feather.

In a stunning turn of events, I have experienced what it truly means to feel God's love in the most literal sense this week.

2020 has been difficult for everyone. My life isn't as fraught as so many others' right now, but it's been filled with anxiety and stress ever since I took a position for privacy and compliance in another organization in September 23, 2019. I thought, at the time, that it was what I wanted in my career, that it was the direction I wanted to move in.

I now know that it was God's way of showing me it's not the case at all. The work is difficult with no help, no proper training, and working under someone who'd sooner blame me for every single thing than anything else has proven to be my breaking point. It'd been months of agonizing over the struggle of going jobless vs. sticking with a job that caused me so much mental turmoil when I reached out to someone I knew for advice. That person, angel that she is, let someone else know that I might be in need of a job and... that person reached out to be in mid-August out of nowhere just to ask if I was interested in a position that would be posted the following few days.

My answer was a resounding yes. The timing was too perfect. Hundreds of people probably ended up applying to that position so I was prepared to wait. I was prepared to be jobless. I was still job hunting even if my prospects were favorable. What else can I do when something seems to be too good to be true? 

I hit my breaking point early September. I just knew I couldn't do it anymore. I made up my mind to quit on Wednesday, September 9th and decided to tell my director I was quitting during our one-on-one on September 11, that Friday. 

Thursday, September 10th, I get a call for my interview. 

Friday, September 11th, I tell my director I'm submitting my two week notice. 

Friday night, I get an email requesting for my references. It takes a few days because of the weekend, but Tuesday morning, September 15th, my references are completed.

Later that day, I get a call. I have the job, the recruiter says, but he just needs to work out how much they'll pay me according to my experience. The formal offer will be given tomorrow, September 16th. 

And I get it. I get the formal offer. I accept. 

The craziest thing isn't that I have the job. The craziest thing is that this job became available when I needed it most, even though the individual who filled it previously passed away in June. The craziest thing is that that person was my friend, a damn good person, and it feels like he really, really watched over me in this journey. 

To be given an escape when I need it, it's the stuff of Hollywood movies. And it's not just an escape; it's a better-paying, lower stress job. It's a miracle considering the pandemic has laid off so many people, that so many are hungrily hunting for jobs, for means of survival. 

I have never thought once that I'm special in any way. If I did, I probably wouldn't have such a vivid imagination and fantasy life. But when I was struggling to love myself, when I was really, really down on myself and decided to finally take a way out to help myself, God literally reached down and answered my prayers. 

It's been so long since I've questioned why I'm even here, why I'm kept alive like I have a purpose when I have no idea what that purpose is, and... I don't know. How can I question that when I've been given a gift like this? 

Thank you, Chris. I'll never forget you. I'll never forget the kind of person you were, and fight to emulate it every day. I'll make you proud.

the little rascal

oh wow.

has it really been over a year since i last posted here?

as always, so much has changed between then and now. celebrated my first year at work by being buried in assignments, achieved some accomplishments within my profession (going to miami with all expenses paid later this month), and paid for my first ten personal training sessions today. i'm out $1200 but... the older i get, and the more medical records i have to sift through, i realize how important it is to cultivate our bodies the best way we can while we're still young, so we don't resort to those same bad habits down the line.

it's like that for me, anyway. 29 is slowly creeping up but to my mother's despair, i'm no closer to finding a boyfriend for potential marriage material. HAHAHA. i'm still perfectly happy with my car as my baby, and having a niece to spoil. (june 28, 2018 will be a date i remember forever. ❤️)

it's 8:25pm on a wednesday night and i should be sleeping. ahhh, can't wait to see how my body shifts and changes with my new workouts!!

i'll come back when i can. (:

carving my career.

• first career job: 6.19.17
• first "promotion": 8.24.17

the shadow of the past.

June 5th. The day personal history was made.

I couldn't stop waking up after 2AM because I was so paranoid my alarm wouldn't go off, but I made it; despite a freeway blockage, I made it super early and despite not studying as hard as I should have, by the grace of God, honestly, I passed my exam. I remember being terrified as I walked out of the room and waited for the woman to give me the print out of my results and... man. I could have keeled over. I could have screamed if it weren't for the other test takers.

Passing this exam has been the focus of my entire life for the past four years. For the past four years, I haven't gone out to make as many friends as I could have, I haven't been able to truly relax with the knowledge that I have nothing looming closer and closer... it's just been a constant in the back of my mind like I have to do this, I have to learn this and remember this and pass this. Because if not, yeah, I could always take it again, but what about the $200+ exam fee that goes down the drain? What about the faith so many people had in me? And my mental state in having to take it again, it'd be completely crushed, haha.

In two days, my brother and sister-in-law will come from Washington DC and stay for almost a week. In three days, I'll be back at school presenting on my practicum at UCLA, having a last senior luncheon with my classmates and my faculty, and then officially moving out that night. Then at dawn on Sunday, I'll be driving back to school to attend my GRADUATION, where my brother and sister-in-law will watch me walk across the stage in stead of my parents -- who can probably watch it later online. Then Sunday night, I'll be eating a celebratory dinner with my entire family. After my brother and sister-in-law leave on Tuesday, I might go on a road trip with my closest friend.

And then on Monday, I work. I have a job. I have a job at the very place I wanted a job!! I didn't have to do an interview or any job searching and I know that I'm one in a freaking million. The timing was perfect; people have had to wait months for a position to open up but on the second week of my practicum, someone ended up leaving and... wow. Again, I really just have to credit God for all of this.

This is everything falling into place perfectly, more perfectly than I could have imagined. This is all my previous stresses dissipating like nothing, leaving only the motivation to work harder and harder. Starting out small, and humble, will only lead me to learning more and fostering that desire to be better because of it.

I am truly blessed. It's amazing how much change purpose can bring into your life.

the love you're given.

Wow. Okay.

I have no idea how time has passed by so quickly when it all seemed to take so long, but I'm finally here now, at the cusp of my final academic stretch, staring into my last finals week here. After that comes three weeks of practicum and then the national examination and graduation and.... "the real world" as everyone is so fond of terming it.

This morning, I had a really intense dream. I was in a small, rural village -- rural as in legitimate thatched huts, homes made out of mud, and dirt paths. Up ahead on the path I was walking on, past a large truck, I saw a tiger hesitantly making its way out of its cage -- whether tempted by people or just because it was escaping, I don't remember. So obviously rattled and scared, I stopped and began to back away, only to realize that there was a lioness that had been watching me from behind the large truck. Holy crap, haha. I just remember the surge of stress and walking away quickly (for some reason, there was a domestic black cat that was following me) in hopes of evading it, but it kept stalking me. Eventually, I had to ask one of the homes to open their door to me, and let me inside. The cat barely made it inside after me but it did. I remember thinking even in my dream that the door, the hut, was way too thin and feeble to stand up to a huge lioness' paws.

The dream began to get fuzzy at this point but the lioness sat outside the hut and yowled or something - which one of the people who let me in translated. Apparently she could smell how different I was and how tasty I would be. That was why, despite there being a bunch of other prey, she kept following me.

When I first woke up, I thought the lioness represented finals and the continuous feeling of impending doom and constant anxiety I feel at the thought of so many responsibilities and life-changing events up ahead. This wouldn't be the first time I have... strangely visceral dreams during moments of stress, haha.

But after thinking about it a little more, I think it represents a deeper, darker fear that I've been having as my graduation date draws nearer.

Anyone can talk a big talk about changing the world and having drive to make a difference. For as long as I could remember though, all I had was that talk. In school, during my practicums, in scholarship letters, all that, I stated how much I wanted to make a difference and I do. Achingly so, especially in the face of what appears to be Trump's healthcare plan further crippling our beast of a healthcare system.

However, once I receive my diploma and step out onto the world as someone who's ready to work, I'll have to back up all that talk. And it's not that I don't want to, it's that I'm afraid I won't live up to my own expectations, haha. I'm.. being a coward, essentially, because being great always comes with an amount of sacrifices and hardships. And I've never truly thought about myself as someone who would be able to do great things.

I think that lioness represents what I could be? Or hopefully, what I'm meant to be. I just need to stop running away from it and stop making excuses for myself. At this point, I'm the only one holding myself back.

my personality/zodiac compilation.

Western Zodiac: Capricorn
Chinese Zodiac: Snake
Celtic Tree Zodiac: Birch (the Achiever)

December 24 - January 20 

If you were born under the energy of the Birch you can be highly driven, and often motivate others they become easily caught in your zeal, drive and ambition. You are always reaching for more, seeking better horizons and obtaining higher aspirations. The Druids attributed this to your time of birth, which is a time of year shrouded by darkness, so consequently you are always stretching out to find the light. Birch signs (just like the tree) are tolerant, tough, and resilient. You are cool-headed and are natural-born rulers, often taking command when a situation calls for leadership. When in touch with your softer side, you also bring beauty in otherwise barren spaces, brightening up a room with you guile, and charming crowds with you quick wit. Celtic tree astrology Birch signs are compatible with Vine (September 2 - September 29) signs and Willow (April 15 - May 12) signs. (source)

Celtic Animal: Stag/Deer

If you were born under the zodiac sign of stag/deer (December 24 - January 20), you tend to be a natural leader. You have a level of confidence few can match. Sometimes this might come out as arrogance, but you're not really an arrogant person. You simply know that you're the best equipped to get a job done. You have high expectation of yourself, and others. You notice that often other people fall below your expectations. As a result, you tend to take the yoke of responsibility and lead the way so others can follow. You take your responsibilities very seriously. You know you have a purpose, a job to do, a family to raise. You rarely let anything get in your way to attain your idea of success. (source)

Myers-Briggs: INFJ

NFJs are conscientious and value-driven. They seek meaning in relationships, ideas, and events, with an eye toward better understanding themselves and others. Using their intuitive skills, they develop a clear and confident vision, which they then set out to execute, aiming to better the lives of others. Like their INTJ counterparts, INFJs regard problems as opportunities to design and implement creative solutions. 

INFJs are quiet, private individuals who prefer to exercise their influence behind the scenes. Although very independent, INFJs are intensely interested in the well-being of others. INFJs prefer one-on-one relationships to large groups. Sensitive and complex, they are adept at understanding complicated issues and driven to resolve differences in a cooperative and creative manner. 

INFJs have a rich, vivid inner life, which they may be reluctant to share with those around them. Nevertheless, they are congenial in their interactions, and perceptive of the emotions of others. Generally well-liked by their peers, they may often be considered close friends and confidants by most other types. However, they are guarded in expressing their own feelings, especially to new people, and so tend to establish close relationships slowly. INFJs tend to be easily hurt, though they may not reveal this except to their closest companions. INFJs may "silently withdraw as a way of setting limits", rather than expressing their wounded feelings—a behavior that may leave others confused and upset. 

INFJs tend to be sensitive, quiet leaders with a great depth of personality. They are intricately and deeply woven, mysterious, and highly complex, sometimes puzzling even to themselves. They have an orderly view toward the world, but are internally arranged in a complex way that only they can understand. Abstract in communicating, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. With a natural affinity for art, INFJs tend to be creative and easily inspired. Yet they may also do well in the sciences, aided by their intuition. (source)

The Four Temperaments: Melancholic

Your temperament is melancholic. The melancholic temperament is fundamentally introverted and thoughtful. Melancholic people often were perceived as very (or overly) pondering and considerate, getting rather worried when they could not be on time for events. Melancholics can be highly creative in activities such as poetry and art - and can become preoccupied with the tragedy and cruelty in the world. Often they are perfectionists. They are self-reliant and independent; one negative part of being a melancholic is that they can get so involved in what they are doing they forget to think of others. (source)

Enneagram: Type 5 (the Investigator)

People of this personality type essentially fear that they don't have enough inner strength to face life, so they tend to withdraw, to retreat into the safety and security of the mind where they can mentally prepare for their emergence into the world. Fives feel comfortable and at home in the realm of thought. They are generally intelligent, well read and thoughtful and they frequently become experts in the areas that capture their interest. While they are sometimes scientifically oriented, especially with the Six wing, just as many Fives are drawn to the humanities and it is not at all uncommon for Fives to have artistic inclinations. Fives are often a bit eccentric; they feel little need to alter their beliefs to accommodate majority opinion, and they refuse to compromise their freedom to think just as they please. The problem for Fives is that while they are comfortable in the realm of thought, they are frequently a good deal less comfortable when it comes to dealing with their emotions, the demands of a relationship, or the need to find a place for themselves in the world. Fives tend to be shy, nonintrusive, independent and reluctant to ask for the help that others might well be happy to extend to them. 

Fives are sensitive; they don't feel adequately defended against the world. To compensate for their sensitivity, Fives sometimes adopt an attitude of careless indifference or intellectual arrogance, which has the unfortunate consequence of creating distance between themselves and others. Trying to bridge the distance can be difficult for Fives, as they are seldom comfortable with their social skills, but when they do manage it, they are often devoted friends and life long companions. 

Fives are usually somewhat restrained when it comes to emotional expression, but they often have stronger feelings than they let on. Few people know what is going on beneath the surface, as Fives have an often exaggerated need for privacy and a deep seated fear of intrusion. Because of their sensitivity and their fears of inadequacy, Fives fear being overwhelmed, either by the demands of others or by the strength of their own emotions. They sometimes deal with this by developing a minimalistic lifestyle in which they make few demands on others in exchange for few demands being made on them. Other Fives make their peace with the messiness of life and engage it more fully, but they almost always retain their fears that life is somehow going to demand more of them than they can deliver. 

Fives, especially with the Four wing, sometimes mistype themselves as Fours. Such Fives recognize that they have strong emotions and don't identify with the often extremely cerebral portrait of type Five. But, Fives, unlike Fours, always retain some degree of discomfort when it comes to the expression of their emotional states. However much facility they may gain with it, the language of emotion is not their native tongue. (source)

Soul Type: King

You are a King. Whether male or female, you are a natural leader who handles power well, can see the bigger picture easily and make good decisions. You are charismatic and stand out from the crowd. People naturally gather around you and listen to what you say. You are usually the dominant partner in a relationship, and are surrounded by a court of friends and hangers-on. At work you get promoted easily and would be good at running your own business or troubleshooting for organizations. You have very high standards for yourself and others, and will not stop till you have achieved mastery. Kings are the smallest percentage of the population. To be a King is a great privilege that carries a high responsibility. (source)

Hogwarts House: Ravenclaw

Ravenclaws are defined by curiosity and the love of learning, first and foremost. A Ravenclaw will always seek knowledge; they want to know the why of everything. They love learning, and will want to seek as much knowledge as possible, whenever possible, by whatever means they can - even if that may involve some risk, which 'Claws are normally quite averse to. The serpent may claim to be wisest of animals, but wisdom is Ravenclaw’s purview - Slytherins care more about using knowledge to achieve greatness, where Ravenclaws revel in pure knowledge for knowledge’s sake. Ravenclaws are readers; they love books, which they prize greatly, and have an insatiable hunger for knowledge. They like elegance, but aren’t as haughty as the Slytherins can seem; if Ravenclaws become elitist, it’s because they think they’ve sensed stupidity or close-mindedness, not because someone isn’t a member of their group.

The unknown attracts Ravenclaws, although they can be more danger-averse than Slytherins, who value mystery even when they sense danger. Unlike Slytherins, Ravenclaws tend to focus on the future over the past: the possibilities excite a Ravenclaw, and they tend to be deeply interested in the what-ifs of a situation. The past is only useful to the extent that people can learn from it: ancient things may excite them, but only if they possess something interesting. New discoveries excite them greatly, and they care much more about future possible discoveries than relics of the past (particularly if they think a relic is boring - again, if they think that ancient knowledge could contain new insights, they’re much more likely to place great value on it.) Ravenclaws do care for humanity, but are generally much more cerebral or introverted than Gryffs and Puffs - Ravenclaws have no problems with being by themselves, because they can always occupy themselves with books or theories or thoughts, but when they want to talk, they’ll be upset if no one listens. As much as they try to not care about what others think, they are going to hate it if people ridicule them for their beliefs, if only because they’ve thought about them so much. 

When forced to focus on studying something (if you insist they can’t study everything), they may insist on tackling a difficult subject that’s both useful and rewarding. When studying a creature, they want it to be sentient - they want to learn directly from something with a reputation for wisdom or special knowledge, or something that dances along the borders of the unknown. 

Ravenclaws are the most conflict-averse of all the Houses: they tend to avoid conflict whenever possible, seeking creative solutions to avoid a fight. They would rather rely on their wits than their wands, and unlike Gryffindors, are much more likely to stop and review a situation before charging forward. They also have a strong sense of fairness in academic situations, and want recognition for themselves. 

Ravenclaws are also the most individualistic of all the Houses, and the most open-minded. Hufflepuff is known for its tolerance, but Ravenclaw may actually be more tolerant of people with wild ideas: when Puff practicality conflicts with high-flying Ravenclaw ideas, the Puffs may draw the line. However, where Puffs tolerate everybody, Ravenclaws have no time for stupidity or ignorance, particularly the latter. Ravenclaws despise ignorance. They’re happy to help a person learn - but they have no patience with the close-minded. 

Ravenclaw is associated with the element of air, which has historically been associated with thought and intellect. Ravenclaw is the House of wit, wisdom, and learning - not necessarily school-smarts, but a passion for knowledge of some kind, an open mind, and a desire to achieve. Ravenclaws are also extremely individualistic: trying to group Ravenclaws can sometimes be like herding cats (or caging eagles in flight.) On the Sorting Hat, Ravenclaws are least-likely to do what’s expected of them in many cases: despite JKR’s insistence that Ravenclaws want to be imitated, actual Ravenclaws have no interest in it - they’re too individualistic and don’t care about what others think or are doing. Ravenclaws are also most likely to value the stars, associating them with the unknown and exploration - another area where JKR’s symbolism doesn’t match those of the actual Ravenclaws taking the quiz. Where JKR thinks Ravenclaws should fear falling from great heights, they actually fear being caged in the dark. (On the whole, their numbers may be fewest because they tend to have overlap with answers that JKR has given to Gryffindor in particular - statue, eye at keyhole, stars.) In other words, 'Claws may be the strangest House, even to the creator who’s trying to define them. 

Ravenclaws are free-thinkers, likely to analyze everything: they think about everything, form opinions about it, and are the most open-minded (out-there) of all the Houses. Creativity and an open mind, as much as pure intelligence, defines Ravenclaw House: 'Claws value their own inner world, and have too much of an imagination to ever be sad or bored just because they’re alone. (source)

Patronus: Orca

Orcas have big hearts, and those who express this animal are often incredibly giving in their mindset. Despite this, they are not very social creatures, in fact they are very shy, and not ones to like large crowds. They like to express themselves and how beautiful they truly are around specific individuals, and them only.. These people are often very attached to their families, especially parents or older siblings. They have a large array of emotions that they have extreme difficulty showing to anyone. The most common house for an orca patronus is Hufflepuff. The most common signs are Pisces and Cancer. (source)

Aura Colors: Violet (primary); Sensitive Tan (secondary)

Violets are the inspirational visionaries, leaders, performers, therapists, or teachers who are here to help save the planet. Most Violets feel drawn to educate the masses, to inspire higher ideals, to improve the quality of life on the planet, or to help save people, animals and the environment. (source)

Animal Totem: Goose

• Positive traits: Ambitious, never gives up. 
• Negative traits: Rigid, driven, often too focused on succeeding. 
• Compatibilities: Beavers (April 20 - May 20), bears (August 22 - September 22) and crows (September 23 - October 22). 
• Conscious Desire: To succeed. 
• Subconscious desire: To rest and rejuvenate. 
• Spiritual Path: To learn patience and the flow of life. 
• Strengths: Sociable, well spoken. 
• Weakness: Self-doubt, can't see the forest for the trees. 
• Keywords: Determination, perseverance, ambitious, resourceful, level headed, self involved. 

Birth totem goose is an individual whose outer personality is one of quiet determination and resourcefulness. As one who is born under the birth totem of goose goes about his/her daily life, they are conscious of the need to preserve all resources, both their own internal energies, and the resources of nature. Does this suggest that these individuals are lazy? Hardly, what it does suggest is that they know how to make the most out of their energy, plotting and planning their moves and steps along the Red Road of physical life so that they can produce the most effective results. Less conservation minded individuals will lay collapsed along the wayside, while goose is still plodding resolutely forward, eyes firmly focused on the goal ahead. Goose souls may become so single-minded in their drive to provide a safe nest for their mate and offspring that the relationship to these loved ones may suffer as a result. It is not from lack of love or caring that interpersonal relationships suffer, it is rather from their tendency to block out all but the singular goal lest they become distracted and waver from attaining their objective. This is the greatest stumbling block for goose as he/she may ultimately attain their beautifully feathered and sturdy nest, only to turn around when it has ultimately been achieved to find there is no mate there with which to share in the accomplishment. Because they can become so driven and focused, birth totem goose may lose sight of those aspects that make life truly enjoyable, the connection to other souls along the journey of life. 

And while their own personal integrity in how they approach and operate in life is almost always above reproach due to their high standards of honesty, the ultimate lesson for these souls to learn from goose is the need to balance material and physical aims with spiritual and emotional connections. Once goose recognizes that they need also preserve their relationships to others, then the unfolding of the souls higher intent of integrity through proper action can be achieved and the result is a beautifully woven, warm and full nest. (source)

I can sense something like a theme here. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

can't go home alone again.

My 27th birthday is in less than 2 days. 

Every time I think about how I'm still here, alive, occupying space on this planet we all abuse, I am equal parts grateful and tired. I stumbled on a subreddit a few days ago, one about crime scenes, and of course my morbid curiosity got the better of me, haha. What got me the most wasn't the gore. (Although I can't say I'm fully de-sensitized to it yet.) What got me the most were the pictures of young girls who were victims of rape and then subsequently murdered; the absolute worst were the ones that showed "before and after" pictures. Before their murder, when they were happy and smiling and all prettily done up in their professional clothes and then... after their murder, with their shirts often pulled up to their armpits, throats slashed so violently that their necks were left at an odd angle, bodies left in awful positions that merely suggested how their very last moments were suffered with complete indignity and terror. 

People do that. Men, do that. 

Perhaps it's misguided of me to think that natural disasters aren't as bad, despite the number count differences. Whatever you believe, it's impossible not to acknowledge that nature is a brutal force, that it takes what it wants and the best thing we can do is to learn from our past disasters and prepare for the next one. I do not deny that disasters are terrifying, and worth considering. But when an earthquake strikes or a forest fire greedily burns its way through dry vegetation, those aren't events that are malicious on purpose. I know I have never been trapped in a burning building, nor have I faced the devastating effects of a hurricane -- and I pray I never will. I just think my terror would be so much more acute, and my regret immense, when facing a man who would know he could get away with forcing himself on me, who would cut deep into my tendons and arteries and never once think about the life I tried to lead or the miraculous happenings that kept me alive until he came along. 

So yeah, lately that's what I've been thinking about, haha. I'm never going to let myself go back to that subreddit again because it's clearly bad for my mentality.

Anyway. I'm not really looking forward to 2017 either, haha. It's hard to, with the state of the country as it is right now, but I'm still excited for the bright spots:

• Going back to UCLA for my practicum for ~3 weeks! That means going to UCLA as if I'm working there full-time, haha. There's definitely going to be so much to learn and I'm excited to take it all in.
• Taking my national certification exam; started studying it a bit but I definitely have to amp it up this year so that I can take it with peace of mind around May/June.
• Graduation!! Seriously, this cannot come fast enough. I wasn't going to go to the ceremony because my parents can't make it but my brother and sister in law are coming to California and have offered to come. ;~; I'm so spoiled, haha.
• I got a Universal Studios annual pass (good until September) so I should go as much as I can! It's so close to where I live, I don't even have to take a freeway, haha. Other than the parking prices before 5pm ($20 -_-), it's p e r f e c t.
• Working (fingers crossed!!!) - so graduating means that I get to look for a jOB!! And hopefully with that job comes benefits and a solid starting position paycheck and that in turn means that my mom will hopefully retire from her day job and be able to focus on her pastor's wife duties and doing what she wants to do at home!! And then maybe if I do really well, I can even have my dad retire and take care of my parents!!!!!!!!!!! Such an exciting idea hahaha, no matter how many times I think about it!!!
• Retiring my baby car and getting my mom's to use while she gets a new car. :D I love my car so much but she's getting so tired and old. ;~; Plus she had to drive through all my years of getting adjusted behind the wheel so that probably took a lot out of her. -_-

Every new year, I think to myself: this might be the year I die. I think about death so much I'm not sure if I'm afraid of it or looking forward to it. I definitely don't want to kick it just yet - still got so many things to do - but I'm for sure afraid that one day I will find myself standing before God and He'll tell me that I have lived out my uses. That's like the scariest thing that could ever happen.