carried away.

Wow. Wow, wow, wow. It's been another two months since I've updated - seriously?! - and sadly, I don't have much to report.

I finished another semester at PCC with straight As and am steadily chugging towards achieving my dream of transferring to the one school in California that offers the program I need. In about three weeks, I'm going to be flying to Korea with my parents for my brother's (!!!) wedding.

While I'm there, I plan to take pictures and record videos of everything I can. The last time I was in Korea, I didn't appreciate the culture or the significance of being able to step outside of American soil and I don't plan to make the same mistake the second time around. It might be the most straight-laced trip ever, or it might be life-changing. We'll have to see, won't we?

It's already near the halfway mark of 2014 and man, I haven't been able to keep up with my goals as much as I'd like. I don't know what I feel most of the time, don't know what I want, and that's always bothered me. I'm mature enough to acknowledge that what I really want (an acting career) would be detrimental in all other aspects of my life. So where does that lead me? Where do my talents lead me? What classifies itself as my talent?

Sometimes I think I specialize in avoiding things. And sometimes I think I do have symptoms of an anxiety disorder, just completely internalized.

This post is all over the place, but an apt description of my thoughts.

할 수 있는게.

Wow. March 3rd. The last time I blogged in here was last year. Already two full months have passed and we're steadily chugging towards the third. I'm not quite sure why I haven't been itching to write down my days' events, maybe because I've been so burnt out, swamped with nasty allergies and just generally feeling down? It's kind of like the low after the high, because even after scoring good grades, I grow impatient and want to be done with school now, and move on to the next part of my life.

I always keep in mind that I'm supposed to move at my own pace but it's not always easy to live by it when others seem to be moving forward so much faster. It makes me ask myself, "When do I get to do that?" but in the end, I have to remember that it's just my envy talking and being unfair. I am not like anyone else. I am me. And I can't be cruel to myself in terms of how I am. I have improved, so much, and I can't forget the little details that have shown true maturity--even though I am always a long, long way from where I want to be.

Recently, I made a huge mistake. A mistake of extreme impatience, one that I thought I was past. But for seven days, I was under severe stress because of it, waiting for the outcome. I entertained thoughts that I was just a burden to my parents, to my family. Even though I know for a fact that they would find these ideas to be ridiculous to the point of offensive, it's these kind of dark thoughts that I've had to battle my entire life. I'm just always so sorry for existing, for not being proactive and knowing what I want and being a go-getter. It's hard, hah. Especially when it's your own thoughts you have to battle, because no matter what, you can justify both sides.

And you don't really want to tell these kinds of things to anyone else because you'd be burdening them, too. I've always felt that my friends love me so much more than I deserve, that the fact that they accept me and want to be around me must mean that I can't be that bad. Because I have wonderful, intelligent, generous, mature, considerate friends who are going places while I'm just--hey, here, existing.

It's hard. I'm twenty-four and it's still hard.

y control.

So this year... wow. This year is ending on a really great note.  Not only did I receive the best gifts, but I think being wholly accepted into a community has given me more purpose than before, especially since that community is a church setting.  It's the first time I've really felt like I would be missed, I suppose?

Someone actually bought me a cake! A super expensive-looking one from Tous Le Jours (not a cheap bakery, I can tell that much) and it just happened to be a coincidence that I gave her a present that morning to show my appreciation towards her.  She's done a lot to help me feel like I fit in and now that I've been asked to join the team she works in, I'm determined to do well so that other people will feel as welcomed and remembered as I did.

I admittedly haven't accomplished nearly as much as I thought I would when I was younger. By the time I was twenty-four, I was supposed to have a stable career. But it's not such a bad thing to be still on my way, I think.  There are still many aspects of myself that I'd like to change and I'm just thankful that I wasn't so fixated on the entertainment industry until it was too late.  All things considered, I'm happy and even though I can't quite see where I'm going, I have faith that God will guide me.

2014, I strive to read the entire Bible. Truly.  How can I know where He wants me to go if I don't even have the guidebook He's given us, right? Ah. I just... I hope I can do well. I hope I can remember to keep my head up even if times get really tough.

I'll be significantly busier, I think. But busy is better than having nothing to do at all. :)

twenty four.

pardon me while i write terribly corny and painfully mushy blog entries - i.e. the last two. i've decided that even if i cringe as i write these down, i won't ever get proper writing and expressing practice if i just shut myself down because i'm afraid that "it sounds dumb." that's no way to get better, right?

anyway, getting better at writing is just one of my many goals for 2014 - a few of which I've listed below~

• write more, even if it's not a feel good moment, even if all i'm feeling is rage.
• read more, seriously. maybe check out a library book once every month at least.
• basic list of books i want to read: the night circus, love in the time of cholera, world war z, the hunger games series (maybe?)
• go on at least one date - if you're wondering why this is on there.. i haven't been on a date since sophomore year of high school. (if i can actually get a boyfriend, that would be even better. but i'm not one to set ridiculously high expectations for myself in that department.)
• learn how to cook at least three more dishes.
• remember to jot down all the good things that happen and put it in my "2014 Jar of Good".
• try not to spend so much money on cosmetics and use all the products I have.
• utilize my camera more and take lots of pictures, if only for personal enjoyment.
• speak out rashly less. 
• read the entire Bible at least once. 
• do my best to serve my church community as well as I can - of course, this sounds easy, but when there's a language barrier and cultural differences, I'll have to anticipate a lot more conflict? plus, if i can actually make good friends there, that'd be nice. hopefully serving as part of the Welcoming Committee will help me gain more people skills, learn more about the Korean mindset, and put me in a position to befriend many people.

spilling thoughts.

loneliness
that which has become my friend
adapted through my shields
settling into the cracks of my armor
until there is no separation
that which has become me,
my voice,
my doubt, my longing,
my one flicker of expression,
the pause before the answer,
the hesitation before the action,

loneliness
my preference
my first choice
i stare and eyes stare back at me,
bared with naked shame
no honest lies of courtesy.

loneliness
is safe.
is silence.

speech is the same
but always different
different weights of meanings
and words that explode into images
always different
pulling, pushing, connecting, separating,
speech is tricky,
flimsy at best.

i know loneliness,
and loneliness knows me.
acknowledgment
that which i have always wanted.

apocalypse now.

Wow, I can't believe it's almost been a month since I've updated this blog and I've left on such a bad note.  Other than finals sucking out my brains for the past few weeks, life has been fairly uneventful.  I finished this Thursday and can't be happier with 2/3 grades for my classes - the last grade has yet to be revealed.

Christmas is already upon us, and soon it'll be my birthday and then right after... the new year. I've decided that I want to buy a mason jar from an art store and fill it up with pieces of paper, small pieces that just have the good small events written down on them so at the end of next year, I can re-read them all and reflect on how God has blessed me with all the important small things.  2013 was hard, but definitely life-changing, and I'll always remember it as the year that I realized what I should pursue career-wise.  The year I woke up from my foolish dreams and took on reality more head on.

And next year, good things already await! I'll start serving at my church as part of the Welcoming Team, I'll be heading to Korea to attend my brother's wedding, and if God wills it, I'll be applying to the schools I really want to go to.  So far, I'm off to a good start, but I really have to buckle down and do well for the rest of the time I'm here at PCC - I have to beat all the odds in the classes I haven't done well in.

I ... yeah. I'm just really excited, I guess. I even got myself a gorgeous new red lipstick and lip liner to make use of my oddly shaped lips - who knew my cupid's bow was so pronounced?! - so hopefully I'll only be prettier appearance-wise from here on out.  I'm turning twenty-four and they say women blossom at twenty-five and then gradually start losing their shine.  I'm determined to beat the odds.

new divide.

There are some days where I seriously feel like I hate everyone. Like I'd be so much happier living on my own and limiting interactions to whenever I can actually handle them.  But my hate doesn't usually last long and it's typically more sane - I just happen to think it's a misguided attempt to direct self-loathing elsewhere.  We all have our ways of dealing with things.

And one characteristic of mine that I really struggle with is pride.  It's to the point where if I don't want to do something and someone orders me to do it (obviously not in a workplace or school setting), I just won't do it. I'll get stubborn. I'll get angry. The "who the hell do you think you are?" attitude comes to play, and since I've grown up in an American culture where seniority doesn't really matter, it can happen when my family members tell me to do something as well. 

It just really makes me sad to know that my parents will never really understand me. Ever. Not unless they pull out of their roots and keep an open mind about why their daughter does certain things even if they disapprove entirely.  And that's not going to happen while they're alive. They're human, too. And since I hate myself so quickly when I make mistakes, when anyone else makes mistakes, hate can come pretty easily for them, too. 

I am grateful, for a lot of things. I never lose sight of this knowledge.  I just don't know if I'll ever be able to change this aspect about myself.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to accept anyone for who they truly are in a romantic relationship unless I change this unhealthy outlook. I suspect a part of why I'm so currently frustrated is because of hormonal changes, but looking at it objectively doesn't make it any easier to bear.

There are times when I just think, "Wow. I don't know myself at all." and that's one of the worst feelings I could ever feel. I've always been on my own, grown up alone, played alone, felt isolated and alienated enough times in my life to get angry when people who left me alone before now suddenly want to make me do things.  To put it bluntly, I just want to tell them to fuck off. They were never there for me before, why the fuck do they care so much now? Now that I'm approaching twenty-four, am I supposed to change overnight?  Whatever happened to instilling the good habits in me when I needed to learn them the most?  Don't blame me for how I turned out when all I've really done is mirror you.

I guess anger is better than total apathy. And writing this out will hopefully dent my pride long enough so I can do what I've been told.  I really can't wait to live on my own and call my own shots. I can't wait to be so busy that social interaction will actually be a gift, and not just another burden, to me. 

I'll be fine on my own. I always have been.