can't go home alone again.

My 27th birthday is in less than 2 days. 

Every time I think about how I'm still here, alive, occupying space on this planet we all abuse, I am equal parts grateful and tired. I stumbled on a subreddit a few days ago, one about crime scenes, and of course my morbid curiosity got the better of me, haha. What got me the most wasn't the gore. (Although I can't say I'm fully de-sensitized to it yet.) What got me the most were the pictures of young girls who were victims of rape and then subsequently murdered; the absolute worst were the ones that showed "before and after" pictures. Before their murder, when they were happy and smiling and all prettily done up in their professional clothes and then... after their murder, with their shirts often pulled up to their armpits, throats slashed so violently that their necks were left at an odd angle, bodies left in awful positions that merely suggested how their very last moments were suffered with complete indignity and terror. 

People do that. Men, do that. 

Perhaps it's misguided of me to think that natural disasters aren't as bad, despite the number count differences. Whatever you believe, it's impossible not to acknowledge that nature is a brutal force, that it takes what it wants and the best thing we can do is to learn from our past disasters and prepare for the next one. I do not deny that disasters are terrifying, and worth considering. But when an earthquake strikes or a forest fire greedily burns its way through dry vegetation, those aren't events that are malicious on purpose. I know I have never been trapped in a burning building, nor have I faced the devastating effects of a hurricane -- and I pray I never will. I just think my terror would be so much more acute, and my regret immense, when facing a man who would know he could get away with forcing himself on me, who would cut deep into my tendons and arteries and never once think about the life I tried to lead or the miraculous happenings that kept me alive until he came along. 

So yeah, lately that's what I've been thinking about, haha. I'm never going to let myself go back to that subreddit again because it's clearly bad for my mentality.

Anyway. I'm not really looking forward to 2017 either, haha. It's hard to, with the state of the country as it is right now, but I'm still excited for the bright spots:

• Going back to UCLA for my practicum for ~3 weeks! That means going to UCLA as if I'm working there full-time, haha. There's definitely going to be so much to learn and I'm excited to take it all in.
• Taking my national certification exam; started studying it a bit but I definitely have to amp it up this year so that I can take it with peace of mind around May/June.
• Graduation!! Seriously, this cannot come fast enough. I wasn't going to go to the ceremony because my parents can't make it but my brother and sister in law are coming to California and have offered to come. ;~; I'm so spoiled, haha.
• I got a Universal Studios annual pass (good until September) so I should go as much as I can! It's so close to where I live, I don't even have to take a freeway, haha. Other than the parking prices before 5pm ($20 -_-), it's p e r f e c t.
• Working (fingers crossed!!!) - so graduating means that I get to look for a jOB!! And hopefully with that job comes benefits and a solid starting position paycheck and that in turn means that my mom will hopefully retire from her day job and be able to focus on her pastor's wife duties and doing what she wants to do at home!! And then maybe if I do really well, I can even have my dad retire and take care of my parents!!!!!!!!!!! Such an exciting idea hahaha, no matter how many times I think about it!!!
• Retiring my baby car and getting my mom's to use while she gets a new car. :D I love my car so much but she's getting so tired and old. ;~; Plus she had to drive through all my years of getting adjusted behind the wheel so that probably took a lot out of her. -_-

Every new year, I think to myself: this might be the year I die. I think about death so much I'm not sure if I'm afraid of it or looking forward to it. I definitely don't want to kick it just yet - still got so many things to do - but I'm for sure afraid that one day I will find myself standing before God and He'll tell me that I have lived out my uses. That's like the scariest thing that could ever happen.

i'm a cool girl.

2016. Won't be sorry to see you go, even if 2017 is shaping up to be a horrible year politics-wise.

On the bright side, my brother and sister-in-law will be able to come to my graduation ceremony. I hope I can show them all that I "love" about my school, hah. Excited for them to meet my classmates, too.

Turning twenty seven means I have three years to meet someone, date, and get married by my mother's timeline. Maybe even have a baby by the time I'm thirty. That's a seriously terrifying thought. My father keeps telling me I need to pray for my future husband, but where can I even begin when I'm not sure if I want to get married? Why would I want to subject someone to my grim personality for the rest of his life, haha. No one deserves that, especially not anyone I love.

These days, I'm finding that I'm fantasizing a lot more because I hate the reality I'm stuck in. And it's not even a bad reality!? I don't know how to combat being so spoiled, haha, but I hope I can change my mindset soon. I've realized that superficial Los Angeles culture is penetrating my life a lot more than I thought it would. It's all over my social media, at the very least, with people in my age group going to Christmas parties and spending money at stores I could barely afford a shirt in -- the pride in me says that should be me. And the same pride also says that should never be what I strive for.

But seriously. As soon as I get a job, I'll be spending the half that doesn't go to student loans on my parents. My mom needs to retire. My dad, too, even if his situation is a little stickier. They've both lost so much weight because their responsibilities keep them running around from early morning to night and it terrifies me to think of a future where they won't be around. They've already started making payments to a cemetery for a plot of land where they can be buried on top of each other and I just.. fuck, haha.

I've spent the past four years in a limbo of sorts, going to school instead of working like everyone else was able to do. Next year in June if all goes well, I'll be graduating and I'll be looking for work, too. No more days off or vacation times without repercussion. I know everyone says school is the best time but I'm so sick of being a black hole in terms of financial status. I just want to be someone my parents can depend on. And then maybe from there, I can be someone other people can depend on more, too.

at wit's end.

It's almost April!

Today I started the third and final quarter of my junior year. The number of classes have decreased, but I will also be going to "work" Fridays every week for my clinicals now. I'm both excited and nervous -- excited because it'll be my first 8 to 5 kind of job that directly links to what I've been studying for, but nervous because I really want to do well and learn as much as I can to measure practical experience up to academic accomplishments.

The profession I want to head into has many different departments and possible job opportunities, and I think I'm really starting to figure out which path I want to take! At least for now, my interest is leaning towards the privacy/security/quality side of things, so it's not as isolated as coding, but not as intensive as actual management either. People have told me I have leadership qualities, but I'm not sure I see them in myself. It'd be really cool if I could honestly go to law school and really up my knowledge about the way our judicial system works but -- who's going to pay for that? Do I even really have the personality to make it through law school? (No.)

Winter quarter was rough. Mostly because I felt myself exhibiting symptoms of depression - always wanting to sleep, failing to see the point in doing anything at all, so utterly detached without a way to bring myself back. I took all of spring break to reflect on why and how I might prevent it from happening again. The reason I came up with was that due to my introverted nature, not having any meaningful relationships/friendships here really made me take a hit in happiness. You see, all my classmates get to go home after classes -- they have families to go back to while I'm here on campus the entire week. The girls in my dorm are generally nice but everyone is so busy with their own programs that no one ever really has the time to hang out and talk, and if they do, they already have friends in their own respective programs that they have more in common with.

It is what it is. I'm still seeing this entire part of my life as a lesson God wants me to learn - so far I've noticed themes of patience, love, grace, mercy and humility. Loneliness is never really something you can get used to; it's just something you have to learn how to cope with, otherwise it might consume you entirely.

I'm still looking forward to a lot of things!

• I've received an email from one of my professors that I'm slated to receive a scholarship or an award in May
• my summer internship/volunteering gig at one of UCLA's hospitals is sure to be a truly eye-opening experience, under someone who commands huge respect in the field; I really want to do my absolute best and am so grateful they've accepted me
• next year when I'm a senior, I'm going to apply for a scholarship to go and do my clinicals in China for two weeks; some people do their clinicals in other states and countries if they have the means to go -- but they'll pay for my plane ticket, room & board, and everything!!
• my brother and his wife might be able to visit in the summer when I'm in Los Angeles!! fhjsadjsaf it's been way too long since I've seen him and I've missed him terribly
• being without a gym when I'm home during the summer means I need to make my own means of getting proper exercise in - there's a rather steep hiking trail I used to hike a lot with my dad and by the time summer comes to an end, I think I'm going to try and run up it entirely..... :);;
• I'm saving up money to go to Universal Studios Hollywood in the latter half of the year because HARRY POTTER. Ughhh, it's going to be great.

i miss you.

HAHA. The last two times I posted in here, I used the same phrases. "Chugging steadily". I guess I really like that imagery - that I'm not stopping anywhere for obstacles or unexpected hold-ups. Unfortunately, life is never that simple, is it?

It's already the 8th month of this year, and I've been busier than I thought I would be over a summer vacation, but thoroughly enjoying the fact that I've been getting more plugged into church and getting to experience a number of things I didn't think I would for a while. Like going on a legitimate retreat where I sincerely enjoyed myself and tagging along to Disneyland with one of my closest friends + others. I'm blessed. Really, really blessed, and it always astounds me every day that I have people who want to be my friend. Not just any people, but people I look up to and admire for their strength of character, the huge capacity of their hearts, and just the general amazing-ness of who they are.

Life with a smart phone has been so much more convenient, almost too much, and I'm learning how to dial back my enthusiasm. But ah. School starts again this month and then it's crunch time for 16 weeks before my grandma, aunt, and uncle all come to visit in December (yay!!). And then application for my transfer, getting the last few classes out of the way, carefully stitching up my relationship with God once more, not necessarily prioritized in that order.

I'm as unsure as I've ever been. There are times when I think I won't be any good for the career I'm shooting for. But I know that I've become a better and wiser person on the road to trying to accomplish this. And even if it's not a glamorous straight-and-shoot job like I originally wanted to have, this is a lot more meaningful and ultimately, a lot easier on my blunt, I-hate-brown-nosing personality.

carried away.

Wow. Wow, wow, wow. It's been another two months since I've updated - seriously?! - and sadly, I don't have much to report.

I finished another semester at PCC with straight As and am steadily chugging towards achieving my dream of transferring to the one school in California that offers the program I need. In about three weeks, I'm going to be flying to Korea with my parents for my brother's (!!!) wedding.

While I'm there, I plan to take pictures and record videos of everything I can. The last time I was in Korea, I didn't appreciate the culture or the significance of being able to step outside of American soil and I don't plan to make the same mistake the second time around. It might be the most straight-laced trip ever, or it might be life-changing. We'll have to see, won't we?

It's already near the halfway mark of 2014 and man, I haven't been able to keep up with my goals as much as I'd like. I don't know what I feel most of the time, don't know what I want, and that's always bothered me. I'm mature enough to acknowledge that what I really want (an acting career) would be detrimental in all other aspects of my life. So where does that lead me? Where do my talents lead me? What classifies itself as my talent?

Sometimes I think I specialize in avoiding things. And sometimes I think I do have symptoms of an anxiety disorder, just completely internalized.

This post is all over the place, but an apt description of my thoughts.

할 수 있는게.

Wow. March 3rd. The last time I blogged in here was last year. Already two full months have passed and we're steadily chugging towards the third. I'm not quite sure why I haven't been itching to write down my days' events, maybe because I've been so burnt out, swamped with nasty allergies and just generally feeling down? It's kind of like the low after the high, because even after scoring good grades, I grow impatient and want to be done with school now, and move on to the next part of my life.

I always keep in mind that I'm supposed to move at my own pace but it's not always easy to live by it when others seem to be moving forward so much faster. It makes me ask myself, "When do I get to do that?" but in the end, I have to remember that it's just my envy talking and being unfair. I am not like anyone else. I am me. And I can't be cruel to myself in terms of how I am. I have improved, so much, and I can't forget the little details that have shown true maturity--even though I am always a long, long way from where I want to be.

Recently, I made a huge mistake. A mistake of extreme impatience, one that I thought I was past. But for seven days, I was under severe stress because of it, waiting for the outcome. I entertained thoughts that I was just a burden to my parents, to my family. Even though I know for a fact that they would find these ideas to be ridiculous to the point of offensive, it's these kind of dark thoughts that I've had to battle my entire life. I'm just always so sorry for existing, for not being proactive and knowing what I want and being a go-getter. It's hard, hah. Especially when it's your own thoughts you have to battle, because no matter what, you can justify both sides.

And you don't really want to tell these kinds of things to anyone else because you'd be burdening them, too. I've always felt that my friends love me so much more than I deserve, that the fact that they accept me and want to be around me must mean that I can't be that bad. Because I have wonderful, intelligent, generous, mature, considerate friends who are going places while I'm just--hey, here, existing.

It's hard. I'm twenty-four and it's still hard.