the shadow of the past.

June 5th. The day personal history was made.

I couldn't stop waking up after 2AM because I was so paranoid my alarm wouldn't go off, but I made it; despite a freeway blockage, I made it super early and despite not studying as hard as I should have, by the grace of God, honestly, I passed my exam. I remember being terrified as I walked out of the room and waited for the woman to give me the print out of my results and... man. I could have keeled over. I could have screamed if it weren't for the other test takers.

Passing this exam has been the focus of my entire life for the past four years. For the past four years, I haven't gone out to make as many friends as I could have, I haven't been able to truly relax with the knowledge that I have nothing looming closer and closer... it's just been a constant in the back of my mind like I have to do this, I have to learn this and remember this and pass this. Because if not, yeah, I could always take it again, but what about the $200+ exam fee that goes down the drain? What about the faith so many people had in me? And my mental state in having to take it again, it'd be completely crushed, haha.

In two days, my brother and sister-in-law will come from Washington DC and stay for almost a week. In three days, I'll be back at school presenting on my practicum at UCLA, having a last senior luncheon with my classmates and my faculty, and then officially moving out that night. Then at dawn on Sunday, I'll be driving back to school to attend my GRADUATION, where my brother and sister-in-law will watch me walk across the stage in stead of my parents -- who can probably watch it later online. Then Sunday night, I'll be eating a celebratory dinner with my entire family. After my brother and sister-in-law leave on Tuesday, I might go on a road trip with my closest friend.

And then on Monday, I work. I have a job. I have a job at the very place I wanted a job!! I didn't have to do an interview or any job searching and I know that I'm one in a freaking million. The timing was perfect; people have had to wait months for a position to open up but on the second week of my practicum, someone ended up leaving and... wow. Again, I really just have to credit God for all of this.

This is everything falling into place perfectly, more perfectly than I could have imagined. This is all my previous stresses dissipating like nothing, leaving only the motivation to work harder and harder. Starting out small, and humble, will only lead me to learning more and fostering that desire to be better because of it.

I am truly blessed. It's amazing how much change purpose can bring into your life.

the love you're given.

Wow. Okay.

I have no idea how time has passed by so quickly when it all seemed to take so long, but I'm finally here now, at the cusp of my final academic stretch, staring into my last finals week here. After that comes three weeks of practicum and then the national examination and graduation and.... "the real world" as everyone is so fond of terming it.

This morning, I had a really intense dream. I was in a small, rural village -- rural as in legitimate thatched huts, homes made out of mud, and dirt paths. Up ahead on the path I was walking on, past a large truck, I saw a tiger hesitantly making its way out of its cage -- whether tempted by people or just because it was escaping, I don't remember. So obviously rattled and scared, I stopped and began to back away, only to realize that there was a lioness that had been watching me from behind the large truck. Holy crap, haha. I just remember the surge of stress and walking away quickly (for some reason, there was a domestic black cat that was following me) in hopes of evading it, but it kept stalking me. Eventually, I had to ask one of the homes to open their door to me, and let me inside. The cat barely made it inside after me but it did. I remember thinking even in my dream that the door, the hut, was way too thin and feeble to stand up to a huge lioness' paws.

The dream began to get fuzzy at this point but the lioness sat outside the hut and yowled or something - which one of the people who let me in translated. Apparently she could smell how different I was and how tasty I would be. That was why, despite there being a bunch of other prey, she kept following me.

When I first woke up, I thought the lioness represented finals and the continuous feeling of impending doom and constant anxiety I feel at the thought of so many responsibilities and life-changing events up ahead. This wouldn't be the first time I have... strangely visceral dreams during moments of stress, haha.

But after thinking about it a little more, I think it represents a deeper, darker fear that I've been having as my graduation date draws nearer.

Anyone can talk a big talk about changing the world and having drive to make a difference. For as long as I could remember though, all I had was that talk. In school, during my practicums, in scholarship letters, all that, I stated how much I wanted to make a difference and I do. Achingly so, especially in the face of what appears to be Trump's healthcare plan further crippling our beast of a healthcare system.

However, once I receive my diploma and step out onto the world as someone who's ready to work, I'll have to back up all that talk. And it's not that I don't want to, it's that I'm afraid I won't live up to my own expectations, haha. I'm.. being a coward, essentially, because being great always comes with an amount of sacrifices and hardships. And I've never truly thought about myself as someone who would be able to do great things.

I think that lioness represents what I could be? Or hopefully, what I'm meant to be. I just need to stop running away from it and stop making excuses for myself. At this point, I'm the only one holding myself back.

can't go home alone again.

My 27th birthday is in less than 2 days. 

Every time I think about how I'm still here, alive, occupying space on this planet we all abuse, I am equal parts grateful and tired. I stumbled on a subreddit a few days ago, one about crime scenes, and of course my morbid curiosity got the better of me, haha. What got me the most wasn't the gore. (Although I can't say I'm fully de-sensitized to it yet.) What got me the most were the pictures of young girls who were victims of rape and then subsequently murdered; the absolute worst were the ones that showed "before and after" pictures. Before their murder, when they were happy and smiling and all prettily done up in their professional clothes and then... after their murder, with their shirts often pulled up to their armpits, throats slashed so violently that their necks were left at an odd angle, bodies left in awful positions that merely suggested how their very last moments were suffered with complete indignity and terror. 

People do that. Men, do that. 

Perhaps it's misguided of me to think that natural disasters aren't as bad, despite the number count differences. Whatever you believe, it's impossible not to acknowledge that nature is a brutal force, that it takes what it wants and the best thing we can do is to learn from our past disasters and prepare for the next one. I do not deny that disasters are terrifying, and worth considering. But when an earthquake strikes or a forest fire greedily burns its way through dry vegetation, those aren't events that are malicious on purpose. I know I have never been trapped in a burning building, nor have I faced the devastating effects of a hurricane -- and I pray I never will. I just think my terror would be so much more acute, and my regret immense, when facing a man who would know he could get away with forcing himself on me, who would cut deep into my tendons and arteries and never once think about the life I tried to lead or the miraculous happenings that kept me alive until he came along. 

So yeah, lately that's what I've been thinking about, haha. I'm never going to let myself go back to that subreddit again because it's clearly bad for my mentality.

Anyway. I'm not really looking forward to 2017 either, haha. It's hard to, with the state of the country as it is right now, but I'm still excited for the bright spots:

• Going back to UCLA for my practicum for ~3 weeks! That means going to UCLA as if I'm working there full-time, haha. There's definitely going to be so much to learn and I'm excited to take it all in.
• Taking my national certification exam; started studying it a bit but I definitely have to amp it up this year so that I can take it with peace of mind around May/June.
• Graduation!! Seriously, this cannot come fast enough. I wasn't going to go to the ceremony because my parents can't make it but my brother and sister in law are coming to California and have offered to come. ;~; I'm so spoiled, haha.
• I got a Universal Studios annual pass (good until September) so I should go as much as I can! It's so close to where I live, I don't even have to take a freeway, haha. Other than the parking prices before 5pm ($20 -_-), it's p e r f e c t.
• Working (fingers crossed!!!) - so graduating means that I get to look for a jOB!! And hopefully with that job comes benefits and a solid starting position paycheck and that in turn means that my mom will hopefully retire from her day job and be able to focus on her pastor's wife duties and doing what she wants to do at home!! And then maybe if I do really well, I can even have my dad retire and take care of my parents!!!!!!!!!!! Such an exciting idea hahaha, no matter how many times I think about it!!!
• Retiring my baby car and getting my mom's to use while she gets a new car. :D I love my car so much but she's getting so tired and old. ;~; Plus she had to drive through all my years of getting adjusted behind the wheel so that probably took a lot out of her. -_-

Every new year, I think to myself: this might be the year I die. I think about death so much I'm not sure if I'm afraid of it or looking forward to it. I definitely don't want to kick it just yet - still got so many things to do - but I'm for sure afraid that one day I will find myself standing before God and He'll tell me that I have lived out my uses. That's like the scariest thing that could ever happen.

nothing lasts forever.

Has it really been over a year since I've written anything here? Then again, my Instagram feed is bombarded with Christmas-y pictures and I still can't bring myself to believe that the year is really almost over -- and my 26th birthday is just on the horizon.

I guess the best way to do things is to recap everything memorable from 2015. The good, the bad, the painful, and the enlightening.

The last time I blogged, I was still in the process of finishing prerequisites at community college so I could apply to my school of choice. And although it was difficult, I think I did really well for myself.

• January/February: Took both Anatomy & Physiology over a five-week period at a community college in a poorer area; I was at school by 6AM, napping in my car until 6:45AM and then leaving campus by 8/9PM but it was so totally worth it. This experience also really opened my eyes to how privileged I've been in terms of going to well-funded schools -- this place only had a food truck as a source of consumption on campus. The Burger King across the street had a bullet-proof drawer at the drive-thru window where I placed my money inside and closed it so they could receive it. Yeah. It was that intense. But also, the people on campus were some of the nicest I've ever interacted with and I ended up with getting As in both classes.
• May: Got baptized at church; my parents were able to be there, which was such a huge relief and point of happiness for me. 
• June: Got accepted into my school of choice and finally felt like things were moving forward.
• July/August: Stressed out about my very last prerequisite -- Personnel Management -- but found an available online course from the same community college I took A&P, also had it over a five-week period. Not only did I receive an A, but my professor left me this amazingly sweet and encouraging message: 
• Hi, I truly enjoyed reading your responses. You are going to be a great CEO or President of an organization. Notice I didn't say Manager. I wish you luck on all your endeavors. Thank you for your patience and engagement. My computer crashed in the middle of the session and I lost everything. It worked out.!! Again. Have a great Fall Semester.
• September: Very first quarter of my two-year stint at school begins and I settle in pretty well to school, even if the atmosphere is one that I really need to adapt to. The classrooms are tiny, the faculty all know me, and the classes are definitely more hands-on with the students -- Dorothy, we are not in public-school-Kansas anymore. Also began working out consistently in the school gym for 3/4 days a week early in the mornings -- body begins to tone out and slim down even without my conscious dictation of what I eat.
• November: Pulled out the first of four wisdom teeth that I hadn't even known had grown out. Due to my obliviousness, three of the wisdom teeth have infected the teeth around them so I will also need 3 root canals and 3 crowns. Woo. The first wisdom tooth pulled out causes trismus and I suffer from it for a week. Barely recover in time to shovel food into my mouth on Thanksgiving.
• December: Secured the first of many straight A records I hope to achieve; pulled out the second wisdom tooth (via shattering it into six pieces and cutting my gums open) -- currently still recovering from trismus (it's been over just a day over a week now). Also managed to get into a summer internship at a prestigious university so a huge weight has been lifted off of my chest. The best friend and I might do a wine-and-painting night for my birthday, but we'll see. 

2015 was definitely a rough year, but it was also pretty triumphant for me. I guess that's why I can recall the events of it so easily, even though all this time seems like a blur. There are definitely finer details that I'm leaving out of this -- mostly because they're negative aspects that shouldn't tarnish what fond memories I have. The important thing is that I learned. I truly learned. I'm not letting laziness destroy my productivity like I have in the past and I'm actively engaging myself in habits that I know will benefit me in the long run.

I look back at all my accomplishments and I realize most of it is academic. My love life is as dead as ever, but I've also realized that I secretly prefer it that way because I'm not ready to focus on anyone else. I still need this time to concentrate on me and work on me and make sure that I'm stable enough before I even think about intimacy with someone else. It's lonely for sure, especially when everyone around me seems to have someone, but I've never met anyone who made me want to try my best to be with them. And that's pretty simple to decipher, isn't it? If I really wanted to date, I would put myself out there. Instead, I think of all the money I'll have to spend, the time and effort that will be demanded of me, and just the anxious feeling of wanting someone to like me as much as I like them. I guess my emotional intelligence will be the last to whip into shape, haha.

I'm just glad that my newly chosen career field seems to suit me well so far. Here's to a week until 2016, six days until my birthday, and the start of another fight to do well. And here's to hoping I'll remember to update this blog more often!

y control.

So this year... wow. This year is ending on a really great note.  Not only did I receive the best gifts, but I think being wholly accepted into a community has given me more purpose than before, especially since that community is a church setting.  It's the first time I've really felt like I would be missed, I suppose?

Someone actually bought me a cake! A super expensive-looking one from Tous Le Jours (not a cheap bakery, I can tell that much) and it just happened to be a coincidence that I gave her a present that morning to show my appreciation towards her.  She's done a lot to help me feel like I fit in and now that I've been asked to join the team she works in, I'm determined to do well so that other people will feel as welcomed and remembered as I did.

I admittedly haven't accomplished nearly as much as I thought I would when I was younger. By the time I was twenty-four, I was supposed to have a stable career. But it's not such a bad thing to be still on my way, I think.  There are still many aspects of myself that I'd like to change and I'm just thankful that I wasn't so fixated on the entertainment industry until it was too late.  All things considered, I'm happy and even though I can't quite see where I'm going, I have faith that God will guide me.

2014, I strive to read the entire Bible. Truly.  How can I know where He wants me to go if I don't even have the guidebook He's given us, right? Ah. I just... I hope I can do well. I hope I can remember to keep my head up even if times get really tough.

I'll be significantly busier, I think. But busy is better than having nothing to do at all. :)

twenty four.

pardon me while i write terribly corny and painfully mushy blog entries - i.e. the last two. i've decided that even if i cringe as i write these down, i won't ever get proper writing and expressing practice if i just shut myself down because i'm afraid that "it sounds dumb." that's no way to get better, right?

anyway, getting better at writing is just one of my many goals for 2014 - a few of which I've listed below~

• write more, even if it's not a feel good moment, even if all i'm feeling is rage.
• read more, seriously. maybe check out a library book once every month at least.
• basic list of books i want to read: the night circus, love in the time of cholera, world war z, the hunger games series (maybe?)
• go on at least one date - if you're wondering why this is on there.. i haven't been on a date since sophomore year of high school. (if i can actually get a boyfriend, that would be even better. but i'm not one to set ridiculously high expectations for myself in that department.)
• learn how to cook at least three more dishes.
• remember to jot down all the good things that happen and put it in my "2014 Jar of Good".
• try not to spend so much money on cosmetics and use all the products I have.
• utilize my camera more and take lots of pictures, if only for personal enjoyment.
• speak out rashly less. 
• read the entire Bible at least once. 
• do my best to serve my church community as well as I can - of course, this sounds easy, but when there's a language barrier and cultural differences, I'll have to anticipate a lot more conflict? plus, if i can actually make good friends there, that'd be nice. hopefully serving as part of the Welcoming Committee will help me gain more people skills, learn more about the Korean mindset, and put me in a position to befriend many people.

apocalypse now.

Wow, I can't believe it's almost been a month since I've updated this blog and I've left on such a bad note.  Other than finals sucking out my brains for the past few weeks, life has been fairly uneventful.  I finished this Thursday and can't be happier with 2/3 grades for my classes - the last grade has yet to be revealed.

Christmas is already upon us, and soon it'll be my birthday and then right after... the new year. I've decided that I want to buy a mason jar from an art store and fill it up with pieces of paper, small pieces that just have the good small events written down on them so at the end of next year, I can re-read them all and reflect on how God has blessed me with all the important small things.  2013 was hard, but definitely life-changing, and I'll always remember it as the year that I realized what I should pursue career-wise.  The year I woke up from my foolish dreams and took on reality more head on.

And next year, good things already await! I'll start serving at my church as part of the Welcoming Team, I'll be heading to Korea to attend my brother's wedding, and if God wills it, I'll be applying to the schools I really want to go to.  So far, I'm off to a good start, but I really have to buckle down and do well for the rest of the time I'm here at PCC - I have to beat all the odds in the classes I haven't done well in.

I ... yeah. I'm just really excited, I guess. I even got myself a gorgeous new red lipstick and lip liner to make use of my oddly shaped lips - who knew my cupid's bow was so pronounced?! - so hopefully I'll only be prettier appearance-wise from here on out.  I'm turning twenty-four and they say women blossom at twenty-five and then gradually start losing their shine.  I'm determined to beat the odds.