fire meet gasoline.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my rash and impatient faults, and how I want to dispose of them ever so slowly and let the more diplomatic side of me show. I am still so easily riled with people who don't treat me the way I think I deserve to be treated, but I don't want to be like that anymore. I want to be like my parents who are able to brush away angry, shouted words with a kind smile and a genuine tone. Even if it takes some time, they're always able to quench the immature sort of rage that most people forget to leave behind as they grow older. Seriously -- I don't want to be known as one of them. I don't want to give people the power to ignite my temper. I should not give people the power to ignite my temper. Someday I'll be able to write that I will not give people that power, but everything I've learned thus far shows me that it'll be a very long time before I can be that definitive about my patience and its limits.

Getting there of course, means practice, and I'm sure I'll get a lot in (I already am) with the people I'll encounter at work, at conventions, etc, so it's also a matter of being kind to myself when I don't react in a way I'm proud of. I need to remember that the way people act is a direct reflection of who they are, and it has nothing to do with me. It may have to do with how they perceive me (a threat, a competitor, etc) but that's not something I can consciously control. This seriously all seems like a no-brainer to me when I write it out like this, but it's amazing how easily I can lose sight of what's inconsequential and what's logically sound when I'm emotional.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm an empath; I get so emotionally charged, I'm so easily triggered, and I often find myself detaching myself forcibly because otherwise... it's just a raging storm inside. But I'm actually pretty sure I'm just a crybaby, haha. Deep down I'm still that kid who wants everyone to get along and gets a quivery chin when I see someone being unfair to someone else. Growing up has just taught me that feeling helpless is another angsty burden I'll have to deal with somehow. 

Whatever. 

It's already August (8/12 months!!) and I have a lot of things to look forward to!! 

• Finishing my summer internship at UCLA - it's honestly been a pleasure. I've learned a lot, met a lot of people, and have steadily built a connection with the people I see often. It's been difficult as hell, don't get me wrong, because of the early morning call and the hugely stressful commute, but it's all been worth it. I feel like I still have so much to learn but I've done as much as I can, which is comforting.
• Heading to Washington DC to visit my brother and his wife for a little over a week in September!! This is going to be my first trip there since I was a kid and I'm planning to properly enjoy the national monuments and jam pack my trip with activities to make sure I get the most out of this opportunity. My brother's mentioned perhaps going over to NYC or Philadelphia since both of them are close, as well.
• This academic year from September to June is going to be my last year. In June, I'll take the national certification exam before I graduate and even before that, there's gonna be practicums and places to "work" at full time so who knows? I might go to China like I initially wished, or I might go back to UCLA... the possibilities are endless. Or actually, they're not, but they're still exciting to think about.
• After the exam and graduation (fingers crossed) will be my time to interview, apply for jobs -- best case scenario is that I secure one before I graduate but since I'm planning to hitch off to Korea for a few weeks, that might not be plausible.
• My trip to Korea next year is definite though. I need to go because it might be the last time I ever get to see my last living grandparent in this world and I want to hug her and tell her how much I love her and how proud I am to be connected to her through my mom. I also want to reassure her that I'll take care of her daughter as much as I can, as best as I can, now that I'm technically able to work in my field. Ughhh, I'm tearing up as I write this. Please grandma, please hold on until next year when I can come see you. 
• Depending on timing, I may or may not visit a very close friend in Montana or she may come visit me.

It's hard when my thoughts are typically so heavy, but I still have so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to. Money seems to be the all encompassing problem but it's definitely not the key to happiness and I need to remember that, no matter how tempting it may seem. I refuse to be dragged around by material desires that won't ever come close to filling this gap inside of me. I refuse to become complacent, to give up on my dreams because of the gritty world we live in. I hope every difficult step I take is one closer to helping others and making my life count because that's honestly all I could ever want.

low life.

It really, really hurts some days. But those are the days I try to shut everything else down but logic and faith - two that most would proclaim to be polar opposites.

Exhaustion, anger, disappointment - I've had more reason than ever to feel these three emotions the most, and I'm not sure how much longer I can contain them all.

at wit's end.

It's almost April!

Today I started the third and final quarter of my junior year. The number of classes have decreased, but I will also be going to "work" Fridays every week for my clinicals now. I'm both excited and nervous -- excited because it'll be my first 8 to 5 kind of job that directly links to what I've been studying for, but nervous because I really want to do well and learn as much as I can to measure practical experience up to academic accomplishments.

The profession I want to head into has many different departments and possible job opportunities, and I think I'm really starting to figure out which path I want to take! At least for now, my interest is leaning towards the privacy/security/quality side of things, so it's not as isolated as coding, but not as intensive as actual management either. People have told me I have leadership qualities, but I'm not sure I see them in myself. It'd be really cool if I could honestly go to law school and really up my knowledge about the way our judicial system works but -- who's going to pay for that? Do I even really have the personality to make it through law school? (No.)

Winter quarter was rough. Mostly because I felt myself exhibiting symptoms of depression - always wanting to sleep, failing to see the point in doing anything at all, so utterly detached without a way to bring myself back. I took all of spring break to reflect on why and how I might prevent it from happening again. The reason I came up with was that due to my introverted nature, not having any meaningful relationships/friendships here really made me take a hit in happiness. You see, all my classmates get to go home after classes -- they have families to go back to while I'm here on campus the entire week. The girls in my dorm are generally nice but everyone is so busy with their own programs that no one ever really has the time to hang out and talk, and if they do, they already have friends in their own respective programs that they have more in common with.

It is what it is. I'm still seeing this entire part of my life as a lesson God wants me to learn - so far I've noticed themes of patience, love, grace, mercy and humility. Loneliness is never really something you can get used to; it's just something you have to learn how to cope with, otherwise it might consume you entirely.

I'm still looking forward to a lot of things!

• I've received an email from one of my professors that I'm slated to receive a scholarship or an award in May
• my summer internship/volunteering gig at one of UCLA's hospitals is sure to be a truly eye-opening experience, under someone who commands huge respect in the field; I really want to do my absolute best and am so grateful they've accepted me
• next year when I'm a senior, I'm going to apply for a scholarship to go and do my clinicals in China for two weeks; some people do their clinicals in other states and countries if they have the means to go -- but they'll pay for my plane ticket, room & board, and everything!!
• my brother and his wife might be able to visit in the summer when I'm in Los Angeles!! fhjsadjsaf it's been way too long since I've seen him and I've missed him terribly
• being without a gym when I'm home during the summer means I need to make my own means of getting proper exercise in - there's a rather steep hiking trail I used to hike a lot with my dad and by the time summer comes to an end, I think I'm going to try and run up it entirely..... :);;
• I'm saving up money to go to Universal Studios Hollywood in the latter half of the year because HARRY POTTER. Ughhh, it's going to be great.

nothing lasts forever.

Has it really been over a year since I've written anything here? Then again, my Instagram feed is bombarded with Christmas-y pictures and I still can't bring myself to believe that the year is really almost over -- and my 26th birthday is just on the horizon.

I guess the best way to do things is to recap everything memorable from 2015. The good, the bad, the painful, and the enlightening.

The last time I blogged, I was still in the process of finishing prerequisites at community college so I could apply to my school of choice. And although it was difficult, I think I did really well for myself.

• January/February: Took both Anatomy & Physiology over a five-week period at a community college in a poorer area; I was at school by 6AM, napping in my car until 6:45AM and then leaving campus by 8/9PM but it was so totally worth it. This experience also really opened my eyes to how privileged I've been in terms of going to well-funded schools -- this place only had a food truck as a source of consumption on campus. The Burger King across the street had a bullet-proof drawer at the drive-thru window where I placed my money inside and closed it so they could receive it. Yeah. It was that intense. But also, the people on campus were some of the nicest I've ever interacted with and I ended up with getting As in both classes.
• May: Got baptized at church; my parents were able to be there, which was such a huge relief and point of happiness for me. 
• June: Got accepted into my school of choice and finally felt like things were moving forward.
• July/August: Stressed out about my very last prerequisite -- Personnel Management -- but found an available online course from the same community college I took A&P, also had it over a five-week period. Not only did I receive an A, but my professor left me this amazingly sweet and encouraging message: 
• Hi, I truly enjoyed reading your responses. You are going to be a great CEO or President of an organization. Notice I didn't say Manager. I wish you luck on all your endeavors. Thank you for your patience and engagement. My computer crashed in the middle of the session and I lost everything. It worked out.!! Again. Have a great Fall Semester.
• September: Very first quarter of my two-year stint at school begins and I settle in pretty well to school, even if the atmosphere is one that I really need to adapt to. The classrooms are tiny, the faculty all know me, and the classes are definitely more hands-on with the students -- Dorothy, we are not in public-school-Kansas anymore. Also began working out consistently in the school gym for 3/4 days a week early in the mornings -- body begins to tone out and slim down even without my conscious dictation of what I eat.
• November: Pulled out the first of four wisdom teeth that I hadn't even known had grown out. Due to my obliviousness, three of the wisdom teeth have infected the teeth around them so I will also need 3 root canals and 3 crowns. Woo. The first wisdom tooth pulled out causes trismus and I suffer from it for a week. Barely recover in time to shovel food into my mouth on Thanksgiving.
• December: Secured the first of many straight A records I hope to achieve; pulled out the second wisdom tooth (via shattering it into six pieces and cutting my gums open) -- currently still recovering from trismus (it's been over just a day over a week now). Also managed to get into a summer internship at a prestigious university so a huge weight has been lifted off of my chest. The best friend and I might do a wine-and-painting night for my birthday, but we'll see. 

2015 was definitely a rough year, but it was also pretty triumphant for me. I guess that's why I can recall the events of it so easily, even though all this time seems like a blur. There are definitely finer details that I'm leaving out of this -- mostly because they're negative aspects that shouldn't tarnish what fond memories I have. The important thing is that I learned. I truly learned. I'm not letting laziness destroy my productivity like I have in the past and I'm actively engaging myself in habits that I know will benefit me in the long run.

I look back at all my accomplishments and I realize most of it is academic. My love life is as dead as ever, but I've also realized that I secretly prefer it that way because I'm not ready to focus on anyone else. I still need this time to concentrate on me and work on me and make sure that I'm stable enough before I even think about intimacy with someone else. It's lonely for sure, especially when everyone around me seems to have someone, but I've never met anyone who made me want to try my best to be with them. And that's pretty simple to decipher, isn't it? If I really wanted to date, I would put myself out there. Instead, I think of all the money I'll have to spend, the time and effort that will be demanded of me, and just the anxious feeling of wanting someone to like me as much as I like them. I guess my emotional intelligence will be the last to whip into shape, haha.

I'm just glad that my newly chosen career field seems to suit me well so far. Here's to a week until 2016, six days until my birthday, and the start of another fight to do well. And here's to hoping I'll remember to update this blog more often!

i miss you.

HAHA. The last two times I posted in here, I used the same phrases. "Chugging steadily". I guess I really like that imagery - that I'm not stopping anywhere for obstacles or unexpected hold-ups. Unfortunately, life is never that simple, is it?

It's already the 8th month of this year, and I've been busier than I thought I would be over a summer vacation, but thoroughly enjoying the fact that I've been getting more plugged into church and getting to experience a number of things I didn't think I would for a while. Like going on a legitimate retreat where I sincerely enjoyed myself and tagging along to Disneyland with one of my closest friends + others. I'm blessed. Really, really blessed, and it always astounds me every day that I have people who want to be my friend. Not just any people, but people I look up to and admire for their strength of character, the huge capacity of their hearts, and just the general amazing-ness of who they are.

Life with a smart phone has been so much more convenient, almost too much, and I'm learning how to dial back my enthusiasm. But ah. School starts again this month and then it's crunch time for 16 weeks before my grandma, aunt, and uncle all come to visit in December (yay!!). And then application for my transfer, getting the last few classes out of the way, carefully stitching up my relationship with God once more, not necessarily prioritized in that order.

I'm as unsure as I've ever been. There are times when I think I won't be any good for the career I'm shooting for. But I know that I've become a better and wiser person on the road to trying to accomplish this. And even if it's not a glamorous straight-and-shoot job like I originally wanted to have, this is a lot more meaningful and ultimately, a lot easier on my blunt, I-hate-brown-nosing personality.

carried away.

Wow. Wow, wow, wow. It's been another two months since I've updated - seriously?! - and sadly, I don't have much to report.

I finished another semester at PCC with straight As and am steadily chugging towards achieving my dream of transferring to the one school in California that offers the program I need. In about three weeks, I'm going to be flying to Korea with my parents for my brother's (!!!) wedding.

While I'm there, I plan to take pictures and record videos of everything I can. The last time I was in Korea, I didn't appreciate the culture or the significance of being able to step outside of American soil and I don't plan to make the same mistake the second time around. It might be the most straight-laced trip ever, or it might be life-changing. We'll have to see, won't we?

It's already near the halfway mark of 2014 and man, I haven't been able to keep up with my goals as much as I'd like. I don't know what I feel most of the time, don't know what I want, and that's always bothered me. I'm mature enough to acknowledge that what I really want (an acting career) would be detrimental in all other aspects of my life. So where does that lead me? Where do my talents lead me? What classifies itself as my talent?

Sometimes I think I specialize in avoiding things. And sometimes I think I do have symptoms of an anxiety disorder, just completely internalized.

This post is all over the place, but an apt description of my thoughts.

할 수 있는게.

Wow. March 3rd. The last time I blogged in here was last year. Already two full months have passed and we're steadily chugging towards the third. I'm not quite sure why I haven't been itching to write down my days' events, maybe because I've been so burnt out, swamped with nasty allergies and just generally feeling down? It's kind of like the low after the high, because even after scoring good grades, I grow impatient and want to be done with school now, and move on to the next part of my life.

I always keep in mind that I'm supposed to move at my own pace but it's not always easy to live by it when others seem to be moving forward so much faster. It makes me ask myself, "When do I get to do that?" but in the end, I have to remember that it's just my envy talking and being unfair. I am not like anyone else. I am me. And I can't be cruel to myself in terms of how I am. I have improved, so much, and I can't forget the little details that have shown true maturity--even though I am always a long, long way from where I want to be.

Recently, I made a huge mistake. A mistake of extreme impatience, one that I thought I was past. But for seven days, I was under severe stress because of it, waiting for the outcome. I entertained thoughts that I was just a burden to my parents, to my family. Even though I know for a fact that they would find these ideas to be ridiculous to the point of offensive, it's these kind of dark thoughts that I've had to battle my entire life. I'm just always so sorry for existing, for not being proactive and knowing what I want and being a go-getter. It's hard, hah. Especially when it's your own thoughts you have to battle, because no matter what, you can justify both sides.

And you don't really want to tell these kinds of things to anyone else because you'd be burdening them, too. I've always felt that my friends love me so much more than I deserve, that the fact that they accept me and want to be around me must mean that I can't be that bad. Because I have wonderful, intelligent, generous, mature, considerate friends who are going places while I'm just--hey, here, existing.

It's hard. I'm twenty-four and it's still hard.