the love you're given.

Wow. Okay.

I have no idea how time has passed by so quickly when it all seemed to take so long, but I'm finally here now, at the cusp of my final academic stretch, staring into my last finals week here. After that comes three weeks of practicum and then the national examination and graduation and.... "the real world" as everyone is so fond of terming it.

This morning, I had a really intense dream. I was in a small, rural village -- rural as in legitimate thatched huts, homes made out of mud, and dirt paths. Up ahead on the path I was walking on, past a large truck, I saw a tiger hesitantly making its way out of its cage -- whether tempted by people or just because it was escaping, I don't remember. So obviously rattled and scared, I stopped and began to back away, only to realize that there was a lioness that had been watching me from behind the large truck. Holy crap, haha. I just remember the surge of stress and walking away quickly (for some reason, there was a domestic black cat that was following me) in hopes of evading it, but it kept stalking me. Eventually, I had to ask one of the homes to open their door to me, and let me inside. The cat barely made it inside after me but it did. I remember thinking even in my dream that the door, the hut, was way too thin and feeble to stand up to a huge lioness' paws.

The dream began to get fuzzy at this point but the lioness sat outside the hut and yowled or something - which one of the people who let me in translated. Apparently she could smell how different I was and how tasty I would be. That was why, despite there being a bunch of other prey, she kept following me.

When I first woke up, I thought the lioness represented finals and the continuous feeling of impending doom and constant anxiety I feel at the thought of so many responsibilities and life-changing events up ahead. This wouldn't be the first time I have... strangely visceral dreams during moments of stress, haha.

But after thinking about it a little more, I think it represents a deeper, darker fear that I've been having as my graduation date draws nearer.

Anyone can talk a big talk about changing the world and having drive to make a difference. For as long as I could remember though, all I had was that talk. In school, during my practicums, in scholarship letters, all that, I stated how much I wanted to make a difference and I do. Achingly so, especially in the face of what appears to be Trump's healthcare plan further crippling our beast of a healthcare system.

However, once I receive my diploma and step out onto the world as someone who's ready to work, I'll have to back up all that talk. And it's not that I don't want to, it's that I'm afraid I won't live up to my own expectations, haha. I'm.. being a coward, essentially, because being great always comes with an amount of sacrifices and hardships. And I've never truly thought about myself as someone who would be able to do great things.

I think that lioness represents what I could be? Or hopefully, what I'm meant to be. I just need to stop running away from it and stop making excuses for myself. At this point, I'm the only one holding myself back.