twenty four.

pardon me while i write terribly corny and painfully mushy blog entries - i.e. the last two. i've decided that even if i cringe as i write these down, i won't ever get proper writing and expressing practice if i just shut myself down because i'm afraid that "it sounds dumb." that's no way to get better, right?

anyway, getting better at writing is just one of my many goals for 2014 - a few of which I've listed below~

• write more, even if it's not a feel good moment, even if all i'm feeling is rage.
• read more, seriously. maybe check out a library book once every month at least.
• basic list of books i want to read: the night circus, love in the time of cholera, world war z, the hunger games series (maybe?)
• go on at least one date - if you're wondering why this is on there.. i haven't been on a date since sophomore year of high school. (if i can actually get a boyfriend, that would be even better. but i'm not one to set ridiculously high expectations for myself in that department.)
• learn how to cook at least three more dishes.
• remember to jot down all the good things that happen and put it in my "2014 Jar of Good".
• try not to spend so much money on cosmetics and use all the products I have.
• utilize my camera more and take lots of pictures, if only for personal enjoyment.
• speak out rashly less. 
• read the entire Bible at least once. 
• do my best to serve my church community as well as I can - of course, this sounds easy, but when there's a language barrier and cultural differences, I'll have to anticipate a lot more conflict? plus, if i can actually make good friends there, that'd be nice. hopefully serving as part of the Welcoming Committee will help me gain more people skills, learn more about the Korean mindset, and put me in a position to befriend many people.

walk on air.

So today, in efforts to cheer myself up because I can feel dark times coming up ahead (if you know what I mean, they drop in monthly), I decided that I need to get out of the house for non-school related reasons and did something I love to do by myself: go grocery shopping.  I don't know when I cultivated this love for wheeling a cart around aisles while perusing all the stocked up products... but I guess maybe it's because I daydream about living on my own (or with a roommate) for so much of my life that it just seems like this will be what my future errands will include?  That's my theory, anyway.

Anyway, here's a list of my purchases (partly so I won't forget to cook them before they go bad):

• wheat bread (the only ones that were left were ones that would expire Oct. 28 - Oct. 31, but I put half in the freezer so they should last me longer, hehe.)
• sliced jalapenos!! (for sandwiches, chips, tacos, ...everything else...)
• tomatillos (seven, to be exact, although I accidentally accounted for six.)
• jasmine rice
• buffalo sauce (i think i'll make myself a healthy version of buffalo chicken sandwich...)
• balsamic vinegar (i love to dip my bread in olive oil & balsamic vinegar with herbs.)
• chicken broth (thanks to my friend, I know how to make various Mexican salsas and Mexican rice, fufufu.)
• tiny tortillas (enough said.)

And then there were totally two unrelated purchases when I ran across the parking lot to the CVS to buy a lip balm and bronzer. Using the lip balm right now and it's actually really hydrating. I can understand why there were only two left ... maybe I should have gotten the other one to leave inside my purse ... Darn, haha.

But all in all, it was a really productive store visit and it definitely helped me regain a sense of contentment so I can stop moping about school and cramps and start meeting these obstacles head-on.

And now to change the topic completely, haha.

I talked to Siri for the first time.

Since I've been regularly going out to a Korean church, the topic of relationships has floated up a lot more often.  Usually, it'd just be my mother gently (hopefully) inquiring about my nonexistent dating life, only to look mildly disappointed but not surprised at my answer.  I feel like an integral part of Korean culture is the community, and within that, the almost-need to date.  I'm not saying that Korean people are more desperate to be in a relationship, but every Korean community I've stepped foot in seem to be immersed with couples.  Even at this church, there are a lot of couples.  When I was in Korea, couples were everywhere - sometimes very glaringly obvious with their couple outfits.  Dating is important to them.

And as a twenty-three-year-old who'll turn twenty four this year... I should start thinking about dating, too.  But the thing is, I still don't think I'm ready.  I firmly believe God will lead me to the person He knows best fits me, but I also believe the reason that He hasn't yet is because He knows that I'm not ready, either.  I think you should really... at least try, to love yourself, before you think about getting into a serious relationship with someone else.  And I'm not quite there yet.

The last thing I'd ever want is to be a crutch for someone, or need someone as a crutch.  I don't want my life to revolve around the person I'm with - I don't want all of my happiness to come from being with him.  I want to keep my own life and my own identity and my own small happinesses but feel comfortable enough to share them with this other person.  And I don't know if I'm ready to share at all, another reason why I don't think I'm ready.  (Not to mention the tiny fact that my interest in someone always dies out really easily.  Whether I stamp it out subconsciously or willfully, the flame disappears.)

So really, I don't know. Maybe I need to get out more and meet all kinds of different people to really open my eyes to what kind of person might best match me.  Maybe he's already in the peripheral of my life.  Maybe I'm destined to be single until I die - and I'd be okay with that too, I think.  Maybe.  Once my friends all get married and have families of their own, I might start thinking differently.

Whatever the case, I'm grateful that I have people praying for me.  It's always a comforting buoy that I cling to whenever I'm pushed out into the rough turbulence that comes from my feelings.