my personality/zodiac compilation.

Western Zodiac: Capricorn
Chinese Zodiac: Snake
Celtic Tree Zodiac: Birch (the Achiever)

December 24 - January 20 

If you were born under the energy of the Birch you can be highly driven, and often motivate others they become easily caught in your zeal, drive and ambition. You are always reaching for more, seeking better horizons and obtaining higher aspirations. The Druids attributed this to your time of birth, which is a time of year shrouded by darkness, so consequently you are always stretching out to find the light. Birch signs (just like the tree) are tolerant, tough, and resilient. You are cool-headed and are natural-born rulers, often taking command when a situation calls for leadership. When in touch with your softer side, you also bring beauty in otherwise barren spaces, brightening up a room with you guile, and charming crowds with you quick wit. Celtic tree astrology Birch signs are compatible with Vine (September 2 - September 29) signs and Willow (April 15 - May 12) signs. (source)

Celtic Animal: Stag/Deer

If you were born under the zodiac sign of stag/deer (December 24 - January 20), you tend to be a natural leader. You have a level of confidence few can match. Sometimes this might come out as arrogance, but you're not really an arrogant person. You simply know that you're the best equipped to get a job done. You have high expectation of yourself, and others. You notice that often other people fall below your expectations. As a result, you tend to take the yoke of responsibility and lead the way so others can follow. You take your responsibilities very seriously. You know you have a purpose, a job to do, a family to raise. You rarely let anything get in your way to attain your idea of success. (source)

Myers-Briggs: INFJ

NFJs are conscientious and value-driven. They seek meaning in relationships, ideas, and events, with an eye toward better understanding themselves and others. Using their intuitive skills, they develop a clear and confident vision, which they then set out to execute, aiming to better the lives of others. Like their INTJ counterparts, INFJs regard problems as opportunities to design and implement creative solutions. 

INFJs are quiet, private individuals who prefer to exercise their influence behind the scenes. Although very independent, INFJs are intensely interested in the well-being of others. INFJs prefer one-on-one relationships to large groups. Sensitive and complex, they are adept at understanding complicated issues and driven to resolve differences in a cooperative and creative manner. 

INFJs have a rich, vivid inner life, which they may be reluctant to share with those around them. Nevertheless, they are congenial in their interactions, and perceptive of the emotions of others. Generally well-liked by their peers, they may often be considered close friends and confidants by most other types. However, they are guarded in expressing their own feelings, especially to new people, and so tend to establish close relationships slowly. INFJs tend to be easily hurt, though they may not reveal this except to their closest companions. INFJs may "silently withdraw as a way of setting limits", rather than expressing their wounded feelings—a behavior that may leave others confused and upset. 

INFJs tend to be sensitive, quiet leaders with a great depth of personality. They are intricately and deeply woven, mysterious, and highly complex, sometimes puzzling even to themselves. They have an orderly view toward the world, but are internally arranged in a complex way that only they can understand. Abstract in communicating, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. With a natural affinity for art, INFJs tend to be creative and easily inspired. Yet they may also do well in the sciences, aided by their intuition. (source)

The Four Temperaments: Melancholic

Your temperament is melancholic. The melancholic temperament is fundamentally introverted and thoughtful. Melancholic people often were perceived as very (or overly) pondering and considerate, getting rather worried when they could not be on time for events. Melancholics can be highly creative in activities such as poetry and art - and can become preoccupied with the tragedy and cruelty in the world. Often they are perfectionists. They are self-reliant and independent; one negative part of being a melancholic is that they can get so involved in what they are doing they forget to think of others. (source)

Enneagram: Type 5 (the Investigator)

People of this personality type essentially fear that they don't have enough inner strength to face life, so they tend to withdraw, to retreat into the safety and security of the mind where they can mentally prepare for their emergence into the world. Fives feel comfortable and at home in the realm of thought. They are generally intelligent, well read and thoughtful and they frequently become experts in the areas that capture their interest. While they are sometimes scientifically oriented, especially with the Six wing, just as many Fives are drawn to the humanities and it is not at all uncommon for Fives to have artistic inclinations. Fives are often a bit eccentric; they feel little need to alter their beliefs to accommodate majority opinion, and they refuse to compromise their freedom to think just as they please. The problem for Fives is that while they are comfortable in the realm of thought, they are frequently a good deal less comfortable when it comes to dealing with their emotions, the demands of a relationship, or the need to find a place for themselves in the world. Fives tend to be shy, nonintrusive, independent and reluctant to ask for the help that others might well be happy to extend to them. 

Fives are sensitive; they don't feel adequately defended against the world. To compensate for their sensitivity, Fives sometimes adopt an attitude of careless indifference or intellectual arrogance, which has the unfortunate consequence of creating distance between themselves and others. Trying to bridge the distance can be difficult for Fives, as they are seldom comfortable with their social skills, but when they do manage it, they are often devoted friends and life long companions. 

Fives are usually somewhat restrained when it comes to emotional expression, but they often have stronger feelings than they let on. Few people know what is going on beneath the surface, as Fives have an often exaggerated need for privacy and a deep seated fear of intrusion. Because of their sensitivity and their fears of inadequacy, Fives fear being overwhelmed, either by the demands of others or by the strength of their own emotions. They sometimes deal with this by developing a minimalistic lifestyle in which they make few demands on others in exchange for few demands being made on them. Other Fives make their peace with the messiness of life and engage it more fully, but they almost always retain their fears that life is somehow going to demand more of them than they can deliver. 

Fives, especially with the Four wing, sometimes mistype themselves as Fours. Such Fives recognize that they have strong emotions and don't identify with the often extremely cerebral portrait of type Five. But, Fives, unlike Fours, always retain some degree of discomfort when it comes to the expression of their emotional states. However much facility they may gain with it, the language of emotion is not their native tongue. (source)

Soul Type: King

You are a King. Whether male or female, you are a natural leader who handles power well, can see the bigger picture easily and make good decisions. You are charismatic and stand out from the crowd. People naturally gather around you and listen to what you say. You are usually the dominant partner in a relationship, and are surrounded by a court of friends and hangers-on. At work you get promoted easily and would be good at running your own business or troubleshooting for organizations. You have very high standards for yourself and others, and will not stop till you have achieved mastery. Kings are the smallest percentage of the population. To be a King is a great privilege that carries a high responsibility. (source)

Hogwarts House: Ravenclaw

Ravenclaws are defined by curiosity and the love of learning, first and foremost. A Ravenclaw will always seek knowledge; they want to know the why of everything. They love learning, and will want to seek as much knowledge as possible, whenever possible, by whatever means they can - even if that may involve some risk, which 'Claws are normally quite averse to. The serpent may claim to be wisest of animals, but wisdom is Ravenclaw’s purview - Slytherins care more about using knowledge to achieve greatness, where Ravenclaws revel in pure knowledge for knowledge’s sake. Ravenclaws are readers; they love books, which they prize greatly, and have an insatiable hunger for knowledge. They like elegance, but aren’t as haughty as the Slytherins can seem; if Ravenclaws become elitist, it’s because they think they’ve sensed stupidity or close-mindedness, not because someone isn’t a member of their group.

The unknown attracts Ravenclaws, although they can be more danger-averse than Slytherins, who value mystery even when they sense danger. Unlike Slytherins, Ravenclaws tend to focus on the future over the past: the possibilities excite a Ravenclaw, and they tend to be deeply interested in the what-ifs of a situation. The past is only useful to the extent that people can learn from it: ancient things may excite them, but only if they possess something interesting. New discoveries excite them greatly, and they care much more about future possible discoveries than relics of the past (particularly if they think a relic is boring - again, if they think that ancient knowledge could contain new insights, they’re much more likely to place great value on it.) Ravenclaws do care for humanity, but are generally much more cerebral or introverted than Gryffs and Puffs - Ravenclaws have no problems with being by themselves, because they can always occupy themselves with books or theories or thoughts, but when they want to talk, they’ll be upset if no one listens. As much as they try to not care about what others think, they are going to hate it if people ridicule them for their beliefs, if only because they’ve thought about them so much. 

When forced to focus on studying something (if you insist they can’t study everything), they may insist on tackling a difficult subject that’s both useful and rewarding. When studying a creature, they want it to be sentient - they want to learn directly from something with a reputation for wisdom or special knowledge, or something that dances along the borders of the unknown. 

Ravenclaws are the most conflict-averse of all the Houses: they tend to avoid conflict whenever possible, seeking creative solutions to avoid a fight. They would rather rely on their wits than their wands, and unlike Gryffindors, are much more likely to stop and review a situation before charging forward. They also have a strong sense of fairness in academic situations, and want recognition for themselves. 

Ravenclaws are also the most individualistic of all the Houses, and the most open-minded. Hufflepuff is known for its tolerance, but Ravenclaw may actually be more tolerant of people with wild ideas: when Puff practicality conflicts with high-flying Ravenclaw ideas, the Puffs may draw the line. However, where Puffs tolerate everybody, Ravenclaws have no time for stupidity or ignorance, particularly the latter. Ravenclaws despise ignorance. They’re happy to help a person learn - but they have no patience with the close-minded. 

Ravenclaw is associated with the element of air, which has historically been associated with thought and intellect. Ravenclaw is the House of wit, wisdom, and learning - not necessarily school-smarts, but a passion for knowledge of some kind, an open mind, and a desire to achieve. Ravenclaws are also extremely individualistic: trying to group Ravenclaws can sometimes be like herding cats (or caging eagles in flight.) On the Sorting Hat, Ravenclaws are least-likely to do what’s expected of them in many cases: despite JKR’s insistence that Ravenclaws want to be imitated, actual Ravenclaws have no interest in it - they’re too individualistic and don’t care about what others think or are doing. Ravenclaws are also most likely to value the stars, associating them with the unknown and exploration - another area where JKR’s symbolism doesn’t match those of the actual Ravenclaws taking the quiz. Where JKR thinks Ravenclaws should fear falling from great heights, they actually fear being caged in the dark. (On the whole, their numbers may be fewest because they tend to have overlap with answers that JKR has given to Gryffindor in particular - statue, eye at keyhole, stars.) In other words, 'Claws may be the strangest House, even to the creator who’s trying to define them. 

Ravenclaws are free-thinkers, likely to analyze everything: they think about everything, form opinions about it, and are the most open-minded (out-there) of all the Houses. Creativity and an open mind, as much as pure intelligence, defines Ravenclaw House: 'Claws value their own inner world, and have too much of an imagination to ever be sad or bored just because they’re alone. (source)

Patronus: Orca

Orcas have big hearts, and those who express this animal are often incredibly giving in their mindset. Despite this, they are not very social creatures, in fact they are very shy, and not ones to like large crowds. They like to express themselves and how beautiful they truly are around specific individuals, and them only.. These people are often very attached to their families, especially parents or older siblings. They have a large array of emotions that they have extreme difficulty showing to anyone. The most common house for an orca patronus is Hufflepuff. The most common signs are Pisces and Cancer. (source)

Aura Colors: Violet (primary); Sensitive Tan (secondary)

Violets are the inspirational visionaries, leaders, performers, therapists, or teachers who are here to help save the planet. Most Violets feel drawn to educate the masses, to inspire higher ideals, to improve the quality of life on the planet, or to help save people, animals and the environment. (source)

Animal Totem: Goose

• Positive traits: Ambitious, never gives up. 
• Negative traits: Rigid, driven, often too focused on succeeding. 
• Compatibilities: Beavers (April 20 - May 20), bears (August 22 - September 22) and crows (September 23 - October 22). 
• Conscious Desire: To succeed. 
• Subconscious desire: To rest and rejuvenate. 
• Spiritual Path: To learn patience and the flow of life. 
• Strengths: Sociable, well spoken. 
• Weakness: Self-doubt, can't see the forest for the trees. 
• Keywords: Determination, perseverance, ambitious, resourceful, level headed, self involved. 

Birth totem goose is an individual whose outer personality is one of quiet determination and resourcefulness. As one who is born under the birth totem of goose goes about his/her daily life, they are conscious of the need to preserve all resources, both their own internal energies, and the resources of nature. Does this suggest that these individuals are lazy? Hardly, what it does suggest is that they know how to make the most out of their energy, plotting and planning their moves and steps along the Red Road of physical life so that they can produce the most effective results. Less conservation minded individuals will lay collapsed along the wayside, while goose is still plodding resolutely forward, eyes firmly focused on the goal ahead. Goose souls may become so single-minded in their drive to provide a safe nest for their mate and offspring that the relationship to these loved ones may suffer as a result. It is not from lack of love or caring that interpersonal relationships suffer, it is rather from their tendency to block out all but the singular goal lest they become distracted and waver from attaining their objective. This is the greatest stumbling block for goose as he/she may ultimately attain their beautifully feathered and sturdy nest, only to turn around when it has ultimately been achieved to find there is no mate there with which to share in the accomplishment. Because they can become so driven and focused, birth totem goose may lose sight of those aspects that make life truly enjoyable, the connection to other souls along the journey of life. 

And while their own personal integrity in how they approach and operate in life is almost always above reproach due to their high standards of honesty, the ultimate lesson for these souls to learn from goose is the need to balance material and physical aims with spiritual and emotional connections. Once goose recognizes that they need also preserve their relationships to others, then the unfolding of the souls higher intent of integrity through proper action can be achieved and the result is a beautifully woven, warm and full nest. (source)

I can sense something like a theme here. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

can't go home alone again.

My 27th birthday is in less than 2 days. 

Every time I think about how I'm still here, alive, occupying space on this planet we all abuse, I am equal parts grateful and tired. I stumbled on a subreddit a few days ago, one about crime scenes, and of course my morbid curiosity got the better of me, haha. What got me the most wasn't the gore. (Although I can't say I'm fully de-sensitized to it yet.) What got me the most were the pictures of young girls who were victims of rape and then subsequently murdered; the absolute worst were the ones that showed "before and after" pictures. Before their murder, when they were happy and smiling and all prettily done up in their professional clothes and then... after their murder, with their shirts often pulled up to their armpits, throats slashed so violently that their necks were left at an odd angle, bodies left in awful positions that merely suggested how their very last moments were suffered with complete indignity and terror. 

People do that. Men, do that. 

Perhaps it's misguided of me to think that natural disasters aren't as bad, despite the number count differences. Whatever you believe, it's impossible not to acknowledge that nature is a brutal force, that it takes what it wants and the best thing we can do is to learn from our past disasters and prepare for the next one. I do not deny that disasters are terrifying, and worth considering. But when an earthquake strikes or a forest fire greedily burns its way through dry vegetation, those aren't events that are malicious on purpose. I know I have never been trapped in a burning building, nor have I faced the devastating effects of a hurricane -- and I pray I never will. I just think my terror would be so much more acute, and my regret immense, when facing a man who would know he could get away with forcing himself on me, who would cut deep into my tendons and arteries and never once think about the life I tried to lead or the miraculous happenings that kept me alive until he came along. 

So yeah, lately that's what I've been thinking about, haha. I'm never going to let myself go back to that subreddit again because it's clearly bad for my mentality.

Anyway. I'm not really looking forward to 2017 either, haha. It's hard to, with the state of the country as it is right now, but I'm still excited for the bright spots:

• Going back to UCLA for my practicum for ~3 weeks! That means going to UCLA as if I'm working there full-time, haha. There's definitely going to be so much to learn and I'm excited to take it all in.
• Taking my national certification exam; started studying it a bit but I definitely have to amp it up this year so that I can take it with peace of mind around May/June.
• Graduation!! Seriously, this cannot come fast enough. I wasn't going to go to the ceremony because my parents can't make it but my brother and sister in law are coming to California and have offered to come. ;~; I'm so spoiled, haha.
• I got a Universal Studios annual pass (good until September) so I should go as much as I can! It's so close to where I live, I don't even have to take a freeway, haha. Other than the parking prices before 5pm ($20 -_-), it's p e r f e c t.
• Working (fingers crossed!!!) - so graduating means that I get to look for a jOB!! And hopefully with that job comes benefits and a solid starting position paycheck and that in turn means that my mom will hopefully retire from her day job and be able to focus on her pastor's wife duties and doing what she wants to do at home!! And then maybe if I do really well, I can even have my dad retire and take care of my parents!!!!!!!!!!! Such an exciting idea hahaha, no matter how many times I think about it!!!
• Retiring my baby car and getting my mom's to use while she gets a new car. :D I love my car so much but she's getting so tired and old. ;~; Plus she had to drive through all my years of getting adjusted behind the wheel so that probably took a lot out of her. -_-

Every new year, I think to myself: this might be the year I die. I think about death so much I'm not sure if I'm afraid of it or looking forward to it. I definitely don't want to kick it just yet - still got so many things to do - but I'm for sure afraid that one day I will find myself standing before God and He'll tell me that I have lived out my uses. That's like the scariest thing that could ever happen.

i'm a cool girl.

2016. Won't be sorry to see you go, even if 2017 is shaping up to be a horrible year politics-wise.

On the bright side, my brother and sister-in-law will be able to come to my graduation ceremony. I hope I can show them all that I "love" about my school, hah. Excited for them to meet my classmates, too.

Turning twenty seven means I have three years to meet someone, date, and get married by my mother's timeline. Maybe even have a baby by the time I'm thirty. That's a seriously terrifying thought. My father keeps telling me I need to pray for my future husband, but where can I even begin when I'm not sure if I want to get married? Why would I want to subject someone to my grim personality for the rest of his life, haha. No one deserves that, especially not anyone I love.

These days, I'm finding that I'm fantasizing a lot more because I hate the reality I'm stuck in. And it's not even a bad reality!? I don't know how to combat being so spoiled, haha, but I hope I can change my mindset soon. I've realized that superficial Los Angeles culture is penetrating my life a lot more than I thought it would. It's all over my social media, at the very least, with people in my age group going to Christmas parties and spending money at stores I could barely afford a shirt in -- the pride in me says that should be me. And the same pride also says that should never be what I strive for.

But seriously. As soon as I get a job, I'll be spending the half that doesn't go to student loans on my parents. My mom needs to retire. My dad, too, even if his situation is a little stickier. They've both lost so much weight because their responsibilities keep them running around from early morning to night and it terrifies me to think of a future where they won't be around. They've already started making payments to a cemetery for a plot of land where they can be buried on top of each other and I just.. fuck, haha.

I've spent the past four years in a limbo of sorts, going to school instead of working like everyone else was able to do. Next year in June if all goes well, I'll be graduating and I'll be looking for work, too. No more days off or vacation times without repercussion. I know everyone says school is the best time but I'm so sick of being a black hole in terms of financial status. I just want to be someone my parents can depend on. And then maybe from there, I can be someone other people can depend on more, too.

fire meet gasoline.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my rash and impatient faults, and how I want to dispose of them ever so slowly and let the more diplomatic side of me show. I am still so easily riled with people who don't treat me the way I think I deserve to be treated, but I don't want to be like that anymore. I want to be like my parents who are able to brush away angry, shouted words with a kind smile and a genuine tone. Even if it takes some time, they're always able to quench the immature sort of rage that most people forget to leave behind as they grow older. Seriously -- I don't want to be known as one of them. I don't want to give people the power to ignite my temper. I should not give people the power to ignite my temper. Someday I'll be able to write that I will not give people that power, but everything I've learned thus far shows me that it'll be a very long time before I can be that definitive about my patience and its limits.

Getting there of course, means practice, and I'm sure I'll get a lot in (I already am) with the people I'll encounter at work, at conventions, etc, so it's also a matter of being kind to myself when I don't react in a way I'm proud of. I need to remember that the way people act is a direct reflection of who they are, and it has nothing to do with me. It may have to do with how they perceive me (a threat, a competitor, etc) but that's not something I can consciously control. This seriously all seems like a no-brainer to me when I write it out like this, but it's amazing how easily I can lose sight of what's inconsequential and what's logically sound when I'm emotional.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm an empath; I get so emotionally charged, I'm so easily triggered, and I often find myself detaching myself forcibly because otherwise... it's just a raging storm inside. But I'm actually pretty sure I'm just a crybaby, haha. Deep down I'm still that kid who wants everyone to get along and gets a quivery chin when I see someone being unfair to someone else. Growing up has just taught me that feeling helpless is another angsty burden I'll have to deal with somehow. 

Whatever. 

It's already August (8/12 months!!) and I have a lot of things to look forward to!! 

• Finishing my summer internship at UCLA - it's honestly been a pleasure. I've learned a lot, met a lot of people, and have steadily built a connection with the people I see often. It's been difficult as hell, don't get me wrong, because of the early morning call and the hugely stressful commute, but it's all been worth it. I feel like I still have so much to learn but I've done as much as I can, which is comforting.
• Heading to Washington DC to visit my brother and his wife for a little over a week in September!! This is going to be my first trip there since I was a kid and I'm planning to properly enjoy the national monuments and jam pack my trip with activities to make sure I get the most out of this opportunity. My brother's mentioned perhaps going over to NYC or Philadelphia since both of them are close, as well.
• This academic year from September to June is going to be my last year. In June, I'll take the national certification exam before I graduate and even before that, there's gonna be practicums and places to "work" at full time so who knows? I might go to China like I initially wished, or I might go back to UCLA... the possibilities are endless. Or actually, they're not, but they're still exciting to think about.
• After the exam and graduation (fingers crossed) will be my time to interview, apply for jobs -- best case scenario is that I secure one before I graduate but since I'm planning to hitch off to Korea for a few weeks, that might not be plausible.
• My trip to Korea next year is definite though. I need to go because it might be the last time I ever get to see my last living grandparent in this world and I want to hug her and tell her how much I love her and how proud I am to be connected to her through my mom. I also want to reassure her that I'll take care of her daughter as much as I can, as best as I can, now that I'm technically able to work in my field. Ughhh, I'm tearing up as I write this. Please grandma, please hold on until next year when I can come see you. 
• Depending on timing, I may or may not visit a very close friend in Montana or she may come visit me.

It's hard when my thoughts are typically so heavy, but I still have so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to. Money seems to be the all encompassing problem but it's definitely not the key to happiness and I need to remember that, no matter how tempting it may seem. I refuse to be dragged around by material desires that won't ever come close to filling this gap inside of me. I refuse to become complacent, to give up on my dreams because of the gritty world we live in. I hope every difficult step I take is one closer to helping others and making my life count because that's honestly all I could ever want.

low life.

It really, really hurts some days. But those are the days I try to shut everything else down but logic and faith - two that most would proclaim to be polar opposites.

Exhaustion, anger, disappointment - I've had more reason than ever to feel these three emotions the most, and I'm not sure how much longer I can contain them all.

at wit's end.

It's almost April!

Today I started the third and final quarter of my junior year. The number of classes have decreased, but I will also be going to "work" Fridays every week for my clinicals now. I'm both excited and nervous -- excited because it'll be my first 8 to 5 kind of job that directly links to what I've been studying for, but nervous because I really want to do well and learn as much as I can to measure practical experience up to academic accomplishments.

The profession I want to head into has many different departments and possible job opportunities, and I think I'm really starting to figure out which path I want to take! At least for now, my interest is leaning towards the privacy/security/quality side of things, so it's not as isolated as coding, but not as intensive as actual management either. People have told me I have leadership qualities, but I'm not sure I see them in myself. It'd be really cool if I could honestly go to law school and really up my knowledge about the way our judicial system works but -- who's going to pay for that? Do I even really have the personality to make it through law school? (No.)

Winter quarter was rough. Mostly because I felt myself exhibiting symptoms of depression - always wanting to sleep, failing to see the point in doing anything at all, so utterly detached without a way to bring myself back. I took all of spring break to reflect on why and how I might prevent it from happening again. The reason I came up with was that due to my introverted nature, not having any meaningful relationships/friendships here really made me take a hit in happiness. You see, all my classmates get to go home after classes -- they have families to go back to while I'm here on campus the entire week. The girls in my dorm are generally nice but everyone is so busy with their own programs that no one ever really has the time to hang out and talk, and if they do, they already have friends in their own respective programs that they have more in common with.

It is what it is. I'm still seeing this entire part of my life as a lesson God wants me to learn - so far I've noticed themes of patience, love, grace, mercy and humility. Loneliness is never really something you can get used to; it's just something you have to learn how to cope with, otherwise it might consume you entirely.

I'm still looking forward to a lot of things!

• I've received an email from one of my professors that I'm slated to receive a scholarship or an award in May
• my summer internship/volunteering gig at one of UCLA's hospitals is sure to be a truly eye-opening experience, under someone who commands huge respect in the field; I really want to do my absolute best and am so grateful they've accepted me
• next year when I'm a senior, I'm going to apply for a scholarship to go and do my clinicals in China for two weeks; some people do their clinicals in other states and countries if they have the means to go -- but they'll pay for my plane ticket, room & board, and everything!!
• my brother and his wife might be able to visit in the summer when I'm in Los Angeles!! fhjsadjsaf it's been way too long since I've seen him and I've missed him terribly
• being without a gym when I'm home during the summer means I need to make my own means of getting proper exercise in - there's a rather steep hiking trail I used to hike a lot with my dad and by the time summer comes to an end, I think I'm going to try and run up it entirely..... :);;
• I'm saving up money to go to Universal Studios Hollywood in the latter half of the year because HARRY POTTER. Ughhh, it's going to be great.

nothing lasts forever.

Has it really been over a year since I've written anything here? Then again, my Instagram feed is bombarded with Christmas-y pictures and I still can't bring myself to believe that the year is really almost over -- and my 26th birthday is just on the horizon.

I guess the best way to do things is to recap everything memorable from 2015. The good, the bad, the painful, and the enlightening.

The last time I blogged, I was still in the process of finishing prerequisites at community college so I could apply to my school of choice. And although it was difficult, I think I did really well for myself.

• January/February: Took both Anatomy & Physiology over a five-week period at a community college in a poorer area; I was at school by 6AM, napping in my car until 6:45AM and then leaving campus by 8/9PM but it was so totally worth it. This experience also really opened my eyes to how privileged I've been in terms of going to well-funded schools -- this place only had a food truck as a source of consumption on campus. The Burger King across the street had a bullet-proof drawer at the drive-thru window where I placed my money inside and closed it so they could receive it. Yeah. It was that intense. But also, the people on campus were some of the nicest I've ever interacted with and I ended up with getting As in both classes.
• May: Got baptized at church; my parents were able to be there, which was such a huge relief and point of happiness for me. 
• June: Got accepted into my school of choice and finally felt like things were moving forward.
• July/August: Stressed out about my very last prerequisite -- Personnel Management -- but found an available online course from the same community college I took A&P, also had it over a five-week period. Not only did I receive an A, but my professor left me this amazingly sweet and encouraging message: 
• Hi, I truly enjoyed reading your responses. You are going to be a great CEO or President of an organization. Notice I didn't say Manager. I wish you luck on all your endeavors. Thank you for your patience and engagement. My computer crashed in the middle of the session and I lost everything. It worked out.!! Again. Have a great Fall Semester.
• September: Very first quarter of my two-year stint at school begins and I settle in pretty well to school, even if the atmosphere is one that I really need to adapt to. The classrooms are tiny, the faculty all know me, and the classes are definitely more hands-on with the students -- Dorothy, we are not in public-school-Kansas anymore. Also began working out consistently in the school gym for 3/4 days a week early in the mornings -- body begins to tone out and slim down even without my conscious dictation of what I eat.
• November: Pulled out the first of four wisdom teeth that I hadn't even known had grown out. Due to my obliviousness, three of the wisdom teeth have infected the teeth around them so I will also need 3 root canals and 3 crowns. Woo. The first wisdom tooth pulled out causes trismus and I suffer from it for a week. Barely recover in time to shovel food into my mouth on Thanksgiving.
• December: Secured the first of many straight A records I hope to achieve; pulled out the second wisdom tooth (via shattering it into six pieces and cutting my gums open) -- currently still recovering from trismus (it's been over just a day over a week now). Also managed to get into a summer internship at a prestigious university so a huge weight has been lifted off of my chest. The best friend and I might do a wine-and-painting night for my birthday, but we'll see. 

2015 was definitely a rough year, but it was also pretty triumphant for me. I guess that's why I can recall the events of it so easily, even though all this time seems like a blur. There are definitely finer details that I'm leaving out of this -- mostly because they're negative aspects that shouldn't tarnish what fond memories I have. The important thing is that I learned. I truly learned. I'm not letting laziness destroy my productivity like I have in the past and I'm actively engaging myself in habits that I know will benefit me in the long run.

I look back at all my accomplishments and I realize most of it is academic. My love life is as dead as ever, but I've also realized that I secretly prefer it that way because I'm not ready to focus on anyone else. I still need this time to concentrate on me and work on me and make sure that I'm stable enough before I even think about intimacy with someone else. It's lonely for sure, especially when everyone around me seems to have someone, but I've never met anyone who made me want to try my best to be with them. And that's pretty simple to decipher, isn't it? If I really wanted to date, I would put myself out there. Instead, I think of all the money I'll have to spend, the time and effort that will be demanded of me, and just the anxious feeling of wanting someone to like me as much as I like them. I guess my emotional intelligence will be the last to whip into shape, haha.

I'm just glad that my newly chosen career field seems to suit me well so far. Here's to a week until 2016, six days until my birthday, and the start of another fight to do well. And here's to hoping I'll remember to update this blog more often!