at wit's end.

It's almost April!

Today I started the third and final quarter of my junior year. The number of classes have decreased, but I will also be going to "work" Fridays every week for my clinicals now. I'm both excited and nervous -- excited because it'll be my first 8 to 5 kind of job that directly links to what I've been studying for, but nervous because I really want to do well and learn as much as I can to measure practical experience up to academic accomplishments.

The profession I want to head into has many different departments and possible job opportunities, and I think I'm really starting to figure out which path I want to take! At least for now, my interest is leaning towards the privacy/security/quality side of things, so it's not as isolated as coding, but not as intensive as actual management either. People have told me I have leadership qualities, but I'm not sure I see them in myself. It'd be really cool if I could honestly go to law school and really up my knowledge about the way our judicial system works but -- who's going to pay for that? Do I even really have the personality to make it through law school? (No.)

Winter quarter was rough. Mostly because I felt myself exhibiting symptoms of depression - always wanting to sleep, failing to see the point in doing anything at all, so utterly detached without a way to bring myself back. I took all of spring break to reflect on why and how I might prevent it from happening again. The reason I came up with was that due to my introverted nature, not having any meaningful relationships/friendships here really made me take a hit in happiness. You see, all my classmates get to go home after classes -- they have families to go back to while I'm here on campus the entire week. The girls in my dorm are generally nice but everyone is so busy with their own programs that no one ever really has the time to hang out and talk, and if they do, they already have friends in their own respective programs that they have more in common with.

It is what it is. I'm still seeing this entire part of my life as a lesson God wants me to learn - so far I've noticed themes of patience, love, grace, mercy and humility. Loneliness is never really something you can get used to; it's just something you have to learn how to cope with, otherwise it might consume you entirely.

I'm still looking forward to a lot of things!

• I've received an email from one of my professors that I'm slated to receive a scholarship or an award in May
• my summer internship/volunteering gig at one of UCLA's hospitals is sure to be a truly eye-opening experience, under someone who commands huge respect in the field; I really want to do my absolute best and am so grateful they've accepted me
• next year when I'm a senior, I'm going to apply for a scholarship to go and do my clinicals in China for two weeks; some people do their clinicals in other states and countries if they have the means to go -- but they'll pay for my plane ticket, room & board, and everything!!
• my brother and his wife might be able to visit in the summer when I'm in Los Angeles!! fhjsadjsaf it's been way too long since I've seen him and I've missed him terribly
• being without a gym when I'm home during the summer means I need to make my own means of getting proper exercise in - there's a rather steep hiking trail I used to hike a lot with my dad and by the time summer comes to an end, I think I'm going to try and run up it entirely..... :);;
• I'm saving up money to go to Universal Studios Hollywood in the latter half of the year because HARRY POTTER. Ughhh, it's going to be great.

twenty four.

pardon me while i write terribly corny and painfully mushy blog entries - i.e. the last two. i've decided that even if i cringe as i write these down, i won't ever get proper writing and expressing practice if i just shut myself down because i'm afraid that "it sounds dumb." that's no way to get better, right?

anyway, getting better at writing is just one of my many goals for 2014 - a few of which I've listed below~

• write more, even if it's not a feel good moment, even if all i'm feeling is rage.
• read more, seriously. maybe check out a library book once every month at least.
• basic list of books i want to read: the night circus, love in the time of cholera, world war z, the hunger games series (maybe?)
• go on at least one date - if you're wondering why this is on there.. i haven't been on a date since sophomore year of high school. (if i can actually get a boyfriend, that would be even better. but i'm not one to set ridiculously high expectations for myself in that department.)
• learn how to cook at least three more dishes.
• remember to jot down all the good things that happen and put it in my "2014 Jar of Good".
• try not to spend so much money on cosmetics and use all the products I have.
• utilize my camera more and take lots of pictures, if only for personal enjoyment.
• speak out rashly less. 
• read the entire Bible at least once. 
• do my best to serve my church community as well as I can - of course, this sounds easy, but when there's a language barrier and cultural differences, I'll have to anticipate a lot more conflict? plus, if i can actually make good friends there, that'd be nice. hopefully serving as part of the Welcoming Committee will help me gain more people skills, learn more about the Korean mindset, and put me in a position to befriend many people.