y control.

So this year... wow. This year is ending on a really great note.  Not only did I receive the best gifts, but I think being wholly accepted into a community has given me more purpose than before, especially since that community is a church setting.  It's the first time I've really felt like I would be missed, I suppose?

Someone actually bought me a cake! A super expensive-looking one from Tous Le Jours (not a cheap bakery, I can tell that much) and it just happened to be a coincidence that I gave her a present that morning to show my appreciation towards her.  She's done a lot to help me feel like I fit in and now that I've been asked to join the team she works in, I'm determined to do well so that other people will feel as welcomed and remembered as I did.

I admittedly haven't accomplished nearly as much as I thought I would when I was younger. By the time I was twenty-four, I was supposed to have a stable career. But it's not such a bad thing to be still on my way, I think.  There are still many aspects of myself that I'd like to change and I'm just thankful that I wasn't so fixated on the entertainment industry until it was too late.  All things considered, I'm happy and even though I can't quite see where I'm going, I have faith that God will guide me.

2014, I strive to read the entire Bible. Truly.  How can I know where He wants me to go if I don't even have the guidebook He's given us, right? Ah. I just... I hope I can do well. I hope I can remember to keep my head up even if times get really tough.

I'll be significantly busier, I think. But busy is better than having nothing to do at all. :)

twenty four.

pardon me while i write terribly corny and painfully mushy blog entries - i.e. the last two. i've decided that even if i cringe as i write these down, i won't ever get proper writing and expressing practice if i just shut myself down because i'm afraid that "it sounds dumb." that's no way to get better, right?

anyway, getting better at writing is just one of my many goals for 2014 - a few of which I've listed below~

• write more, even if it's not a feel good moment, even if all i'm feeling is rage.
• read more, seriously. maybe check out a library book once every month at least.
• basic list of books i want to read: the night circus, love in the time of cholera, world war z, the hunger games series (maybe?)
• go on at least one date - if you're wondering why this is on there.. i haven't been on a date since sophomore year of high school. (if i can actually get a boyfriend, that would be even better. but i'm not one to set ridiculously high expectations for myself in that department.)
• learn how to cook at least three more dishes.
• remember to jot down all the good things that happen and put it in my "2014 Jar of Good".
• try not to spend so much money on cosmetics and use all the products I have.
• utilize my camera more and take lots of pictures, if only for personal enjoyment.
• speak out rashly less. 
• read the entire Bible at least once. 
• do my best to serve my church community as well as I can - of course, this sounds easy, but when there's a language barrier and cultural differences, I'll have to anticipate a lot more conflict? plus, if i can actually make good friends there, that'd be nice. hopefully serving as part of the Welcoming Committee will help me gain more people skills, learn more about the Korean mindset, and put me in a position to befriend many people.

spilling thoughts.

loneliness
that which has become my friend
adapted through my shields
settling into the cracks of my armor
until there is no separation
that which has become me,
my voice,
my doubt, my longing,
my one flicker of expression,
the pause before the answer,
the hesitation before the action,

loneliness
my preference
my first choice
i stare and eyes stare back at me,
bared with naked shame
no honest lies of courtesy.

loneliness
is safe.
is silence.

speech is the same
but always different
different weights of meanings
and words that explode into images
always different
pulling, pushing, connecting, separating,
speech is tricky,
flimsy at best.

i know loneliness,
and loneliness knows me.
acknowledgment
that which i have always wanted.

apocalypse now.

Wow, I can't believe it's almost been a month since I've updated this blog and I've left on such a bad note.  Other than finals sucking out my brains for the past few weeks, life has been fairly uneventful.  I finished this Thursday and can't be happier with 2/3 grades for my classes - the last grade has yet to be revealed.

Christmas is already upon us, and soon it'll be my birthday and then right after... the new year. I've decided that I want to buy a mason jar from an art store and fill it up with pieces of paper, small pieces that just have the good small events written down on them so at the end of next year, I can re-read them all and reflect on how God has blessed me with all the important small things.  2013 was hard, but definitely life-changing, and I'll always remember it as the year that I realized what I should pursue career-wise.  The year I woke up from my foolish dreams and took on reality more head on.

And next year, good things already await! I'll start serving at my church as part of the Welcoming Team, I'll be heading to Korea to attend my brother's wedding, and if God wills it, I'll be applying to the schools I really want to go to.  So far, I'm off to a good start, but I really have to buckle down and do well for the rest of the time I'm here at PCC - I have to beat all the odds in the classes I haven't done well in.

I ... yeah. I'm just really excited, I guess. I even got myself a gorgeous new red lipstick and lip liner to make use of my oddly shaped lips - who knew my cupid's bow was so pronounced?! - so hopefully I'll only be prettier appearance-wise from here on out.  I'm turning twenty-four and they say women blossom at twenty-five and then gradually start losing their shine.  I'm determined to beat the odds.

new divide.

There are some days where I seriously feel like I hate everyone. Like I'd be so much happier living on my own and limiting interactions to whenever I can actually handle them.  But my hate doesn't usually last long and it's typically more sane - I just happen to think it's a misguided attempt to direct self-loathing elsewhere.  We all have our ways of dealing with things.

And one characteristic of mine that I really struggle with is pride.  It's to the point where if I don't want to do something and someone orders me to do it (obviously not in a workplace or school setting), I just won't do it. I'll get stubborn. I'll get angry. The "who the hell do you think you are?" attitude comes to play, and since I've grown up in an American culture where seniority doesn't really matter, it can happen when my family members tell me to do something as well. 

It just really makes me sad to know that my parents will never really understand me. Ever. Not unless they pull out of their roots and keep an open mind about why their daughter does certain things even if they disapprove entirely.  And that's not going to happen while they're alive. They're human, too. And since I hate myself so quickly when I make mistakes, when anyone else makes mistakes, hate can come pretty easily for them, too. 

I am grateful, for a lot of things. I never lose sight of this knowledge.  I just don't know if I'll ever be able to change this aspect about myself.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to accept anyone for who they truly are in a romantic relationship unless I change this unhealthy outlook. I suspect a part of why I'm so currently frustrated is because of hormonal changes, but looking at it objectively doesn't make it any easier to bear.

There are times when I just think, "Wow. I don't know myself at all." and that's one of the worst feelings I could ever feel. I've always been on my own, grown up alone, played alone, felt isolated and alienated enough times in my life to get angry when people who left me alone before now suddenly want to make me do things.  To put it bluntly, I just want to tell them to fuck off. They were never there for me before, why the fuck do they care so much now? Now that I'm approaching twenty-four, am I supposed to change overnight?  Whatever happened to instilling the good habits in me when I needed to learn them the most?  Don't blame me for how I turned out when all I've really done is mirror you.

I guess anger is better than total apathy. And writing this out will hopefully dent my pride long enough so I can do what I've been told.  I really can't wait to live on my own and call my own shots. I can't wait to be so busy that social interaction will actually be a gift, and not just another burden, to me. 

I'll be fine on my own. I always have been.

dirty paws.

I love being able to listen to new music and sort of let the day slow down as I fully enjoy the moment. When I was younger, I preferred the shock of heavy metal and the underlying fury of the music.  Now that I'm older, I think softer voices and crooned tunes speak to me more.  Not that I don't like metal anymore! I just tend to look for the classical or indie genres more when I'm scrolling through my iTunes.  While heavy metal spoke to my internalized battles for self-esteem and insecurity, indie and classical make me want to expand - like maybe reach into myself and pluck out my heart and dust all the unnecessary negativity off before putting it back inside.  That's weird, right? That, kids, is a sign of maturity!

Anyway, that's my terrible segue into making a list of things I'd like to do with a boyfriend. A topic of conversation that has been pitted into my every day life here and there now that November is upon us and next month, it'll be my 24th birthday. 24th! And then after that comes 25 and I can't even say I'm in my early twenties anymore.  Where did time go?

I'm writing this down here now, so I don't forget if I ever do manage to snag someone.  I'll probably add more as I go...

• make a mixed cd for him; not just romantic, cutesy songs that remind me of us, but also songs I love and songs that have been there for me when I suffered through obstacles - it's like an unconventional way of writing a letter, I think. This way, he can learn about me when I haven't written anything.
• go to concerts together; same concept as the idea above, except I would really love it if it was a group/artist we both liked - which is why I'd prefer someone who has similar musical tastes as I do. That way, we can both enjoy ourselves and understand what this moment might mean for the other person. I went to a Coldplay concert and the couple that sat in front of me was really cute, haha. Not too much PDA, but just enough for me to notice it was a special moment for them, even when I just glanced at them.
• go to an outdoor movie screening/play; I went to one once after grocery shopping and it was really fun. A Shakespeare performance with simple sandwiches.
• spend the whole date just cuddling and sleeping; yes, I'm serious. I think just being able to cuddle is one of the most intimate things you can do with someone - not necessarily romantically, but it'd probably feel even better to do it with someone you like. Maybe music could even be playing in the background so we'd be silent and just listening.. comfortable silence!
• have many dates where we just stay in, order take-out (or after cooking something ourselves) and curl up and watch movies together; gloomy days would be perfect for something like this.  And it'd just be all about dressing down and being comfortable - even wearing glasses, if he wears contacts regularly like I do - and spend low key time together.
• make a small road trip somewhere in California; it doesn't necessarily have to be really far - maybe it could just even be a day to the beach, or the mountains.  Somewhere to get away without having to cash out too much money.
• go to Disneyland together!!! I don't think an explanation is necessary for this, and while Disneyland is a must, going to Universal and Six Flags and all those other theme parks would be pretty gnarly, too.

Anyway, that's all I can really think of for now, haha. Start of a busy few weeks until the end of the semester in early December. Just gotta hang on until then. Yay for my first November post~

test drive.

Most of the things I write in this blog, I write believing that no one will ever really read it. Unless they want the URL shikshin for their blogspot, in which case, tough luck! But anyway, this is one of those instances.

I have a presentation on the cardiovascular system coming up and after doing some research, I came across a particular syndrome that I found alarmingly similar to symptoms I have experienced almost too often to be good.  It's called stress cardiomyopathy - but also known as the broken heart syndrome.  Basically with this condition, people experience symptoms not unlike that of a heart attack - difficulty breathing, chest pain, and arm aches (which are the worst for me).  The thing is though, it's a condition they've just become aware of so there isn't much information on it - according to the web, which I will take with a grain of salt, of course - and apparently it's not supposed to occur over and over again.

But I've been dealing with these symptoms for a while now.  My arms feel like they're getting jammed as if something is seriously wrong with them, I have to take deep breaths because I have difficulty breathing easily (something I'm going through even as I type this right now) ... it's amazing, how much the mind can influence your body into jolting into reactions.  

But even scarier, is the thought that I'm still stressing myself out without realizing it.  I thought this was something I'd leave behind me in university, but apparently not. Does this mean my heart muscle is weak enough to succumb every time I have an overwhelming amount of stress?  Should I tell my parents? Haha.........

Anyway, I've been listening to this quite a bit. I love soundtracks.


Edit: Having parents who are so wise and mature and gracious and faithful in their beliefs is the most humbling thing ever. Just lying in their bed, getting petted by my mom as I was listening to what she had to say was a huge blessing. I'm so utterly grateful to have such parents.