walk on air.

So today, in efforts to cheer myself up because I can feel dark times coming up ahead (if you know what I mean, they drop in monthly), I decided that I need to get out of the house for non-school related reasons and did something I love to do by myself: go grocery shopping.  I don't know when I cultivated this love for wheeling a cart around aisles while perusing all the stocked up products... but I guess maybe it's because I daydream about living on my own (or with a roommate) for so much of my life that it just seems like this will be what my future errands will include?  That's my theory, anyway.

Anyway, here's a list of my purchases (partly so I won't forget to cook them before they go bad):

• wheat bread (the only ones that were left were ones that would expire Oct. 28 - Oct. 31, but I put half in the freezer so they should last me longer, hehe.)
• sliced jalapenos!! (for sandwiches, chips, tacos, ...everything else...)
• tomatillos (seven, to be exact, although I accidentally accounted for six.)
• jasmine rice
• buffalo sauce (i think i'll make myself a healthy version of buffalo chicken sandwich...)
• balsamic vinegar (i love to dip my bread in olive oil & balsamic vinegar with herbs.)
• chicken broth (thanks to my friend, I know how to make various Mexican salsas and Mexican rice, fufufu.)
• tiny tortillas (enough said.)

And then there were totally two unrelated purchases when I ran across the parking lot to the CVS to buy a lip balm and bronzer. Using the lip balm right now and it's actually really hydrating. I can understand why there were only two left ... maybe I should have gotten the other one to leave inside my purse ... Darn, haha.

But all in all, it was a really productive store visit and it definitely helped me regain a sense of contentment so I can stop moping about school and cramps and start meeting these obstacles head-on.

And now to change the topic completely, haha.

I talked to Siri for the first time.

Since I've been regularly going out to a Korean church, the topic of relationships has floated up a lot more often.  Usually, it'd just be my mother gently (hopefully) inquiring about my nonexistent dating life, only to look mildly disappointed but not surprised at my answer.  I feel like an integral part of Korean culture is the community, and within that, the almost-need to date.  I'm not saying that Korean people are more desperate to be in a relationship, but every Korean community I've stepped foot in seem to be immersed with couples.  Even at this church, there are a lot of couples.  When I was in Korea, couples were everywhere - sometimes very glaringly obvious with their couple outfits.  Dating is important to them.

And as a twenty-three-year-old who'll turn twenty four this year... I should start thinking about dating, too.  But the thing is, I still don't think I'm ready.  I firmly believe God will lead me to the person He knows best fits me, but I also believe the reason that He hasn't yet is because He knows that I'm not ready, either.  I think you should really... at least try, to love yourself, before you think about getting into a serious relationship with someone else.  And I'm not quite there yet.

The last thing I'd ever want is to be a crutch for someone, or need someone as a crutch.  I don't want my life to revolve around the person I'm with - I don't want all of my happiness to come from being with him.  I want to keep my own life and my own identity and my own small happinesses but feel comfortable enough to share them with this other person.  And I don't know if I'm ready to share at all, another reason why I don't think I'm ready.  (Not to mention the tiny fact that my interest in someone always dies out really easily.  Whether I stamp it out subconsciously or willfully, the flame disappears.)

So really, I don't know. Maybe I need to get out more and meet all kinds of different people to really open my eyes to what kind of person might best match me.  Maybe he's already in the peripheral of my life.  Maybe I'm destined to be single until I die - and I'd be okay with that too, I think.  Maybe.  Once my friends all get married and have families of their own, I might start thinking differently.

Whatever the case, I'm grateful that I have people praying for me.  It's always a comforting buoy that I cling to whenever I'm pushed out into the rough turbulence that comes from my feelings.

double whip frappe.

Sometimes I think I want to be completely done with learning something new every day, stumbling on epiphanies and giving my personality a slow burning makeover because it's something I realize that needs to be done.  I stress too much but I say nothing.  I say I love God, but I'm still ashamed to come before Him and pray about things because He's so good and great and I am not worthy.  In doing that though, I doubt Him and put my pride above my faith ...

My low self-esteem has always been something of a crippling factor in my life.  And still is.  I have yet to totally banish the lingering hesitation that occurs before and after everything I do, especially in public.  I'm painfully self-conscious although I do well to hide it because I'm so easygoing.  It's not that I'm afraid people won't like me. I'm afraid they'll misunderstand me - because that's something I hate most.

So yeah, sometimes I wish I was done developing and I had everything figured out and I could cruise through life without burdening myself with stupid little things that I won't remember clearly a year from now.

I'm not very good at expressing my affection or love to my parents or brother.  Maybe because I know they've seen me at my very worst and have accepted me and loved me even then.  It sucks because I always think about them a lot and want to do well for them above myself, but they don't know that.  Part of the reason is definitely the generational and huge cultural gap between us, but it's also my insecurities coming into play.  Just like with God, I can't.  Maybe it's because I love them so much that I can't bring myself to really show... it.  But doesn't that seem like a paradox?  Am I tsundere? Haha.

The good news is, I really am speaking to my parents more... and asking them for advice and opening up to them. I just can't shake off the feeling that I seriously fail expectations.  They're such amazing people and my brother prayed for me to be born but here I am and I'm twenty three and still not really ... doing much.

Then again, patience is something I really need to learn.

sun will set.

Yesterday, it rained periodically all day.

Yesterday, this was all I listened to.

There's something about finding a poem or a story or even just someone's account of a feeling that I haven't been able to place or verbalize before.  And if you find a piece of music that seems to sing with whatever tune your heart is playing at the moment - whether it be joyous or melancholy or just overwhelming without a name - it's the most amazing feeling.  At that moment, it's like you're allowed to fully absorb yourself in what you feel and not what you're supposed to think.

Maybe that's why I love the rain and gloomy weather so much. The day kind of just slows down for me and I'm subconsciously encouraged to explore my feelings and whatever confusion I may be facing in terms of emotions.  I've never been good at expounding on my softer side, just doing enough to acknowledge it before I pack it away and shove it aside so I don't come out looking vulnerable to other people.  Rain captures the luggage I hide, and beckons me to open the things I've tossed inside messily.  Without structure, without any organization.  Just all the insecurities and bittersweet heaviness of knowing that because I am alive, I suffer.  But it's not always painful suffering. Just the slow burning ache of trying to make it past another day.

And yesterday, with the help of this beautiful art, I was able to confront my thoughts about love, in the romantic sense.  Something that still terrifies me even in its basic conceptual form.


"For Women Who Are Difficult to Love"
- written and performed by Warsan Shire

"You are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head

and you tried to change didn’t you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love."

It's kind of scary how accurate this piece is when it comes to how my experiences have been with the opposite sex.  Granted, I've never been the standard of comparison when it comes to exes and future girlfriends, but the raw honest tone hits me hard.  And the second verse is so comforting, so soothing, so simplistic in its gentle reminder that I am not unloved because I am not worthy.   Because that is one of my biggest fears. If I can't love myself, then how will anyone else ever love me?

get back home.

It's the first day after my regimen has ended and I feel good. I ate roasted sweet potato, a hardboiled egg, and some green peas for breakfast, got a work out in, came to school a few hours early and got my CIS homework done two hours before my Spanish class. Contrary to what I feared, I'm not scrambling to get to the nearest fast food restaurant (of which there are many around campus) and I'm actually contemplating the healthiest options I have. (But I might give in and try a new drink because I need a pick-me-upper.)

I heard a really great sermon two nights ago, when my church held an event. The pastor started out the sermon with, what you're doing now, you will be doing ten years from now.  Force of habit, dispassionate living, all of that. And at first I didn't get it, or I thought he was wrong, but as he continued to speak, I understood what he meant.  I get now why my parents wanted me to come to this pastor's church.

Every new day is an opportunity for change. And even if I'm still haunted by my mistakes, it doesn't mean that I haven't changed for the better.  For instance, a few years ago, just getting behind the wheel to drive made my hands clammy, my legs numb, and my heart rate speed up.  Just the thought of driving a car terrified me.  Now, I don't care if it's rush hour time or not - now, driving even soothes me when there's no traffic, just the long stretch of an empty freeway ahead of me.  I grew more careful with my driving (I don't touch 90mph now) but I don't let the idea cripple me either.

My mistakes then don't reflect who I am now, and what I have to offer.  Later, when I get the chance, I think I'd like to try and write down a list of characteristics I would like to try and tackle, one day at a time. And among one of those traits is the definite tendency to blame myself for what I've done, allowing myself to get stuck in the past.

down this river.

I had a heart to heart talk with my father this morning.  Or well, more like he was giving me advice and I was sitting there, listening quietly.  When it comes to my parents, I somehow can't bring myself to open up as easily.  It probably has a lot to do with the language barrier, mixed with my initial instinct to just... not talk.  It's gotten bad as I've gotten older, and it's one of the qualities about myself that I need to fix.

With my dad's help, I've realized that I take a lot of things personally and it's been accumulating more stress than I need to have.  I'm turning 24 in about three months and I feel like I haven't changed enough to show for it.  I thought I would have made a steady career for myself by now, maybe a boyfriend to show the parents that I wasn't going to end up a 30-year-old bride.  But as we all know, nothing in life ever turns out the way we expect, or even want to sometimes.

I'm twenty three and I'm starting my first year at a community college (which I may have to stay at longer given the information I received this morning).  Which means I'll have a shot at starting an actual career in what -- maybe two or three years? When I'm 25/26 - God forbid, 27? And I've always told myself it's okay to go at a different pace than others but when put to practice, it's actually really hard to remember this tidbit of advice.  Perhaps it's because instead of feeling like I'm moving forward, I actually feel like I'm reversing -- slipping backwards to pay for all the time I wasted in university.

There is no way I'm going to give up.  If anything, the difficulties that have surfaced make me want to work harder and make this happen so that I can reach the end of the road (the entrance to another rocky road) and prove to myself that I can do this.

Life is hard.  There are some really mean people out there.  This is common knowledge that I have learned since I was a kid. But I don't have to be discouraged. I don't have to hate those mean people. There may be way more setbacks than I was anticipating -- there usually are.  It might take me longer than I wanted to get me into the workforce.  That's okay.  I'm not just learning education.  I firmly believe that God takes me through experiences to help me learn to cope, to force me to confront myself and really dig out the issues that have been wormed into my heart since I was a kid.

In perspective, I'm still young. And if I die while still young, then at least I will have learned something.  I mean, I'd like to think I've changed so much from high school to UCSD, and then from UCSD until now.  And there's a lot more ground to cover, but little progress is better than none at all.  Just like trying again is better than giving up before your life really gets a chance to start.

white sandy beaches.

The next twelve weeks will be hell. But all I have to do is remember that I've been through far worse and I can do this.  My grades don't reflect who I am, especially when faced with obstacles that I have yet to face before.  A difficult teacher, work assignments that I try my best with but never excel in, all that matters is that I learn what I'm meant to and I continue to persevere in my conviction that this is the right career path for myself.

And if I don't really know, it's okay, too. I don't think we're ever really meant to be sure of anything in our lives.

light 'em up.

There's really been nothing to report these past few months. Or maybe just too much meshing altogether so that when I sit down like this to try and refocus my thoughts, nothing too important comes up. So, just a few updates:

• Learned how to wash my car by hand so I won't need to go to the car wash and spend $10+ every time, including tip even though they always miss the biggest bird poop spots.
• School starts in a week. For some reason I can't fathom, I'm incredibly nervous. Maybe it's because I need to secure my spot in an Anatomy class, maybe it's because it's the start of a whole new career path. Something I've never seen myself doing until this year -- but it should and needs to be done when I'm young. 
• Began going to church actively again just last Friday. It was a rather impulsive decision, and I ended up going to an all-Korean service instead of the English Ministry I was looking for, but everyone's been warm and welcoming and is around my age. This will be a good opportunity for me to learn - not just language skills, but also the way they seem to approach worship with so much more fervor and passion than I ever could.  Mom says it's not cultural difference, but I sort of disagree.  Most American churches I've been to don't have their pastors screaming out "LORD!" over and over again in their prayers.
• Pacific Rim and Star Trek: Into Darkness were both amazing movies and I am so thankful I watched both of them in theaters. 
• My brother will be coming home for a brief stint, and then heading off to Macedonia in around October.  He'll be gone for two years and I feel like this will be the two years of incredible change -- for the both of us.  It's bittersweet.
• Starting to wash dishes because it's begun to seriously irritate me to see a dirty sink. 
• Tried an online dating at the recommendation of my close friend. Within three days, got cussed out by a Korean American dude for being disrespectful (l-o-l) but I've always hated the clingy type, so no big.  Deleted my profile in a week because I couldn't handle the attention. Some guy was telling me he'd move to Los Angeles for me and cuddle with me to watch movies (listed on my interests) and that was all from just reading my profile. It's definitely not for me.
• Listing things again, for the pleasure of being able to cross them out. However long it might take.
• Decided to stay true to BB Cream instead of spending $$ on brand name foundation. The product doesn't matter so much as the condition of my skin does, anyway.
• Trying to open up to my parents more. This is a big one, an important one. I don't want cultural differences to have any cause for rifts between us.  I need to get over my tendency to cling onto the past hurts I've had to deal with. 
• Still can't recall most memories without cringing into my pillow when I try to sleep.