxious feeling of wanting someone to like me as much as I like them. I guess my emotional intelligence will be the last to whip into shape, haha.

I'm just glad that my newly chosen career field seems to suit me well so far. Here's to a week until 2016, six days until my birthday, and the start of another fight to do well. And here's to hoping I'll remember to update this blog more often!

i miss you.

HAHA. The last two times I posted in here, I used the same phrases. "Chugging steadily". I guess I really like that imagery - that I'm not stopping anywhere for obstacles or unexpected hold-ups. Unfortunately, life is never that simple, is it?

It's already the 8th month of this year, and I've been busier than I thought I would be over a summer vacation, but thoroughly enjoying the fact that I've been getting more plugged into church and getting to experience a number of things I didn't think I would for a while. Like going on a legitimate retreat where I sincerely enjoyed myself and tagging along to Disneyland with one of my closest friends + others. I'm blessed. Really, really blessed, and it always astounds me every day that I have people who want to be my friend. Not just any people, but people I look up to and admire for their strength of character, the huge capacity of their hearts, and just the general amazing-ness of who they are.

Life with a smart phone has been so much more convenient, almost too much, and I'm learning how to dial back my enthusiasm. But ah. School starts again this month and then it's crunch time for 16 weeks before my grandma, aunt, and uncle all come to visit in December (yay!!). And then application for my transfer, getting the last few classes out of the way, carefully stitching up my relationship with God once more, not necessarily prioritized in that order.

I'm as unsure as I've ever been. There are times when I think I won't be any good for the career I'm shooting for. But I know that I've become a better and wiser person on the road to trying to accomplish this. And even if it's not a glamorous straight-and-shoot job like I originally wanted to have, this is a lot more meaningful and ultimately, a lot easier on my blunt, I-hate-brown-nosing personality.

light 'em up.

There's really been nothing to report these past few months. Or maybe just too much meshing altogether so that when I sit down like this to try and refocus my thoughts, nothing too important comes up. So, just a few updates:

• Learned how to wash my car by hand so I won't need to go to the car wash and spend $10+ every time, including tip even though they always miss the biggest bird poop spots.
• School starts in a week. For some reason I can't fathom, I'm incredibly nervous. Maybe it's because I need to secure my spot in an Anatomy class, maybe it's because it's the start of a whole new career path. Something I've never seen myself doing until this year -- but it should and needs to be done when I'm young. 
• Began going to church actively again just last Friday. It was a rather impulsive decision, and I ended up going to an all-Korean service instead of the English Ministry I was looking for, but everyone's been warm and welcoming and is around my age. This will be a good opportunity for me to learn - not just language skills, but also the way they seem to approach worship with so much more fervor and passion than I ever could.  Mom says it's not cultural difference, but I sort of disagree.  Most American churches I've been to don't have their pastors screaming out "LORD!" over and over again in their prayers.
• Pacific Rim and Star Trek: Into Darkness were both amazing movies and I am so thankful I watched both of them in theaters. 
• My brother will be coming home for a brief stint, and then heading off to Macedonia in around October.  He'll be gone for two years and I feel like this will be the two years of incredible change -- for the both of us.  It's bittersweet.
• Starting to wash dishes because it's begun to seriously irritate me to see a dirty sink. 
• Tried an online dating at the recommendation of my close friend. Within three days, got cussed out by a Korean American dude for being disrespectful (l-o-l) but I've always hated the clingy type, so no big.  Deleted my profile in a week because I couldn't handle the attention. Some guy was telling me he'd move to Los Angeles for me and cuddle with me to watch movies (listed on my interests) and that was all from just reading my profile. It's definitely not for me.
• Listing things again, for the pleasure of being able to cross them out. However long it might take.
• Decided to stay true to BB Cream instead of spending $$ on brand name foundation. The product doesn't matter so much as the condition of my skin does, anyway.
• Trying to open up to my parents more. This is a big one, an important one. I don't want cultural differences to have any cause for rifts between us.  I need to get over my tendency to cling onto the past hurts I've had to deal with. 
• Still can't recall most memories without cringing into my pillow when I try to sleep.